still scared (part 2 )

[libbielou]

dear kate, i took your advice and when my husband came today it was a lot more relaxed than usual. He stayed for over three hours where last time it was 45 minutes. I have told him that i wont get in touch over him seeing the kids just to expect him on a sunday and if he is not there by one we will get on with doing our own thing. He kept asking when we were going on holiday and dropping hints about coming. The only thing that worries me is that he has got the best of every world, seeing his girlfriend and then coming here and everything is nice, am i making it to easy for him? I still feel very angry and bitter over what he has done, so i wrote it down like you said and i will give it to him just before i go away, i am really frightened about giving it to him, but i felt better by just writing it so hopefully when i give it to him and he knows how i feel then he might understand me a little bit more. He is still refusing to give me a divorce. I can't work out if its a good thing or not, is he refusing to be awkward and to have some hold over me or is it because he wants to stay married and come home. Wot do u think. He also asked me for his wedding ring back. I said no but i am going to put it in with his letter. I dont know where we go from here but i am still scared.

[Kate]

Dear Libbielou,

What does he want? I wasn't sure what you meant about thewedding ring - is that the one you wear or did he have one himself that he left with you? I'm not surprised that you are confused by his behaviour!

I would suggest that you re-read your letter before you give it to him and think about whether you want to do it just before you go away. You need to be sure that you aren't going to sit and worry about his reaction all the time you are away. The point of the letter is to help you express what you want to say without the difficulty of putting it into words while watching his reaction or being interrupted by him.

I'm sure it's wise to establish some boundaries for him, allowing him to come and see the children, but not letting him take you for granted. Sooner or later he's going to have to make up his mind what he wants.

I hope you manage to have a good holiday. SOme space may do you good and give you a clearer perspective on what is going on.

All the best

Kate

[libbielou]

dear kate,
thanks for your reply, when i mentioned about the wedding ring what i meant to say was. The wedding ring belonged to him (i bought it him) when we split up i took it back off him ( don't ask me why i dont know) while he was at my house he told me that he wanted it back, what for i dont know.
You are probably right about giving him the letter before i go away i might fret i will see if i can do it before i go. i will let you know if anything happens before but hopefully i can go away and completly chill out with my kids. Thank you for your replys they keep me sane

[libbielou]

Dear Kate. Once again i find myself back here hoping for more advice. I have just come back from a wonderful holiday with my kids, My husband texted me a few times while i was away some nice some not, i think he really felt it that he wasn't on the family holiday, he was parked up outside the house waiting for us to return but we were delayed he then turned up the next day as he was passing. I finally managed to get him to sit down an talk. I have explained that I can fully understand that the marriage is over and that we have both got different lives to get on with. I have been asking him about a divorce and no matter how hard i reason with him he will not agree to it. Its like he can get on with his life but i am not allowed to move on with mine, he insists that i am his wife but doesn't live here I cannot meet someone else but its ok for him to do it. I think he believes that when he has done what he wants to do then he can come home and that i will be waiting for him. He knows where laying the rules down i will stand my ground I'm not weak willed or a push over so i can't understand why he is doing it. I feel that although i am getting on with things the best i can with the kids i'm still stuck in limbo. He tells me he loves me when hes here he tries to hug and kiss me, he says he can't live with me or without me I don't know what to do now. When i act cool towards him he doesn't like it and yet when i'm nice to him he just takes advantage of it. I try to keep it civil for the kids sake but then he lets them down. He popped in with his friend for a brew when he was just passing. I asked him in future if he could phone first and not bring his friends he accused me of being awkward. He thinks that because i am his wife he has a right to come when he wants and i can have a life when our youngest can look after herself she is 11 months old. Any advice on this would be grateful thank you.

[Kate]

Dear Libbielou,

He really doesn't seem to want to take responsibility for his marriage and family, does he? It must be hard for you to try and keep the door open for him to come back and be a real husband to you and keeping the boundaries so that he doesn't take you for granted.

Have you sat down and thought about what you really want? Is the other woman still around or is he on his own? How did he respond to the letter that you wrote to him?

How is your little one getting on. Hope she's doing well.

All the best

Kate