Is it ok to trust your partner register on a dating site online?

[Unregistered]

My wife just lost her job,and says is just looking for some genuine male friends.

We do love each other,should I trust her,although I cant resist spying on her mail,without her knowledge.

She is really helpful and supportive to this chap who has never had any relationship.

I agreed with my wife that she can only communicate through this date site and never give her phone number or email address.

Do you think I should be keeping an eye on their conversation,it makes me feel that I do not trust her...

I am so worried,shall I just let her carry on but keep an eye,until she decides to meet him.....

Please reply me if you have any suggestion, I wrote a couple of days ago but still waiting to get some advice

Thank You

[Kate]

Sorry that no-one has relied to your earlier posting. Trust really has to be based on openness and accountability. You might find it helpful to read the article on trust here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/trust/).

Most people think that anything done on line is somehow not real and therefore not dangerous, but unfortunately we can begin to get emotionally involved even through texts or emails.

If you are really unhappy, then does that mean that you would like to talk it through with your wife some more? It's surely better to take responsibility for the situation and talk about your concerns than to be checking up after her all the time.

Looking back at your original posting, you have a few issues to talk through which are deeper than this on-line thing. Issues like whether she should have male friends and whether she should go out alone or always with you. You also seem to have some concerns about your different ethnic and possibly cultural backgrounds. There seems to be a lot to explore together.

Have you considered using some of the marriage enrichment resources (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) that are available to help you talk to each other and understand each other better? (Some of these are available in USA as well as the UK) Every married couple has to learn to adjust to the way each sees life and that takes time. Don't duck the issues and hope they go away, it's far better to engage with these issues so you can strengthen your love for each other.

All the best

Kate

[Unregistered]

Thanks for your reply Kate,

I appreciate it, I have talked to her a bit more about the dangers of on line friends and I even printed out a few scenarios from this forum for her,which she agreed ,and understands my point.I will be happy to stop checking on her once she finds a job. Its not the right moment to discuss this issue,because I know she has not done anything wrong so far.As far as my trust to let her have male friends is concerned I would be happy to open up and let her have some independence.

We love each other very much.

[Unregistered]

She doesn't need to be on any dating line for any reason. I'm sorry she has some underlying issues that she may need to work out. You should be the only male that she needs to confide in. Get real.

[lexiemae]

If your wife is talking to someone on a dating service I think that is ok as long as she keeps it on a friend level. If she is open with you about what they talk about there is no need to worry. When she stops letting you read his letters or she becomes secretive about anything then you should try to stop it. I think for now you should trust her but read the emails and see if the guy is too ugly for any woman to want - that always helps- if he is a hotty !! End it. Its really all about how you feel about it. If you don't like it just tell her. Say honey it really hurts me to think that I am not enough for you please stop talking to this man. If there is something you need to talk about come to me.

[just me]

Hello,

Just my opinion, but this situation sounds as if it could develop into something other than just a friendly chat on the internet. Seems that you are wise to keep an eye on her. Sure, you should trust your spouse, but also ask yourself why she needs male friends on the internet. A very good book on the subject of just how easy it can be to become emotionally (and sexually involved) online is called "Internet Infidelity". Sorry, but at the moment I cannot recall the author, but will post it when I find it. The gist of the book is that many people become quickly intimate with members of the opposite sex online because the normal constraints that keep us from straying--i.e. seeing the other person face-to-face, the possibility of being seen together, etc. are not there in an internet situation. As the book explains, many people tell themselves that involvements over the internet "aren't real" and therefore nothing to worry about. More than likely your wife has good intentions, but it seems to me that it's probably better for both of you to realize that the potential for involvement is there.
Hope this helps.

[Rendal]

Hi,

If I was looking for "genuine" male freinds, it would never have entered my head to go on a dating line.
Do you get out much together, if not then go, we sometimes have more reaching conversations out of the home. Try to take her somewhere you know she'd like to go, regardless of whether it would be your first choice.
You obviously love your wife but somethings missing for her to start this in the first place. Take time to show an interest in her likes.
eg; One day I said to my hubby, lets go out somewhere today, OK he said and promptly checked the local paper for any car or motorbike shows, thats fine and I'd have been OK but I would rather have gone to a garden or a castle.
Maybe you already do go places for her interest?
I think rather than spending your time checking up on your wife it could be better spent gently probing her with questions to see what it is she's looking for. It could be as simple as a 2 way conversation. Think hard before you say you have them.

Rendal

[jennyj]

I'm sorry but I will have to be blunt here. This sounds like a giant hint to me that there is something seriously wrong in your relationship. Love is blind but these on line aquaintences sound like she is saying I'm bored I need other men company I'm stuck in a rut, I love my man but he bores me, or she likes the security but isn't fulfilled?? who knows?? Please take a birds eye view at your relationship and see why she may be doing these things. What you may see may hurt but maybe it is something you can build on? Be strong! Dont let her have too much time on the net, after all, she hs YOU!