cheating husband

[Unregistered]

I recently discovered that my husband of nine years is having an afair with a coworker. I found a letter that he had written her and it was very explicit. I confronted him with it and we had a long talk. This was 2 months ago and I am now tryin to find a way to trust that he really wants to be with me and only me. He still works with her and I believe that she is still interested in him even though he told her that we are working things out and are staying together. we cannot afford for him to leave and I want nothing more than to go over there and let her have it. He tells her to stop and she does not seem to be getting it so I wonder if I tell her if it will do any good?

[Dave]

There are probably two things to think through before you take any actions - your motives, and the options for action you've got. The good thing is that you've got two great starting places - you have talked to each other about what's happened, and you've decided to work it out.

Why do you want to go and "sort her out??" - is it revenge? Do you hope to frighten her, convince her? Is it because you want to learn about what yourt husband sees in her? My suspicion is that it's mostly because you want to feel you've done something, but with no real clarity about what you will actually achieve!! Do you like always to be in control, in charge of what's going on?? Is it because you don't trust your husband to be playing it straight with both of you?

When you understand the motivations of yourself, and perhaps a bit more about those of the others in this situation, the courses of action may become rather clearer. I have to say, that usually the changes we need to make are to ourselves, not to those outside.

Take some positive steps to work on your relationship. Why not take a look together at some of the resources in the section on Affairs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) and talk about what his motivations were. If it was excitement - how could you create more of that in your relationship? If he doesn't like the way you need to be in control - how could you give each other more freedom? etc

Finally, at a very practical level, if this is a problem between co-workers, why don't you go together to talk with the HR folks at his company about the issues, and ask if there are ways in which either he, or the other woman, can be re-assigned duties to help them stay apart?

Wouldn't these be constructive ways to move things forward, rather than just giving vent to your emotions however much they hurt??

The great thing is you have started down the right road - don't blow it now

Dave

[Unregistered]

My thoughts on wanting to confront her are not about controlling the situation. I do not want to go and yell and kick and scream at her. I just want her to see that he has made his choice and that we are working on rebuilding our relationship and some of her actions of late are not helping. (although I am probably being naive in thinking that she cares.) I am glad to say that my husband has told her that all there is between them is a work relationship, I do not think that she is getting the message. She is still doing things that are really not appropriate considering there past relationship. My husband for all his faults is a very kind man. And I am worried that she may be taking advantage of this. although I am thrilled to say that he cuts her off at every pass. But she just does not get it!!