can i trust her

[Unregistered]

Here is the story. I am at a party for a past neighbor's daughter who is getting married. When my wife and I entered the house, Gary greeted my wife with an open arms hug and seemed to be excited to see her. As the party continued, I noticed that he seemed to avoid me and paid little attention to my wife. Now for the shock, as we were leaving, and not realizing I could hear he tells his daughter as my wife was saying good-bye, this lady and I had an affair a couple of years ago. As I left the house with my wife, daughter and daughter's boyfriend my wife says, " I can't believe what Gary just said. He said we had an affair a couple of years ago, can you believe he would say something like that. I was shocked that my my wife would say that in front of my daughter and could not figure it out. My daughter and the girl who was getting married are long time friends. I later asked my wife, in fact grilled her about the comment and she said. I certainly didn't have an affair with him. Later discussion a day later when I kept asking questions-- If I had an affair with Gary I certainly would not tell you. Later discussion a couple of days later when I asked her I was going to talk to Gary--she responded what if he says yes. Who are you going to believe me or him.

I want to believe she did not have an affair but I can't get this out of my mind even with my wifes denial.

Does it sound like I might be getting to crazy about this. What should I do. My wife can't believe I do not trust her and that I would even believe that she could have had an affair. She is quite hostile about it

I need some advice.

[Dave]

Dear friend

It seems to me that you (and we) could tie ourselves in knots with the "did she, didn't she" questions.

What matters is that you both decide that you want your marriage to work, and to acknowledge to each other the hurt and pain you have felt around the issue. Do remember that your feelings, those hot emotions that rise up in you, are your responsibility - you can't pin them on anyone else - they are simply the signals of who you are. So you need to find non-blaming ways to share with each other the hurt and pain.

Then comes the trust question. At the end of the day, trust, like love and faith, comes down to a decision - will you trust her?? You have to decide, and then act on that decision by setting aside your doubts, and working positively on your relationship. You may find Kate's article Learning to trust again (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/articles/trust/) a help here.

Good luck

Dave