confused and need help

[dmbfan]

Hello everyone. I have a question and don't necessarily need answers, just outside opinions. I am married but separated. I have been married for four years, but those years are full of frustration. I'm trying to word this so that it won't be too long because there are so many factors involved. Basically, My husband has lied to me numerous times about various things, mainly money. The two biggies are: he filed our taxes and used a big majority of it (mostly money from my job, because he was only getting unemployment) to buy himself a very expensive Imac computer...without talking to me about it first. Second, he took a check I had coming from a previous job for vacation pay reimbursement, signed his name and mine on it, and cashed it. He never told me about, even after I realized the check had never come and told him I was going to track it down. It had gotten to the point where I couldn't have his name on my checking account, but still he was able to take checks and cash them or use them at places that don't check for names. Anyway, there's more, but I won't go into it all at once. I love him, but i'm not IN love with him anymore. The passion isn't there anymore. We got married at a young age before we really knew eachother, and I was pregnant, he went into the military, but after that everything went down hill with our relationship. I don't know what to do. I have a daughter and I don't want to upset her life by taking her father out of the picture. My husband is in the depths of despair without me and her, and I miss him sometimes, but more often than not, i'm fine being away from him. Anyway, just needed to get that out. thanks.

[Unregistered]

I felt I needed to continue my story only because when I read over my message, it left a lot of details out. In addition to seeming to be a pathalogical liar, my husband has issues with anger and depression. During our marriage, he has become very angry with me not to the point of physical abuse (only once), but horrible verbal abuse. There was one instance where he got so verbally violent that he threatened to hurt me and I called the police. After experiencing these kinds of reactions from him, I think I began to fall out of love with him. The lies only made it easier for me to doubt I could ever be really happy with him. The most difficult part, I think, is that my husband continues to profess his undying and never ending love for me. My daughter and I are his world, the only things he has to live for. It's like he's jekyl and hyde. Which one do I believe, when I can't hardly believe either one? I'm at the point where I am not in love with him and though I want to support him in getting his head straight and doing the right things, I don't know if I could ever be happy with him. I guess all I am doing is asking myself, should I continue to work at a marriage that I don't want anymore? Or should I just be honest with him and learn to let go?

[Liz]

Hi there,

From what you've written you have obviously realised that being in love and loving someone describe two different things. We would like our relationship with our husbands to be exciting and full of passion, but sometimes there is so much pain or so much pressure in life that we lose that "fire" at least for a while.

You've recognised that you have something deeper for your husband - a desire for his well being and for your daughter to have the opportunity to know her dad. That's another side of love which involves our wills choosing to be loving and caring even when we are getting little in return or what we are getting is hurt and pain.

Lots of people would say, cut your losses, get out and start afresh in the hope that you will find someone who will bring you happiness. only you know how important it is to keep your commitment to your husband. Only you know how much you are prepared to give to help him come through his problems and face his weaknesses. There are no guarantees that he will come through and that your marriage will bring happiness. But will you regret in the future if you don't try?

Can you encourage your husband to get some help with his problems, with his dishonesty and weaknesses with money, with his anger management? There are a number of things you could try.

There is an article about rebuilding broken trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/trust/) on the site, which might be worth a read. you could see if he would go to counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/), or you could try an enrichment course (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) that focuses on building openness and communication. If you married young and in a hurry, you may not have given yourselves time to get to know each other. You could try one of the Inventories like Enrich (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhnonres/prepinc/) or Refoccus (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhnonres/foccus/), or even our Personality Profiler (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/pp/personprofile1.html) to learn more.

I don't think anyone necessarily has the "answers" for you, but hope that some of this might help you decide for yourself what you want for your marriage.

best wishes

Liz

[Unregistered]

I don't know what to say except thank you for your reply. I've been waiting for something because no one else seems to know what to say except bad things about my husband, and though i feel I've done the right thing by separating at this time, I just can't feel comfortable knowing he would be out of my life completely. I can't feel comfortable living with him right now. But anyway, your words kind of shook me a little, out of the anger and frustration I've been feeling, and helped to remind me of what I should be focusing on. Thank you.

[smity]

I couldn't help but reply and ask you a few questions. You see I am the one on the other end of you situation. My husband is no longer in love with me. My faults were the fact that I didn't show my love for him enough. He is willing to try to work on the marriage, but constantly reminds me that I should accept the fact that he no longer is in love with me. He wants a spark. He says he is more at peace when I'm not around because my being around only makes him feel badly that he has lost those feelings for me. But I can't turn off my feelings for him. Yes I admit I took for granted his love, and I will blame myself for this for a long time. But how does one renew a spark? Escpecially when he doesn't feel comfortable around me. I am hoping that perhaps you can shed some light on the subject. I'm not a liar nor a cheat, I just didn't give him love.

[Unregistered]

How does one renew a spark? It is a question so commonly and easily asked but not so easily answered. My theory presently, as I am still trying to figure out how to renew a spark, is that it takes time. My husband gave me plenty of love, in the romantic, admiring sense of the word. It was simply trust that dissolved my spark for him, trust in his words and his actions. The more he lied or got into a rage and used hateful words, the less I felt comfortable around him, the less I felt in love with him. I can only guess at what has dissolved between you and your husband. Perhaps, if he didn't feel loved by you, he didn't feel he could trust you with his feelings and with his heart. Damage of trust is can be a deep wound that can take a very long time to heal, I believe. Honestly, I wish I could answer your question completely, and then I wouldn't be in the state of confusion I am now. You did say your husband wanted a spark, so that's important to focus on. If he's willing to try and make the marriage work, then you guys need to try and focus on the things that made the spark happen before. There is a connection there between you two that needs to be examined and explored. Good Luck! I hope for you that the spark is reignited!

[Dave]

Disillusionment happens to all of us! The little things we thought were so attractive in our partner at first become the very sources of annoyance. Gradually the fire dies down to grey embers - "is that all there is?" the heart wispers in the night.

There is a way out! and one of the best is to take yourselves away for one of the excellent weekends run by various organisations up and sown the country. You can find lot's of resources and organisations listed in the Health Club (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/) area here at 2-in-2-1, or you could skip straight to our date-finder (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/datelist.html).

Personally we did a Marriage Encounter weekend back in 1985 and it changed our lives forever - amongst other things it gave birth to 2-in-2-1, but that's too long a story to post here!

Go on try it!

[Unregistered]

Just replying to your original post to let you know that you are not alone. I have had to deal with the same things that you have. My husband got us into so much debt, with out me knowing and then quit his job. So I no longer trust him with our finances. He has also lied to me on several occassions. And I have also had to deal with threats of violance and on one occassion I experienced physical abuse from him.

I to am confused about what to do. I go from believing that our relationship will work to dreaming of a life without him (after he loses his temper over the smallest thing).

Everyone I talk to about this tells me to leave him. But as you probably know it is easier said than done.

I guess I don't have any advice because I am in the same situation as you and don't know what to do. But I hope that knowing someone out their is dealing with the same things as you might be of some comfort.

[smity]

ok, getting the spark back can happen but I have realized that there is a huge obsticle that will hinder the process. He says wants to fall back in love with me and get that spark back but, and it is a big but, there IS another woman.He went this past weekend while I was doing my job with the reserves and met this woman that he says he is in love with. He also took our daughter. Then he proceeded to lie to me about why he went out of town. 3 times he lied. So I had to revert to snooping and found the truth along with seeing the words that are exchanged between them. He wants to be with her. But, here is the kicker, she is also married has 2 kids and says she still loves her husband. So what do I do? Do I sit by and wait for her to say she will leave her husband and then mine tell me he is leaving me for her. I love him. He says he is open to getting the feelings he once had for me back. But how can he be open to that when he is tell her how much he loves her and needs her. How can I believe him when he has lied to me many times already. Now it is hurting seeing those words in my mind that he says to her and thinking that these were words he used to say to me. I am working on myself inside, being happy and peaceful, but I feel down on myself when I think of the exchange of words between them. I hurts. And I feel not only am I going to be hurt more from this but that he will be hurt by this eventually.(from her) can he not see that she may turn around and do the same thing to him in the future, that she is doing to her husband now. What do I do.

[dmbfan]

Thanks for sharing your story with me. A lot of times I feel alone but your words made me feel less alone. I am just trying to take it one step at a time and not rush into anything I don't want to do. I am being very honest with my husband about my feelings so there isn't any confusion about where our relationship is right now. I hope everything works out for you and your husband. I hope you are taking it slow. Again, I appreciate your words. Good Luck!

[dmbfan]

Well, I am glad to hear that your husband wants to reignite the passions between you, but I have a hard time reading his actions. If he wants to reignite the spark between you two, then he shouldn't be igniting it with anyone else. That is the one line I am very afraid to cross during my separation from my husband, because I feel it would basically show him I wasn't serious about being honest and careful in our relationship. I have not had to deal with infidelity, but I think it would mean the end of the relationship. There is no way to know for sure about the other person's feelings if they are telling you one thing and doing another. There is no trust left. You said you've had to resort to snooping to get the truth. Plus he is with a married woman! Personally, and please take my advice carefully, I think it's time for an ultimatum. I know you love him very much and want him back in your life, but do you also want all the uncertainty, pain, and confusion that seems to come along with him? I know you've said you've done things that have turned him away, but you are no longer in the wrong. You have been persistent in trying to reconcile things between you and your spouse, and you are doing it the right way. At this point he is giving mixed messages. Either he wants his cake and he wants to eat it too, or he's not being honest with you about everything. Either way, you need to show him that you will do the right thing. He needs to choose and soon, before all your sanity goes out the window. Your daughter also doesn't need someone in her life showing her that going back and forth between partners is okay. I hope I am not sounding too harsh. I just see that you are distressed, and I think it is your husband making you that way. He needs to choose you or this other woman. Also, even if you are separated, there needs to be some kind of trust link building between you two, or sparks will never be reignited completely.