a sad affair

[Unregistered]

i was seeing a guy for 2 years, he had a family and a partner. we loved eachother, but i was too scared to ask him to leave, i think if push came to shove he would have left. i finished it because i couldnt take the pressure anymore - the fact that he lived with someone else was too much, even though i dont think he loves her anymore. i was trying to get on with my life, but 3 weeks ago i saw him and we are now phoning eachother often. i am scared that we will be together again, but i just feel that the love i have for him is too strong - i cant fight it anymore because i dont want to.
not sure what to do.

[Kate]

Hi there,

I guess your feelings for this man are very strong at the moment, but ask yourself, what is he doing to the other woman in his life and to his children? Is this the sort of man that you could trust, if things got tough for you in the future? Would you not always be looking over your shoulder wondering if he was being faithful?

Feeling in love is a very powerful experience, but it is not enough to sustain a long term relationship and protect you from hurt in the future. it is so easy when romance grips you, to persuade yourself that it will be different for you, that you will never find loving each other difficult.

If this man is serious about you, than he will sort out where he is going in his present relationship before he starts encouraging your emotions and interest in him.

All the best

Kate

[Dave]

OK - now you get two for the price of one!!

What do we mean by love??

In my definition to love someone means to absolutely want the best for THEM (not for me), whatever the cost.

By way of contrast, it is not loving to simply act so that I get the warmth and excitement that flows from romance. This isn't loving them, it's loving ME!!

So, this friend of your has a partner (??Wife??) and some children. It is loving him to put him into the position of choosing between damaging their lives forever (thats what breaking up families does whether we like it or not) and choosing to come and be with you?? Or would it be loving him to set him free - he may live with the pangs of opportunity lost, but he will also live with the knowledge that he has been loyal to his family (and his commitments if he's married).

You must decide - who will you love - him, or yourself??

Dave

[Unregistered]

i will love myself.

Thanks dave and kate.

xxx

[Unregistered]

It's interesting that you choose to love yourself - because that's exactly what he is doing too! with two people so absorbed in themselves, I doubt you will ever be able to have a lasting relationship. the reason you can't get him to leave his partner and family is because there lies the true love in his life - where you give to others rather than yourself - and for some reason this is more attractive than the siuation where you are both in love with yourselves.
amazing isn't it - how worthless "affair" type love is.

[Unregistered]

why shouldnt i love myself??
its interesting that people think of an "affair" as worthless love. i would put money on the fact that these people have never been in that situation. i used to be one of those judgemental types of people myself. i thought that men who had affairs were nothing but low lifes and the women that were with those men were silly tarts.
but sometimes in this life, things happen that you cant help. i would also put money on the fact that people will be reading this post saying to themselves " silly little girl, so niaeve!! doesnt she realize hes taking her for a mug, he doesnt love her!"
if i could tell you the whole story (would probably take all week) you would realize that he does love me because no bloke would go through what he has gone through with me, unless there was alot of love there. you are right about one thing, he does love his kids. if i had ever suggested he leave (which i didnt even mention when we were seeing each other) that would be the only reason for him not to go. he doesnt love himself - he is constantly torn. if i had read a post about this kind of thing i would not judge, because every situation is different. sometimes people fall for eachother and thats that.

[Dave]

Hi there,

Well at least the past few posts seem to have helped you become clear on your own motives and direction.

I am saddened though, about how disempowered you feel in your position. You say "but sometimes in this life, things happen that you cant help" and "sometimes people fall for each other and thats that" , but this seems to me to suggest that you don't take responsibility for the situation. Surely you are more than just a victim of the circumstances? - you have the free will to act in whatever way you choose, you don't have to be ruled by your surging emotions!!

One of the things we can do through Boards like this is to help people get clear on their options - that's what I tried to do in my last post. You have clearly said you want to follow the path of "loving me" - OK, I don't agree it's for the best, but that's my opinion.

What I simply hope you are now clear on is that:-
- your objective now is to have this man for yourself and in so doing rip this man away from his partner and kids, leaving them with the pain
- that it's your choice - not some nebulous "set of circumstances" - and that you take personal responsibility for the actions and consequences.

There are other courses open to you - probably tougher in the short term, but with copious support here too.

Dave

PS - I'm intrigued - what were you looking for, and hoping to hear when you posted here? And why did you choose to ask the question at 2-in-2-1?

[Unregistered]

hi,

Dave, i think i may have misread your last post.

i have read and re-read it and now i know why everyone was so angry when i chose the "love me" option.
what i meant by i will love me is that i wont let this guy into my life anymore, but as i have re-read those texts, i see where i got my wires crossed. i was pretty confused when i recieved the other ladys post about the two seemingly arrogant selfish pigs who think of nothing but getting their cheap thrills, but now i understand why she wrote it.

in a way, i am quite glad that i misread your "love him, or me" post, as it was interesting to see the reaction i recieved as a shameless family splitting harlott.

but i also have to say that every situation is different. not everything is black and white - there are a lot of grey areas.

of course i do take responsibility for my actions.

i dont know what i thought i would hear from this board, i was upset and desperate at the time.

[Dave]

Dear Friend

I was so pleased when I read your post!! - I must admit that I was surprised at your rather terse "I'll love me then!" response - now I understand what you meant, and I think you are making the hard, but ultimately very wise choice. I accept that it is a decision to love "Me" - in the long run you will look back and see this was the wise choice for you as well as him - but it is the tough and selfless kind of love - and I honour you for making the choice.

I'm sorry that my words confused - but in this case we seem to have been able to work through the mis-communication - thanks for sticking with the plot, and not walking away, even when you doubtless judged we were all against you.

I hope too that you picked up that I never made judgements of you (eg shameless harlott) - I only ever talked about your motives and your actions. I try never to forget that every person who comes to this board is valued and special as a person - just some are mis-guided or desparately wounded.

Thanks for turning to us when you needed help - stick around, you may have words for others

Dave

[guess]

i really want to hear how r u doing ??? would like to hear from you. i am sad to hear your story as i am in the same situation but it's different. take care,