Mother is hurting relationship

[hubby]

My wife and I have been married for 9 years. My wife is 8 years older than I am and had two children already when we met. My mother had a problem with that and has never made my wife and step children feel very welcome, everyone gets along well but the feelings have never been there.
Without realizing that she is doing it she is hurting my marriage with her ways. I don't realize the impact until my wife tells me her feelings and by then its to late. This has happened time and time again throughout the years and is a major stumbling block in our marriage. So there is really two problems 1) I can't seem to forsee the problem my mother may cause until the damage is already done. 2) I don't know how to talk to my mother after something does happen. I have let this happen (which my wife has made me aware of time and time again) and need some advice on fixing it.

[Liz]

Hi Hubby,

I'm sure one of the most important things your wife needs to know is that you understand and support her. You're an item, a new family and your mum needs to recognise that.

How much have you talked to your wife about the problems? Can she explain to you how she feels with your mum around? Can she tell you what hurts at these times. I expect she may feel insecure and vulnerable at times with your mum. If you can find out what triggers this and what self doubts she has about herself, then you can build her up and encourage her, so that your mum's comments don't hurt so much. Are you getting skilled at sensing when your wife is upset or do you just slip back into being part of the family when you go home or meet your mum?

What does your wife expect of your mother? How does she want to be treated? I think half the problem is to really understand what is going on inside your wife at these times so you can help her.

Do you think your mum knows the effect that she is having? It may take a bit of careful handling, because if you challenge her and her behaviour she may end up very upset and hurt and make things even more tense.

We've just added a new resource to the site which is about in-law relationships (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffparenting/parentinlaw/). Although it's written from the parents point of view, it does contain some useful insights and highlights what some of the issues might be. Your mum is probably struggling with the fact that you married someone who was older and had her own children. It may not have been what she wanted for you. If you can stand together patiently eventually she will see how much you mean to each other and the value of your marriage.


Liz