How can we put our marriage together again?

[Unregistered]

After 28 years of marriage we started to ignore and hurt each other verbally. Because of my physical disabilities and ill-health we have almost entirely stopped doing things together. We no longer hold hands when out together because of disability.

Last week my husband told me he'd been having an affair. He has since ended it and asked me to go to Relate with him. We have been for our initial session and intend to go again. I have always trusted him and he has always been a kind, caring and honest man.

I am feeling suicidal with depression and he has gone away to his family to sort his head out. I know he needs space but I need comfort and reassurance. I tell him I love him but he cannot say it to me. He has spent several days crying for the loss of his new love while I have held him and tried to comfort him.

What can I do? How can I feel less hurt and betrayed?
Can we save something that seems so hopeless?

He failed to have full sex with her but has with me. How do I stop myself thinking that he is thinking of her when this happens?

I so want some comfort, support and hope. Anyone got any ideas?

[Kate]

Thank you for sharing so honestly the pain that you are going through at this moment. Of course you want some comfort, support and hope. The one person who you need by your side has gone away for a while, and you are lovingly giving him the space to, as he says, "sort out his head".

He sounds as though he is a caring man, who wants to sort things out between you. I'm sure he is feeling very confused right now.

No-one can guarantee or predict the future but you do have a man who has come back from the attractions of an affair, and recognised his responsibilities to you. Try and remember all the good you know he has within him and the good times you have had.

There will need to be some forgiveness (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/forgive/). You have obviously begun this process by having him back and accepting his pain and tears. I am sure that will have meant a lot to him. Both of you need to offer comfort when you are able in order to begin to build the bridges so that forgiveness and healing can begin.

You say that you wish you didn't feel so hurt and betrayed, but those feelings (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/feelings/) are part of who you are and accepting the reality of them is part of the healing. Have you had a chance to look at the area on the site about infidelity (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/)? There may be some articles there that help you.

As to the fact that you keep wondering about whether he is thinking of her when you make love that is also very natural. It will be another part of the battle to trust him (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/trust/) again, a battle that will take place in your thoughts and your heart.

If you are feeling really depressed then do go and talk to your doctor. You don’t have to manage without help. Do you have family around you or friends who will give you a hug and spend some time with you?

With a hug from us all here at 2-in-2-1

Kate