I want to work things out!!!!!!!!!!!

[confused]

My wife and I have been married for about a year and a half. We have been together on and off for eight years and have two beautiful children together, 1,6yrs and the other, 8 months. We have had our share of ups and downs even before the marriage but they seem to hurt more after we got married, especially now. She says that she doesn't love me anymore and probably never will again. Some of ourproblems seem to be money and the problem I have with working too much and not "Shutting The Door Behind Me" when I come home from work. Others include me not taking her and the kids places when she wanted to. I guess that I am the cause of these problems but how can I show her that I CAN change and WILL change because She and the kids mean the world to me if she doesn't give ANOTHER chance? I want us to see a councilor but she doesn't want to tell a stranger our problems. Should I go on my own to show her that I want to change or is it too late for that? We are both still young, I'm 32 and she is 27. Can this be a problem too? Please help

[Suzie]

Dont give up my friend! I am having difficulties myself at the moment and I know it is hell!!! The thing that has helped me the most is by reading "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" book by John Gray. It is such a helpful, positive book and it gives you an amazing insight on how different men and woman are, once you have that insight you will be amazed at the difference! stay positive! keep calm and concentrate on what you need to do to change. GOOD LUCK.
Originally posted by confused:
My wife and I have been married for about a year and a half. We have been together on and off for eight years and have two beautiful children together, 1,6yrs and the other, 8 months. We have had our share of ups and downs even before the marriage but they seem to hurt more after we got married, especially now. She says that she doesn't love me anymore and probably never will again. Some of ourproblems seem to be money and the problem I have with working too much and not "Shutting The Door Behind Me" when I come home from work. Others include me not taking her and the kids places when she wanted to. I guess that I am the cause of these problems but how can I show her that I CAN change and WILL change because She and the kids mean the world to me if she doesn't give ANOTHER chance? I want us to see a councilor but she doesn't want to tell a stranger our problems. Should I go on my own to show her that I want to change or is it too late for that? We are both still young, I'm 32 and she is 27. Can this be a problem too? Please help

[locosurfer]

confused:

I know that you are really hurt right now and you feel intense emotional pain rushing through your body. Your wife and children are obviously important to you, but it seems like you have gotten the bulk of the blame in this situation. Even though you may have not been perfect, no one should feel unconfortable around the people they love the most. Although you may want to make some changes to help the situation, try to think about the parts of yourself that you enjoy and do not want to change. Try to focus on the good qualities that you have and the positive things that you contribute to the relationship. Obviously she has seen many positive things in you to start a family with you and marry you. Try to find good things in each other and build your relationship back with love and acceptance. As long as you both are willing to work together, you can find happiness in your decisions.

[This message has been edited by locosurfer (edited 02 July 2001).]

[confused]

My wife and I are seeking individual couceling at this time. Her therapist suggest, as well as mine, that we work on the things about ourselves that we would like to change first. I agree with this and hope and pray for the best for the family. I just hope that she maintains an open mind through out the sessions and when the time comes, we can sit down as a family with the councelors and come to a resolution (also suggested by her therapist). Her therapist asked her if she "honestly wanted a divorce right now" and she said that she did and I can understand that but still having trouble accepting it especially when we get along so good when we are at home together. One good thing is that we are working on our "money" problems together sitting down and figuring out the bills we have to pay first and so on.
But it almost seems that she is "faking" her niceness just so we don't become enemies and hate each other after a divorce. Maybe I'm reading into it too much. I am sort of an impatient and pushy person and this is one of the things I would like to change. Do you think I should just go with the flow and give it time? Or should I just start accepting the fact that we probably will get a divorce and that will be it?
I am still so confused and don't know what to do.

------------------

[Kate]

Dear Confused,

First of all, don't give up hope for your marriage!

Couples who live together a long time before they get married, do often experience problems in the first years of marriage. The dynamics and expectations are different in the two states, and people can get confused if married life doesn't live up to their expectations.

It's good that your wife has agreed to have counselling and it will take time to sort things through. By looking at what you would like to change in your self as the counsellor says you can straighten out some of the things you have the power to change (in your own behaviour) before trying to work on the marriage relationship.

You must feel very insecure and uncertain if your wife is still insisting she wants a divorce. You say that your wife seems to be faking her niceness. She could on the other hand be making a genuine effort to be positive and that is good. You would rather she was clearly in love and wanting to work for a reconciliation, but her behaviour now may be the best she can manage and a step along the way. There can seem a fine line between apparently faking pleasantness and making a decision to be pleasant in spite of how you are feeling.

It sounds from what you say that you've started the learning curve of learning patience, don't give up when it seems to get tough, because you may be just short of a breakthrough. If your wife sees you can really change and maintain that, she may be willing to try and work things out.

Hang on in there.

[confused]

Kate,
Thanks for your input on this. People like you help people like me keep our "head up". I just hope she CAN see that I can change and WILL change to make this marriage work. I just hear her talking to her friends and it sounds like she has given up all hope and effort to make it work. I can understand that she doesn't want to be in a marriage that is not satisfying and exciting but I'm learning too. We both want to do the same things and go the same places it's just a matter of comunicating so we know when is the right time. If it takes the THREAT of divorce to get me to see it, then give me another chance to make it right. Without that, ther last 8 years HAVE been a waste of time. I see a future together with her and the kids but I don't see one without them all together.