Marital problems

[Unregistered]

Need some help have tried to talk through our problems but end up rowing all the more or seem to sort for a few days and then we end up right back where we started again. Both of us are stubborn and frightened of being hurt yet again, but we have been together for a long time and feel because we have 2 lovely children that we owe it to them to try and work it out. We row about almost everything, i am a get up and doer and he is a talk about it and never do. I feel i am his mother telling him when to do it and when. Can you bath your son, can you cook the dinner, if i do the ironing will you walk the dog syndrome he's not my husband he's another child. Has to be asked more than once to do anything and his answer is usually in a minute but a minute very rarely comes. Weekends he's only interested in getting up late and buming around watching telly all day when i want to be doing (sorting the house, or garden etc). when times are good they are good but they are few and far between. I seem to spend my time either crying or shouting both of which he ignores as its quite normal these days. We have thought about marriage guidance but its too expensive so as a desperate measure i am trying this website to see if it can up with any answers. I know that i care about him but i'm not sure i love him anymore and i most certainly dont want to sleep with him. Can we sort out these problems or will we always be on this merry go round.

[Kate]

Hi there,

There is a lot of hurt and resentment building up between you, but that doesn't have to continue.

It's interesting that you comment on your relationship being more mother and child. It takes two to slip into that trap, so perhaps if you stop mothering him he may stop being a sloppy teenager. What would you do if it was a teenager that you wanted to grow up? You probably would start not doing everything for them. You would consider stopping the rows and let the mess accumulate around them until they realised something was up. That will be hard for you to do, because I guess you will find it hard to live with the resultant chaos without tidying up or having a fight.

You could tell him that you don't think he is doing enough around the house and that you are only going to do certain things from now on while he has to take responsibility for the rest. And then stick to it. If he’s due to do the ironing and it doesn’t get done then he won’t have a clean shirt for work!

Having said all that, I wonder how he feels when he comes home from work. Does he think that he has now done his bit as the bread winner? Does he believe housework is women’s work? What motivates him, do you know? Does he like a challenge? Is he a starter but not a finisher of jobs? Some of these questions might help you to understand why he behaves the way he does.

What is going on inside you? Do you want to control him and organise him like the children? Do you judge he is taking you for granted? Do you think house work would be shared?

There are a few articles that you might find helpful in the Basic relationship skills (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/) section on anger and making conflict work for your marriage, on forgiveness and building up your communication.

How do you experience being loved – thoughtful actions (?), gifts, physical affection, gentle words, attention? Which way does your husband experience love. It might be worth a conversation about it. If you are feeling taken for granted it may be because the language of love you are both using is not understood by the other.

Last of all, you may just need some time away together to draw close and kick start your communication again. Some of the marriage enrichment programmes (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) might interest you. Some of them operate on a voluntary donation rather than a fee, so if money's tight, you can still go.

Hope that is a start to see what's on offer here. Let us know how things go.

Best wishes

Kate