will we ever reconcile

[Unregistered]

I split up from my partner a year passed january, we have been constantly fighting since then re acccess. we have recently been to court and access has been sorted up to april next year, when we are due to go back to court. the problem is I would like to go back to him but I know he is only interested in his son. I know he feels it won't work between us. I have been going to relate by myself in the hope he will eventually come. the reasons I have been going is he seems to blame me for everything that goes wrong and i wanted him to see it wasn't all my fault. do you think two people can get back together after this space of time.

[Kate]

Hi there,

Good for you to go and get help from a counsellor. I believe there is always hope for a relationship, but it does need the commitment of both.

Are the courts offering you any help with mediation and sorting out access? You can find some resources around this subject here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/citizen/legal/) on the site.

Time will tell whether your man is willing to make a go of things, but in the meantime all you can do is to get yourself as straight as possible and take care of your precious special son.

All the best

Kate

[Unregistered]

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

The courts are not helping in the mediation between us. We seem to be intent on casting up the past to each other. My parnter does not want to attend relate and I feel he has given up all hope with regards to myself. I have even read the book the games people play to try and help our situation. as always thought i feel its myself who seems to be doing all the work. i spoke to my partner last night on the phone to try to stop the process of lawyers etc. but all hek eeps saying is "just because you want to it now" as seemingly he was ready years ago and i wasn't. but to be truthfull he never mentioned anything its was me.

How do i try to communicate with somebody who is so bent on not communicating.

[Liz]

As Kate has said, you can't force him to communicate, or change his view of things sadly, but it is important for your son to have contact with his dad. There seems to be a lot of evidence that parenting can be shared amicably and that this helps children when Mum and Dad split up. Who knows, positive and constructive contact between you both over your son, may help to rebuild things.

regards

Liz

[Unregistered]

we've just spent the day together and it was good, we kissed and seemed to talk the problem is both of our families would be dead against us getting back together if it were every to happen. any advice re this problem would be gratefully received.

[Liz]

Your families are obviously very concerned for you both, but in the end it's what you two think is best for yourselves and for the children. Whatever happens in the long run, your cooperation and friendliness is very important to your children. They need Mum and Dad sharing the parenting at least.

Why not work on your relationship, without any strings attached to start with and see what happens. If your families ask, then you can say that you want to be friends with your man to ensure things are settled for the children. If your families see you getting along well together, then they will probably "come round" if you want to make a go of things and get back together.

You don't say whether you are married or not. Perhaps if you both decide you want a future together, you might like to consider getting married. There is something very different about the dynamics of a marriage, where you have made a clear public commitment to stick together, that can help to cement a relationship. If you do go down that road, do consider some marriage preparation like Prepare, Foccus or Engaged Encounter (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/), which can help you sort out your communication and understanding of each other.

I hope things continue to go well between you.

Liz

[Unregistered]

my partner is still unsure what he wants, which he says is due to me hurting him everytime I leave, but we went away for an overnight stay just the two of us and it was good, i'm not sure where we both want to go from here if anywhere.

my partner says he doesn't know what he wants to do, not just about us about about everything else in his life aswell. he says he is really confused and doesn't know what he wants.


i'm not sure to continue or not with trying to make this work and i feel i will just end up hurt again but he is being so negative.

what do you think. do you think he would be able to sleep with me if he didn't feel anything for me especially after all we've been through.

[Liz]

Now there's a question! I'm afraid that people can sleep with each other without long term intentions these days. It’s probably easier for the two of you to do it, because you already have a physical relationship. You probably both found comfort in sleeping together, but it’s not a very good measure of your commitment to each other in the longer term.

Your man is telling you that he is very confused about all parts of his life. Standing in his shoes how do you think you could best support him while he sorts himself out?

Yes there is a danger that you will get hurt, that he may decide to walk away in the end, but how much do you love him? Do you love him enough to support him even though there are no guarantees? That is the sort of love that is needed to make a marriage work when it's going through a difficult patch.

When two people are living together, the door is always slightly ajar. There is always an escape route. When people marry they do at least make a public commitment to stick together and for most the door is closed and the future is together. I wonder if your man is trying to decide whether he dares make that sort of long term commitment. If your relationship is important enough to you, then you will want to give him the space to make that decision.
Liz

[Unregistered]

Can anyone tell me if there is any hope for my marriage.

I am 8 months pregnant and my husband has decided to leave me and our 3 yr old daughter. He says that he doesn't love me anymore and when asked he says he doesn't know if he ever did and we have been married for 3yrs. He says it isn't anything I have done. When asked if he would be willing to talk to someone for our sake and our kids he says that he doesn't see how it would help anything. He doesn't want to be with me as far as living together, but he doesn't seem to mind going places as though we were dating and he doesn't mind in the least asking or wanting me to have sex with him. I don't think that the last part if fair to my feelings because it just gives me false hopes. Yet I love him and have a very hard time telling him no, because I do love him so much.

I would just like to know if anyone thinks that there is any hope? He thinks that I am selfish because I want him to come home and for us to work things out. He says that I don't care about his feelings. I told him that I don't mean to be selfish but that he needs to consider that he isn't the only one that this is affecting.

I don't want to be just his "lover" when it is convenient for him or he wants me to be.

[Kate]

As a woman I find it amazing that a man could walk out on his pregnant wife like this. He seems to be walking away from responsibility. Perhaps he is thrown by the reponsibility of having a wife and family to look after and maybe he has lost those rosy emotions that he had when he first "fell in love". Time for him to grow up?

You have a very difficult balance to strike, because you know the responsibilites for and needs of your children, but you want to show him love. I don't know that there are any easy answers.

I hope some other folks will post replies to you as I know your situation is similar to others that have been posted here.

We do send our very best wishes to you at this time. Take care of yourself, your daughter and the baby.

Kate
:)

[Unregistered]

i originally wrote in october (see 1st message) and although we are still seeing each other my ex partner still seems to think i am pushing him. Maybe I am, but I only want to know where I stand. Although he phones every morning, as long as we stay on the general chit chat everything is fine, but try and go underneath all that and we end up arguing. I'm not sure what to do, sometimes I feel he is just stinging me along and yet I know that is not his nature, but I'm scared. What should I do to stay positive and how long should it take befoore he knows whether he wants or doesn't want me?

[Kate]

Hello again,

It's good to hear from you again. I hope your son is getting along ok.

You are in a very difficult situation. I know in your first posting you wondered if your man was just interested in your son. You sound as if you are still wondering about that. Your son is a very strong bond between you and always will be.

Do you know why it is that you end up arguing if you go beyond chit chat? Is it because, you consciously or unconsciously have the agenda of trying to find out where you stand with him? Or is it that you revert to the patterns of communication that were part of things breaking up in the first place?

Would it be possible to try and build a stronger friendship with him by setting aside any expectations? If that were possible that would offer the best hope of restoring something more long term between you. Perhaps part of that is about facing your fears? What is the worst that could happen? Sometimes facing those fears and then facing the fact that there would be life beyond them can help us to relax and not pressure the other person.

In the end the most important thing is to be yourself, because if there is a future together it's going to need to be one based on realism and honesty. As to how long these things take, before you know where you stand, I'm sure that must depend on the individuals involved.

I hope you’ve got good friends and family to support you at the moment.

Take care

Kate

[Unregistered]

Hi Kate, Thanks again for your reply.

Yes we end up aarguing because i want to know where i stand and he says that i don't understand how difficult things are and he can't tell me at the moment how he feels as he is still confused.
we have now got to tge point that its all finished again, although he says we never really started a relationship. ( i thought we had), that is why i ask him how he feels, so as i know and don't go into to deep when obviously he's not.

I'm not sure if I can just be friends, for me its either trying to make this work or switching off all together.

I feel its okay for him to have me running but he wont do the same.

I'm not sure what to do, I said to him that i wanted to know how he felt so as if he didn't feel anything i could get on with the rest of my life. so he said go ahead,

[Kate]

Hi again,

It really does sound as if he doesn't want any commitment at the moment, but you are tied to this man at least through your son, who needs to know his father.

So, if you have decided you want to get on with your life, then it looks as if that's what you had better do, but you do need to keep the friendship going with your son's father, even if it's difficult. Surely your son will need to see his dad, and know that you respect him even if you don't love him. He'll need to know that it's ok for him to see his Dad and not to have to worry about causing you pain by his having a relationship with his dad.

It's painful facing the rejection of this man, and I guess life seems very unfair. Like in many parenting situations you may well find yourself having to disguise your own pain so your son can have what he needs.

I hope that you can find some healing from the pain of this break up and that one day you will find a man who can love you and value you.

All the best

Kate

[june]

I wrote at the very beginning. I'm still in a mess re my ex-partner. We are no longer having outings together and he hardly speaks to me I phone him about every day and have asked him if he wants me stop but his answer is he's not bothered. I'm unsure to keep phoning and he will then know i am there for him or just give up altogther,

I feel I have gone backwards as I feel before we selpt together in october i was managing to pick up my life again, but now all i seem to think about his him.

What should I do? keep phoning or just let go?

[Kate]

Ho again, June,

I'm sorry to hear things aren't moving forward for you. Lookign back over your posts your man doesn't seem to know what he wants, so the choice is yours whether you keep in touch as much as you do or whether you reduce the contact and try and get on with your life. Are you still going to Relate?

Obviously you want to keep in touch with him for the sake of your child. Perhaps you can encourage him to do some of the contacting perhaps saying you'll ring once a week unless there is anything important to say about your son and otherwise he can ring you when he wants.

Kate

[December]

Hi there
as for your question - to keep phoning or to let go - just let go - dont show yourself weak in front of this man - you will just push him further away. He knows where you live and where his son lives - he shd make the contact - you cant force him because he will just resent you more. You did more than enough - it is time to stop and for you to begin acting like an independent woman who values herself - you shd behave like you moved on with your life - this is the only chance for something to be changed - because he is obviously taking you for granted knowing that you will keep calling - when you wil become more elusive and independent - there is a chance he will get back - but phoning him all the time hasn't produced any result - so what do you have to lose by acting indifferent towards him???
I wish you all the best

Iris