CHOSING TO MAKE A FRESH START AFTER AFFAIR

[jolie]

My husband had a lengthy affair woth a co-worker. She praised him and I did not. In fact she did everything better. She cleaned her house better, worked long days, had nicer things, took more pride, a military woman, gave him what he had been longing for sexually, mother of two and in a bad marriage to a husband who didn't care for her. They had everything in common, like exactly the same things, talked endlessly, they were in love. We have 3 boys she has 2 girls with whom she introduced my husband to within weeks. I had been staying home with the boys every day and night for four months and had been given a lot of thought to letting him take over. And that is what I did. I had a day with the boys and told them that daddy was going to take care of them. That next day I left. I moved in with a friend and her husband. A month and a half later I bought their place and they moved out. All this time my husband had been wishy washy about me. During this time I went to a bar for a birthday party that I was not going to attend and met a much younger man. Next day went out to dinner and I had an affair. It lasted 3 weeks. My husband wanted to try again. He knew of my affair and still wanted me. He came apologizing and offerings of love to me. I rejected him and was angry at his attempts of apology. We moved back in together. He claimed to be over her but that was not true. They still managed to sneak away (even the day before his birthday). After I found that out I told him to leave, he left to tell her it was over. Now it has been almost a year and I cannot move on. I am still so angry. We have relocated to another state but 1,000 times a day, thoughts enter my mind. He said something that hurt about 3 weeks ago unrelated to the affair but I just can't find it in me to feel loving towards to him. He thinks that sex ia a fix all. I hurt and I am sad all the time, though I do not let him know. I know that is bad. I know that this is long and I apologize, just needed to vent.

[Kate]

Dear Jolie,

You seem to have had a stormy time of it over the last few years. You're right it is important to be able to let out our feelings and frustrations - I hope it's helped and it will probably have helped others struggling with similar situations.

It doesn't sound as if you've sought outside help to move on from the two affairs. Apart from the hurt itself which needs healing, there are probably issues that led to the affair in the first place and I'm sure you want to move on from those and build something healthy for the future. Some couselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) might well help to clear the air and identify where you need to work at things.

When things break down and affairs happen, it's so painful that it's easier to brush things under the carpet, but that doesn't mean they go away.

There are some good articles on Affairs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) on the site. Have you had a chance to have a look through?

The other thing that may well help is to try and move forward with forgiveness (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffhurtforg/forgivegift/) of each other, because unforgivenness causes bitterness to both parties and blocks healing. I know from personal experience how hard it can be to forgive someone who's hurt you badly and even continues to let you down, but it is the best way forward both for yourself and for you both. There are a number of articles in that section on conflict and forgiveness (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffhurtforg/) which you might find helpful.

I do hope you find a way forward together.

With best wishes

Kate