when one is no longer in love

[smity]

A few weeks ago I couldn't take not knowing what was going on in my husbands head. He never would talk his mind freely, and I knew something wasn't right. Finally I cornered him and he told me he wasn't happy in the marriage and he was no longer in love with me. This after 12 years of marriage. I was devistated, and yes I understood after he explained how I was, how I helped push him away. I took his love for granted, always assuming it would be there. I struggled myself at one time wondering if I myself was actually in love with him. I realized that it was not him I was unhappy with but myself and I have been trying to make myself better. But in trying to do so, I neglected him. I love him with all my heart, and it hurts so much to know he is no longer in love with me. Can you fall out of love with a spouse and then fall back in love? Has it been done or am I holding on to false hope.

[Bellaio]

I know exactly how you are feeling that is what happened to me after 14 years of marriage ,i pushed and pushed until he told me what was wrong ,i wonder now if i hadnt pushed he would still be here. I go on hoping that if you were in love with someone then that doesnt die and if you work on it and you are both willing to rediscover each other and what made you fall in love in the first place, you dont say if you have any children, because i know that some men dont like not being centre of attrention,like my husband if wanted to the most important person in someone life and i am sure that he has found it esle where although he hasnt ammited anything yet.Have you tryed relate i know it has helped alot of couples .Good luck.

[smity]

So the question still is can a person fall back in love with someone once they have fallen out of love with them? Or am I hold onto false hopes.

[katedawg97]

I know how you feel... I haven't been married quite that long, in fact we have only been married for 6 months, but we have been together for over 3 years, and just recently told me almost the same thing. He says his feelings "just changed." Personally, I do not think that they can just change, I think that they must be triggered by something else. I found a website that reassured me that things might get better. I just found it tonight actually, so I haven't even gotten a chance to show him yet, but maybe it will help you too.
http://www.emoclear.com/newarchives/newarchivesgateway.html

[smity]

Thank you for the website. Yes it helped. It renews my hope. Time is what it will take. Things here are not as awkward. But I still am not sure if he is keeping an open mind or just thinks I have accepted the situation. He has agreed to go to counseling with me but that is not until Nov. But I won't give up hope. Over the past few days it is as if every where I turn there is a message of hope. Church,and the website. Hope. I just have to be patient. Again Thank You.

[Kate]

Hi there,

Just read your postings. I wondered if you had come across the idea of different love languages. It cones from thisbook (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/fivelovelang/). There are five main languages, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Giving Gifts, and Physical Touch. Each of us value being loved in one or more of these ways. One is usually more important to us than the others. Unfortunately if we don't realise that each of us is different we tend to use the one that we value to show love, which means our partner may not recognise what we are offering them. If we know how our spouse likes to be loved then we can make sure our expressions of love are understood by them.

Just thought it was something you could sit down and think about and work on together.

All the best

Kate

[smity]

Thanks for the suggestions. I did find one book that has helped open my eyes as to how I was just pushing him further away it is titled Divorce Remedies. It has help me. I have become much more confident in myself lately. As much as I still love him I realize I cant allow him to bring me back down into a state of depression again. That is a road I will fight to never go down again. I am sooo much happier with me. And it took me asking him to move out because he was bringing me down and causing me to do things that I didn't like about myself(jealousy). He finally realized that I am doing for me not him. We have also decided to work on being friends. He is still home, which I have to admit that I expected him to agree to move out, but he didn't. The day after we agreed to work on being friends was one of the best days I have had in years with him. That night he intiated sex( at least that is what he is still calling it) and I feel we reach a more intimate level. It felt like it did when we first met before we fell in love with each other. Again the other night after a day of realizing we were only working on being friends the intimacy was great. So I have realized that even if he never falls back in love with me. We will have a very close friendship which in itself will be healthy for both of us and for our daughter. Home life now is not so tense. Again a step in the right direction. If you have any more suggestions or words of wisdom I am all for them. Thank you for allowing me to share this, it helps to keep things from staying bottled up inside.

[Kate]

It sounds as if you have found wisdom for yourself. I am so glad that you have begun to work on being friends - that is as much a part of marriage as "feeling in love".

All the best

Kate
:)

[smity]

I haven't checked in in a while. I feel that my marriage is officially over. I live with a man who is no longer in love with me. And no matter what I do, I cannot make him happy. I am now dealing with letting him go. I cannot go on fooling myself that he will ever love me again. Even when we are in the same room, I feel totally alone. He finds solitude and happiness with another. And I now find myself wanting to know how that feels. Wanting it for myself. We have opened up more to each other. Which has brought us together as friends. But I want to feel loved as he feels with her. Why must I sit here and hope that he will feel something again for me, and yet he feels happy talking to her and I have no one to turn to in that aspect. A parent or a friend is not quite the same. I long to hear the words and feel that they are sincere "I love you". Yes I am happy with myself, I am more secure. But I want to share what I have inside myself with someone who will treasure it. Embrace it. Is it selfish of me to want this? He says he is not ready to end the marriage, well not quite in those words but it is what he means. So I am torn. I love him and want back his love. But yet I am tired of feeling alone and left out. He says to stay open to us getting the love back. Again, how long must I keep hoping till I totally give up on hope entirely. With each day it is harder to hope. What can I do?
I cant even let him know when I am down or he gets fustrated with himself. He says finding someone comes when you least expect it. So, what do I do in the mean time. Stay alone, get used to and get used to it. I don't want to. I deserve to have someone to share myself with. I am tired of feeling alone. Yes I have God, but he cant hold me and wisper into my ears "everything is alright, I am right here and always will be" Each day becomes a struggle. Each day I realize more and more, I have lost the love of my life and will never get him back. I only hope that one day it becomes easier.

[Kate]

Dear Smity,

How sad that he cannot make that commitment to walking away from the other woman, and yet somewhere he is holding on to his commitment to you.

It is possible for him to realise what he is doing and come back to you fully, but meanwhile it is terribly painful for you. You are learning more and more each day that love is a decision involving our feelings rather than simply about feelign loving. If only he could see that too. For if both of you can make the decision to act in a loving way then you can come through the times when things aren't going so well.

I do hope and pray that you can hear God whispering in your ear each night "everything is alright, I am right here and always will be" and that you can feel His loving arms around you. I am sure that He knows your pain and shares it, for His love is compassionate and not dependent on our response to Him.

Thinking of you

Kate

:)

[dazedandconfused]

Dear Smity

I know exactly how you feel. My wife has been doing the smae thing to me. She moved out though and took our daughter too. I've done a vast amount of soul searching and know that I am a better man than the one she left behind. Just as you now are a stronger and better woman.

My wife has stopped seeing the other man now. There's been a couple of flase attempts along the way but I'm sure it's now over. She wants us to try again. She was the love of my life once and I "think" we can get that back. I know we have to find the cause of the split in the first place. I know it was poor commuication by both of us and that we were both unhappy as a result. It's not going to be easy to fix. Perhaps that's not the right word. We have to both move on from the past, learn from it and either build a stronger marriage or agree to go our own ways.

I hope things get easier for you. There is no right or wrong way to act and only time will help.

[smity]

Im glad to hear she want to try agian, but did she tell you before when she moved out that she was no longer in love with you, felt nothing? That is our problem, if he felt some sort of love we would be doing alot better and it would be easier to work on. If she did tell you she no longer loved you, and now wants to work on it, then perhaps there is hope for us. He says who knows, in 6 months we may be on our 2nd honeymoon. But he doesnt want to be unhappy now. Do you see the delima. Any suggestions.