compliments

[maria c]

I am a little confused about articles I have read about giving compliments to others to create a feel good effect. My husband recently worked with a female colleageu who did this to him and he became very affected by it and ended up writing a love song to her! she said she loves everyone like god loves her although admitted to flirting to pass the day! Isnt it inappropriate sometimes especially when others can become hurt by it and it creates confusion. (sorry that I ended up posting this message twice it is my firts time!)

[Liz]

Dear Maria,

The tip on the site is about using compliments (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/tips/compliment.html) to affirm one another in marriage, not responding to them from outsiders so as to disrupt the marriage.

I don't know if you have seen articles elsewhere on this subject. I think it is good to affirm people's good points, but to be very careful that it isn't misunderstood as flirting. Where there is a genuine desire to affirm someone rather than build an inappropriate relationship then compliments have there place.

Liz

[maria c]

The aticle I read was by kate on keeping your relationships healthy and it was suggesting valuing and appreciating friends, colleagues etc and how it is like a ripple effect. I have read the same thing in several places. whilst I fully agree I am worried that there are people who use this approach for their own ends as I am sure that this colleague was being manipulative because she knew the effect it was having. she said she knew my husband was felt differently towards her but n.ever said anything because the world is harsh enough. (most of their talk was done on email). Even when he sent her the song she still encouraged him and told him how good it was. if she was honest why didnt she just tactfully say it is really good but I dont think my husband or your wife would like it. I had just had a baby and my Dad had died at the same time (3 months before this happened) so I was devestated to find out this had been going on when my husband woke me up on New Years Day. she said she was a very caring, open person and treats everyone with the love that God treats her although my husband was totally unaware of this philosoophy. she has since had a breakdown at work. My fear is that some people use this approach in a manipulative way to get what they want which we could all do if we wanted to.

[Liz]

Dear Maria,

I think you're right people can misuse compliments to manipulate people. It sounds as if you were hurt at a really vulnerable time.

I've had a look at the article you referred to here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/articles/feelings/index5.html). I think that what Kate was getting at, at the end of several pages exclusively about showing love to your spouse, was that there is an awful lot of criticism and negativity around and that we can encourage people by pointing out their good points, but as you say that shoudn't be taken so far as to draw us into inappropriate relationships.

You might like to look at Kate's tip of the week (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/tips/tipofweek.html). It will change tomorrow, so here is it quoted:

"Will you forsake all others and be faithful, so long as you both shall live?

Now this is a tough one! In the service when we got married this was a commitment we made to each other.

Not everyone manages to keep this, but it helps to start out with the definite decision to aim to do so. All of us fail to keep our promises to each other in some way or other, and today there are many temptations not to do so.

There is something in the first part of the promise which is key – forsaking all others. That means turning our back on the possibility of a relationship of the emotional and sexual intensity that marriage brings, with anyone else but our husband or wife. Surely that is what makes marriage so special, because it is exclusive. It’s reassuring to know that when you allow your spouse to begin to see all the parts of your personality that you fear to let others see, that they will treasure and protect that. When they open themselves up to you, then you can rest secure that you are the only one who knows them in that way. Unfaithfulness betrays that vulnerability and openness to another. That is why infidelity causes such pain.

There have been times when I have been tempted to wander into a level of relationship that is not appropriate and then those words have echoed in my mind – that I have forsaken all others. Have you?"

It sounds as if your husband's colleague was not in a very ggod place. Let's hope your husband can put this behind him and cherish his special wife!

Liz

[maria c]

dear Liz

Thank you for your reply. You are right I was extremely hurt at a very vulnerable time and have found it really difficult to move on and forget what happened even though my husband and I are much closer and he is really sorry now that it happened. i just feel really confused and cant understand how something like that could develop so quickly(Just 2-3 weeks) over email and why either person didnt pull back when they realised it was getting out of hand. My husband said maybe it was because he didnt feel very close to me but I had just been through a really traumatic time and things only started to get tense between us because of his behaviour as he started to act strangely obviously due to this. He said she was flirting with him and saying things like I LOVE YOU when he sorted something out for her. It makes me really angry to think that someone would think they have the right to treat my husband like this even though she knew he was married with a new baby and children. She also said she loves her husband very much and he trusts her because he knows she would never do anything to hurt him. When I tried to talke to her over email she said she had only ever been a good colleague and treated him the same as all her collegues and they treat her like an agony aunt because she is so caring. she had said to my husband that she wanted to be a friend of the family but then told me to stop contacting her even though I had only emailed her twice and was very pleasant in my emails to her she said I was harrassing her and anyone with decent bones would know she was just being a good colleague. My husband said she was acting like this probably bedause she was ashamed of what she had done and didnt want to admit it. the trouble is I am left wondering what really was going on and it is scary as sometimes it seems as if it couldnt have been that much and sometimes it seems as if there must have been more to it than I was told. they did meet up for a xmas meal which was supposed to be a few people going and ended up just them - which i wasnt told about until after. I feel scared that all this was happening right under my nose and i wasnt aware. How many more people are there out there who just dont think about the effects of what they are doing on others. she may well have had a difficult life and likes to be there for all her colleagues and be a loving, generous christian but the consequences of her behaviour were devestating to me. I could go round acting like that and saying insincere things to try to make people like me but I wouldnt as I am honest and wouldnt feel comfortable. the sad thing is that people respond to it and even though my husband said he was very suspicious of her at first he got drawn into it.

My husband also says that he thinks that flirting is supposed to be good for you(hesays he has read it) which I totally disagree as I think that it is only done for one reason to try to attract someones attention and make them like you. what do you feel?

Thanks it is really helpful to talk about it as my husband says I should just forget it all as it wasnt anything that serious anyway.

Maria

[Dave]

Dear Maria,

I don't think flirting is good for you - I don't think it's good for one’s wife or husband either. As you say it's usually done to attract someone's attention and make them like you. It massages the ego and makes you feel good in some way - more manly, or more feminine, more attractive.

There was a time when David and I struggled in this area. He's very fun loving and would tease women friends of ours, but I began to feel uncomfortable with it and talked to him about how I felt. He was quite sad when he knew how it was affecting me and I knew he hadn't meant any harm by it. Since then he's been more careful how he relates to other women.

From my point of view there have been times when I have felt attracted to male friends. I found the best protection for us and our marriage was for me to admit it to David straight away. It wasn't that there was a problem between us, just that I found the other person attractive for a time. I found honesty protected me from allowing my imagination to run away with itself - it made me accountable to David and I determined not to do or say anything that I would want to hide from him. He was also very supportive - he could so easily have teased me about it and embarrassed me - he's got a lively sense of humour - but he didn't - he respected the confidentiality of what I'd shared with him.

I don't think there is anything unusual about occasionally finding someone attractive either physically or emotionally, but you learn to be careful not to let it grow and affect your relationship. It sounds from what you’ve said that this woman needed some affirmation of some kind especially as you say she had a breakdown later at work.

I’m sure it's going to take you time to forget this incident and to trust your husband fully, but it can be done. What can you learn from the situation? What did you discover about yourself? Are there things you can both agree to do to ensure you feel safer in each others love? Are there ways you can show each other love and share problems and traumas when they arise so you stay close?

Liz