Flexoid
30th August 2003, 04:39 PM
:confused: ok Well i hope this will be enough background and info for a reply.
I'm a 24 y/o, male. I don't have a job and tend to be difficult to live with at times(apparently). My wife and I have been married for 6 years now. We've had many ups and downs and it's difficult to pinpoint if there was any 1 little thing that screwed up anything else in our marriage. We have 2 kids. The first is 5, and the second is 4. I have issues with them sometimes, but I'm not sure how relevent that would be to this post. As I already stated I'm unemployed, so she is the only one of us with a job right now. She is a 24 y/o female who works as an officer at a jail. Our multiple fights have led us to be rash at times at state that we were leaving before. I've done it, and she has done it. We've even taken off on each other for half a day or so before..sometimes when the fighting is really bad ya just need that kinda break ya know? anyway.... here about a month or so ago we had been fighting all day off and on. Then the next day she goes to work, and when she comes home she tells me that she thinks she doesn't love me..I was a little shocked, because normally when we have a bad day, the next day usually runs just fine and we tend to make up. I asked her why she felt that way, and she said that it had been coming for quite a while and that she was pretty sure she hadn't loved me for a long time. So I asked her how long it had been since she really loved me and she said maybe a year..I was pretty upset at this point. I felt like someone took my heart out of my chest tossed it into the air and hit it with a baseball bat. I didn't yell, or cuss though. I kept pretty decent control over my emotions. We talked for a long while that day and finally she agreed to give it another few months to see if it could really work out. What really bugged me about that situation was that when she told me we weren't actually getting into it with each other we were just talking rationally about some other things.
I don't think I'm taking advantage of her...yeah i should probably pick up more around the house, and i could probably try harder to make her love me..but it makes me angry to think that i should be the one to be making all the effort in our marriage. If she said that she wants to give it another few months, why isn't she trying to make me love her too?
I think I noticed slowly over time the way she stopped kissing me like she used to, how the sex slowly started to become somewhat routine, the way that she acted like loving me was more of an obligation to me rather than something she wanted to do....but I just kinda took these things to be the natural course of a marriage. I had heard how women will sometimes become much more colder to men as they grow accustomed to having them around so i thought that was all it was. I didn't really take it as a sign that she was unhappy with me.
It's still hard to gauge now what she's really thinking. I want to believe she means it when she says she loves me, but if she's been saying it for a year without meaning it, and without me knowing it was a lie, then how can I trust now that she really means it.
It's also possible that everything is fine in our marriage now, and that when she did that, she was meerly still fighting with me from the argument the day before..but to say she hasn't loved me for a whole year...that's going a little far.. Just yesterday I found a beer bottle cap in her work pants(no i wasn't snooping, I was doing laundry and heard some change jingling in her pocket). That might not seem like a big issue in most circumstances, but a few days ago she called telling me she had to work late, and stayed there until 10pm. (she normally gets outta there around 6:30). I just can't get the thought out of my head about what that bottle cap was doing in her work pants. Also the day before yesterday she came home a little later than usual and had a T-shirt that she said she borrowed from a friend at work because she spilled mace on her work shirt. To tell the truth that doesn't seem like that big of an issue though because she does work at a prison..but I still have that lingering doubt because of the bottlecap..and then I add this shirt issue to that.
I don't know whether i'm crazy or paranoid, or maybe I just need to lay off and let her go? Nothing makes any sense anymore. My head is spinning ever since she told me that. I've been questioning everything she does (silently to myself) ever since then.
She still doesn't kiss me like she used to either, I'm starting to wonder if she ever will again. I wonder if there really is anything I can do to make our marriage right again. It was never the best marriage in the world, but it is the best thing I've ever had.
So here I am. Posting a message on a board asking you guys for advice. While I do realize that marriage has to be a conscious effort, what can I do if she's not willing to make that effort? Does she really want to make it work this time, or is she just stringing me along for another ride? This constant self doubt feels like it's killing me sometimes....well I'll just shush up now.
I'm a 24 y/o, male. I don't have a job and tend to be difficult to live with at times(apparently). My wife and I have been married for 6 years now. We've had many ups and downs and it's difficult to pinpoint if there was any 1 little thing that screwed up anything else in our marriage. We have 2 kids. The first is 5, and the second is 4. I have issues with them sometimes, but I'm not sure how relevent that would be to this post. As I already stated I'm unemployed, so she is the only one of us with a job right now. She is a 24 y/o female who works as an officer at a jail. Our multiple fights have led us to be rash at times at state that we were leaving before. I've done it, and she has done it. We've even taken off on each other for half a day or so before..sometimes when the fighting is really bad ya just need that kinda break ya know? anyway.... here about a month or so ago we had been fighting all day off and on. Then the next day she goes to work, and when she comes home she tells me that she thinks she doesn't love me..I was a little shocked, because normally when we have a bad day, the next day usually runs just fine and we tend to make up. I asked her why she felt that way, and she said that it had been coming for quite a while and that she was pretty sure she hadn't loved me for a long time. So I asked her how long it had been since she really loved me and she said maybe a year..I was pretty upset at this point. I felt like someone took my heart out of my chest tossed it into the air and hit it with a baseball bat. I didn't yell, or cuss though. I kept pretty decent control over my emotions. We talked for a long while that day and finally she agreed to give it another few months to see if it could really work out. What really bugged me about that situation was that when she told me we weren't actually getting into it with each other we were just talking rationally about some other things.
I don't think I'm taking advantage of her...yeah i should probably pick up more around the house, and i could probably try harder to make her love me..but it makes me angry to think that i should be the one to be making all the effort in our marriage. If she said that she wants to give it another few months, why isn't she trying to make me love her too?
I think I noticed slowly over time the way she stopped kissing me like she used to, how the sex slowly started to become somewhat routine, the way that she acted like loving me was more of an obligation to me rather than something she wanted to do....but I just kinda took these things to be the natural course of a marriage. I had heard how women will sometimes become much more colder to men as they grow accustomed to having them around so i thought that was all it was. I didn't really take it as a sign that she was unhappy with me.
It's still hard to gauge now what she's really thinking. I want to believe she means it when she says she loves me, but if she's been saying it for a year without meaning it, and without me knowing it was a lie, then how can I trust now that she really means it.
It's also possible that everything is fine in our marriage now, and that when she did that, she was meerly still fighting with me from the argument the day before..but to say she hasn't loved me for a whole year...that's going a little far.. Just yesterday I found a beer bottle cap in her work pants(no i wasn't snooping, I was doing laundry and heard some change jingling in her pocket). That might not seem like a big issue in most circumstances, but a few days ago she called telling me she had to work late, and stayed there until 10pm. (she normally gets outta there around 6:30). I just can't get the thought out of my head about what that bottle cap was doing in her work pants. Also the day before yesterday she came home a little later than usual and had a T-shirt that she said she borrowed from a friend at work because she spilled mace on her work shirt. To tell the truth that doesn't seem like that big of an issue though because she does work at a prison..but I still have that lingering doubt because of the bottlecap..and then I add this shirt issue to that.
I don't know whether i'm crazy or paranoid, or maybe I just need to lay off and let her go? Nothing makes any sense anymore. My head is spinning ever since she told me that. I've been questioning everything she does (silently to myself) ever since then.
She still doesn't kiss me like she used to either, I'm starting to wonder if she ever will again. I wonder if there really is anything I can do to make our marriage right again. It was never the best marriage in the world, but it is the best thing I've ever had.
So here I am. Posting a message on a board asking you guys for advice. While I do realize that marriage has to be a conscious effort, what can I do if she's not willing to make that effort? Does she really want to make it work this time, or is she just stringing me along for another ride? This constant self doubt feels like it's killing me sometimes....well I'll just shush up now.