My wife is making friends online

[Unregistered]

Hi all
I am 40 and my wife is 36
my wife recently left her job two months ago due to stress and depression.We love each other very much.

But recently she started searching for friends on dating sites.At first I thought its just a bit of fun,just to see how many response she gets.

I have a secret as well I have been checking her mails without her knowing it,I only did to find out if she is not getting herself into trouble.I have talked to her a lot about online friends,they might not what they say.

She agreed she is just having fun reading through messages,and she wont make any friends online.

Now I found out through her email that she is corresponding to this chap,he is worried because she wrote she is married.But she wrote to him reassuring she does love me,all she needs is a male friend to confide to.I have checked the chaps profile,he seems a nice genuine chap!!!But I do not trust online friends.
She told the chap before we got married 7 yrs ago she had to give up all her male friends because I am not British and I am an extremely jealous and possessive person,she says its my culture thing to the conline person.

I am a jealous person,just because I love her very much,but I cant bear the lie that she is not making any friends online when she still is....

I am very vulnerable and shaky when I read them,I tried to abstain from not reading her mail,but I need to know what are they up to.

I am even thinking about the consequences,ie Separation,I cannot live with a person who is lying....

I am even scared to tell her I have been checking on her emails....
she will not trust me and hate me,I love her too much I cant bear to lose her...

I have told her not to meet anyone online,if not I will leave her,
she cant bear to lose me as well....there is so much damaged to be caused if we break up.

I get on very well with her Mum and Dad,I cant bear to hurt them....

I dont know if I should warn her softly softly,not to carry on if not she will end up losing me.
Or just drop the bombshell that she is still carrying making friends and I have been spying on her mail which might make things even worse.Because she did tell the online chap that she loves me and she lacks male friends of her age to chat to.

She was invited to her male colleagues birthday last week, and I agreed we can go together,because I am very jealous if she goes on her own.

She wrote to her friend that I stop her having male friends and she had an argument thats why she did not go to the party.This is a lie because I agreed we should go.Because I am Asian and she is Caucasian she might be ashamed to bring me round her friends...

Please advise me what to do....

Thank you

[Kate]

Hi there, you seem to have run up against some of the cultural differences that some couples have to face. She believes that she needs and can manage to have male friends without letting you down. You obviously believe that wives should not have male friends. The different ways you see life make it hard for you to trust her, but that does not mean that she can’t be trusted. It means that you need to understand each other better. One way of looking things is not right and the other wrong. There is an article about trust here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/trust/).


One of the problems that you have is that she is becoming aware that you feel jealous and anxious about any contact she has with other men. This makes it hard for her to be open with you. Is there some way that you can begin to find common ground? There are a number of programmes you could consider, Enrich (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/interfaith/couplequiz1/) and Focus (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/services/foccus/) help you to discover more about how you view married life, or you could try our Personality Profiler (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/pp/personprofile1.html).

Marrying someone with a different cultural background can bring lots of challenges but also lots of rewards. Somehow you need to find ways to stand in each others shoes, to begin to see life through each others eyes. There are some resources in the section we call, Interfaith marriage (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/interfaith/). They cover cultural as well as religious issues. You might find something of interest there.

Perhaps it’s a cultural thing again, but I believe in working with others to try and find a way forward, rather than declaring my boundaries and challenging them to accept them or else.
Some of what you wrote has ultimatums and confrontation in it. I’ve told her I’ll leave her if…. Is that the best way to sort out problems? Does that help you to solve them together? Marriage is surely a partnership in which you face life together. I hope that you can find a way to share with each other what is important to you and discover some of the richness of bringing together two cultures and backgrounds in love.

All the best

Kate

[Unregistered]

Thanks for your reply Kate
I appreciate where I was going wrong.

I have been trying so much to give my wife hints about how I can be a better partner, and she always reassures me she loves me and she would not hurt me.

I am still going through her e mail to he friends and found out she fancies someone at her previous workplace, nothing has happened between them,infact the poor man did not even know how she feels about him,which is ok by me,but she wrote to her that she sent him an anonymous card andpeople have been gossiping about them.

What really came as surprise is that she wrote:
'I trust YOU are discreet about K ( the man)'
'it might sound mad and childish but I still think about him a lot'
She hada panick attack once at work when K came to fix her PC and she said she was to nervous and embarrssed to tell him,and he was so nice and affectionate,she was very much touched.

this means its either lust or infatuation.NowI can see every time she talks to me thr is alink between thos incidents like the other day she asked me would I be scared to ask her out if I was a co worker and she gave me an example of an IT person coming to fix my computer,exactly what happened to her.

I know I am jealous may be paranoid but this is driving me crazy.I am vry ANGRY .I d all my best to satisfy her,and always ask her if I need to do anything to become a better partner,and she always reassures me Sheloves me very much,and that I am caring,supportive and She has mentioned a few times se does not appreciate me and she cries.

I dont know if I can trust her, I am very hurt.I do not want to confront her now due t her low morale,sheis still stressed job hunting,thoughshe is on a 2 month temp contract.She is also on medication for depression.I do not want to pressurise her more by bringing these issues,I am waiting for the right time.

I know there is nothing going on between them,but ifeel like i cant trust her and regarding my jealousy problem,its just getting worse.

I would rather get to talk to a counseller to help me .Because If confront her she will laugh it off asbeing just a joke or was not serious since nothing happened between them.

Please advise me if there is a counseller I can talk to and then these issues can be taced between us together as a partnership
and build trust again.

Thanks

[Kate]

I am sorry that I haven't got back to you sooner - I have been away.

We have a section for finding a counsellor here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/).

From what you've written, it sounds as if your wife wants to be more open with you, but that she is perhaps scared. The fact she is asking about incidents that mirror what she has been in herself, suggests to me that she needs your advice and reassurance, but fears your reaction. If she wanted to hide it from you she would do a better job.

It sounds very wise to go and get some help to handle your anger and then you will be better equipped to talk calmly to her.

Have you looked at the article on trust? There are others on communication here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/) too.

All the best

Kate

[Unregistered]

I'm the opposite my husband calls women at their home when i'm gone to the store or at funeral or women call to our home but i put a stop to that i change my phone #. i was so angry at him. we are only going to be married for two years. I through his e-mails and his wallet. It has ruined my trust in him. I have no guy friend so he won't thinking the worst of me. i know i was honest in doing things i told my husband the truth then hid things from him. so i understand the pain and anger.