am i blind?

[missy308]

I have been with my husband for 11 years. He took me out of a bad relationship, and made me the happiest I've ever been. But 2 years ago, he was injured at work. Now we have problems all the time. I know he loves me, but he's always complainig about how bored he is. He has left me about 4 times in the last year. and recently we had a fight where for the first time ever, he hit me! It wasn't hard, but he still raised his hand to me, and that scares me! What is going on here? He is my whole life! Why would he change so much? There must be something I can do! The last 11 years have been the happiest of my life. I can't give up on him because things are tough right now, can I ?Is he bored because he doesn't love me like he used to? I could really use the advice of someone who has been there! There is no big reason for us to break up. and still, that seems to be whats happening. What can I do?!!? I just don't want to hold on to a hopeless relationship! We both deserve happiness, but how?!!?

[Unregistered]

Are you sure things have been so "GREAT" all those years? A man who hits a woman has it "in" him to do so. It's been on your husband's list all along---don't know why he waiting until now to slap you upside the head. I can tell you now--if you don't do something to protect yourself, it is going to get worse. I know it will because you have allowed the first incident to happen without meaningful consequence. You better get some help for yourself Missy and let your husband figure his own game plan. YOU need help! You are already protecting him by saying "it was not a very hard hit." Go back and read your letter...you are taking up for him as if it does not matter that you got violated...go get some counseling for yourself!

[snoopy308]

I know where your comming from, and If you knew the details you may not sound so sure. BUT....your advice echoes in my mind. Now my guard is up. If he even looks at me sideways, I have to go. I'm too unsure about this incident, but I will know what the limite are if anything else happens. It's really hard to face reality when it means everything you knew is gone.Let me have faith now, and if I kick myself later, well... I tried,right? You never said anything about yourself. have you been through this before? How do you know? Please share!

[Dave]

Dear Missy/Snoopy308

There is of course no place for violence (physical or emotional) in any marriage, but that doesn't mean you have to walk away.

Your husband seems to me to be crying out for love and support, not condemnation.

For many men, a huge amount of their self-worth and identity is tied up with their work. You've only got to listen to us talk... "I'm and engineer...", "he's a lawyer" etc. Actually we're talking about the jobs we do, but we start to treat them as an identity.

Losing one's work through injury (or for other reasons) often leaves us men feeling completely useless and valueless. He is doubtless frustrated as well as bored that he can't do and be what he was. This is a huge pressure on any marriage, but it doesn't have to spell the end.

I really believe you need professional help - this is not an easy one! You have to be very careful too how you approach it - he's already seeing himself as a worthless failure, you don't want to undermine him further.

You can also do a huge amount to help him heal. You can show him that he is still special, valued, esteemed, cherished, useful, and ultimately, your lifelong husband. He may find this hugely hard at first - there is a real spiral of rejection that can set in, with him desarately pushing you away just to prove to himself how hopeless and unloveable he is - making the victim in him right!

Do find a counsellor, mentor, pastor or someone who can help you through what may be a tough road, but one that ultimately is a hugely rewarding one. Loving someone back to life ain't easy - but it can be done.

Good luck

Dave