what can i do Part 2

[snuggle]

Thankyou for the advice offered. Things have gone from bad to worse, my husband refuses to even talk to me at this stage. My mum arrives in three days and all he can do is call her a horrible names and has said if she enters HIS house that i be prepared to call the morge!!, he is a violent man already on a protection order for being violent towards me. I have told him that no matter what has been said in the past he is my husband I have made the decision to be with him and I love him dearly. He is under the impression that my mum is coming here to break up our relationship, he has no grounds to base this on, we live on the other side of the world to my mum and we see each other about once a year, I do not understand why he is being this way.
Today we had a disagreement about the fish tank, within seconds he is calling my mum names!!!, why he has to involve her in every arguement is beyond me. As I was leaving the house to go to work he calls out for me to pick our daughter up from school, I said I am working all day, it was his day off he always gets her on a monday. I recieved a call from the school to come and collect her as no one had turned up for her!!!! I am heart broken, she was so upset as no one had collected her, the saddest thing she said also was she felt scared because she thought Daddy might have killed me!!!!, I am devestated that my daughter has thought like this. My husband did not return home until 9.30pm he has not said a word, I feel I am in a very vunerable situation and I am scared, scared of my husband, the man i swore to love till Death do us part. Help if you can any advice will be welcomed.

[Kate]

Hi there,

Have you told your mother what the domestic situation is? She is going to get an awful shock if she doesn't know you are back with your husband. Is it possible to book her into a local hotel and try and meet her on neutral ground with your husband? That might give your husband space to realise that she hasn't come to cause trouble between you.

If your husband is under a protection order then surely he will not dare to do anything violent, but you should be thinking seriously about whether you should be living with him at the moment. There are soem resources and phone numbers for advcie on domestic violence here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/womenrisk/).

No one doubts your commitment to your marriage, but you need to ensure that you and your daughter are safe and, as David said previously, find a way to talk things through with your husband. If he struggles with anger then some anger counselling might help him, if he is willing to go along.

If you fidn it hard to get him to talk rationally at the moment, you could try a simple gentle note, explaining that you care for him and that you have arranged for soemwhere else for your mum to stay out of respect for his wishes, but that you would like him to meet her for a meal. Perhaps when he realises he is not being threatened he may calm down.

I hope you can find some way to talk to him.

Best wishes

Kate

[snuggle]

Thankyou Kate for your advice, I have tried talking to him so many times assuring him that he is making issues and problems over nothing, he has always been very controling over me and having visiters to stay has always been an issue, it is as if he can not bear to share me with others. I have written him a number of letters in the last week to his e-mail, I have really told him how I feel about him and how I wish he could move on from this so we can be together as a happy family, I have expressed that yes you are my husband and I love you unconditionally of which I do everyday but once a year when my mother comes from overseas it is apparent that I will need to spend time with her. I have arranged alternative accommodation for my mum, which was really hard for me, what gives him the right to refuse my family entry to our home, I would never do that to his even though there are a few issues there also I would never set such a demand, not that he would ever allow that to happen anyhow.
So now even when he knows that she will not be staying here, he still continues to call her names and fight with me?, I am really confused to whether this is really the problem or whether he just wants to end the marriage. I tried to talk to him last night about why he did not collect our daughter from school?, he just laughed at me and refused to talk. Ysterday he smashed up my mobile phone it is one contact I have with my family we texted each other often his words were "lets see how your yellow faced whore of a mother contacts you now?", it really hurts me the way he talks about her as his has no reason to base his anger on her, I marriage has been on the rocks for years and I only wish that I had been stronger and nt returned after leaving in April, my daughter did not deserve to go through being left for hours yesterday as the school could not track me down and he had broke my mobile, still he can not explain why he did not collect her.
I know it is the end I guess I just need someone to talk to as i live abroad all my family are in the UK and my husband has not encouraged me to get friends the ones I do get he is horrible to and are never allowed back to the houe as it is HIS house.
I am just lonely and lost in my world of anger and abuse.
Any advice is welcomed.

[Kate]

I hope your Mum arrives safely and that you are able to spend some time with her. I am sure that she will give you what support she can.

Have you had a look at the resources on domestic violence (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/womenrisk/). It's always important to try and make a marriage work, but you do need to protect yourself and get some help. Is there anyone locally that you could approach for help, a local church, or the British Embassy? Some places have organisations to support Britains living abroad.

Have some good times wiht your mum.

best wishes

Kate