HELP!!!

[greencork]

We have been married for 22 years, and we have three sons, 21, 19, and 17.

I recently caught my wife having an affair with a close friend. Also though it is over (he ended it), she tells me that she does not love me anymore, has felt that way for years, and would like to end our marriage.

I stlii love her deeply, I can forgive the affair. I just want her to work with me, to start over, but I cannot convine her that we can make it.

I think she is holding a deep rooted anger against me. During the early nineties I was out most every night with work commitments and community involvement. I took her for granted and I think she is holding this anger. I feel that if she could deal with it, and let it go, we might have a chance.

What should I do....

[Kate]

Ten odd years of hurt and anger won't be healed over night and maybe your wife has lost the will to make things work, at least at present.

Have you been able to tell her that you recognise and take full responsibility for the mistakes you made in the past and that you dearly want her forgiveness? Have you been able to tell her that you understand that she must be very hurt and angry and that you want to really understand what that feels like for her and can she help you to do that?

Counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) may help her to come to terms with her own hurt and you could approach it at first as a healing process without looking to the long term future. If you can help her to understand that you have her good at heart, without expecting her to make a firm commitment for the future, you may find a way forward. To talk of rebuilding your marriage may be more than she can face at present and she may not want to face the pain she feels. It's often easier to push it down, but it's not healthier.

I think what I'm saying is to try and love her without any strings attached at present, just focus on what she needs to be healed from the hurt she has suffered and your love will begin to shine through. Show her you want what's best for her whatever the cost to you. I don't mean by that that you should give up and encourage her to separate from you, just take things one step at a time. You might like to have a look at some of the articles in the Relationship Basics (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/) area on what love is, feelings, anger etc to help you understand what is going on.

I hope that you can find a way forward with her.