Confused about Relationship

[ms fortune]

I have been married for 9 years and have suspected my husband of cheating in the past. I never confronted it because I was never sure. One day about 8 months ago he came and told me that he had been hanging out with another female, he says that they were just good friends and no sexual encounter occurred. I was happy that he told me but sad that he kept it from me for so long. I was upset because it was the same co-worker that I had suspicions about long ago, (he really lost alot of trust and respect from me at that moment).

We got on with our lives and everything was good, but over the past two months he has been conversing on the net (single status) with females and even given out his personal cell phone number, these numbers have come up and I have confronted him but he denies anything (I don't know who they are). It upsets me because he sits there with a straight face like he's innocent.

I really get frustrated when I suspect something and then his pattern changes. He may out the blue say I'm going to the gym; I'm like why? it;s 8 p.m. just stay home. (He goes anyway then comes home about 2 a.m. saying he's been hanging out with his friend " "). I realize how stupid this sounds as I am typing it out. You know it's hard to believe anything else when you really love and want to believe your mate.

I am pass the checking pockets, cell phones, e-mail stage, I've done it all and I've made myself sick over it, because he turns it all around stating that I'm putting too much on it, and trying to create problems and find stuff.

I'm at my ropes end, with one foot out the door; What can I do, I love him to death and he loves me but he must be missing something in his life to do the things that he does ..................

[Kate]

Hi there,

It's really debilitating and disturbing once you lose your trust for a loved one, especially your husband. I’ve been going through that with another family member recently. The issue of trust really needs to be sorted out between you. You might like to look at an article about it on the site here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/trust/). The trust is broken and you both need to work out what is needed to rebuild it together. For example, my husband and I work on the basis that if we can’t or don’t want to tell the other what we are doing, then we shouldn’t be doing it.

Do you spend a lot of time apart? Would it be possible to do more together - go down the gym with him? What would you like your husband to do to help you trust him again? Have you explained how you feel and what would help?

Lastly what do you think he is missing in life? Have you been able to ask him? How about some input into your marriage. There are resources here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) that might help.

All the best

Kate

[ms fortune]

My husband and I are together everyday, he rarely goes anywhere once I'm home, but he does seem to hook up with friends on the weekend, and that's where the problems arise, I have read several tex messages on his phone after he has gone out. "Had a good time", "Sorry we didn't get to hang out", "when are we going to hang out" "Miss you", etc. these are from other females. If confronted I'm doing too much, or trying to create a situation. He walks around the house with his cell phone on his hip even if he's only wearing underwear. And of course the phone is on silence. He says he just wants to wear it, how stupid. I don't go to the gym with him, he is a gym fanatic but I can't just unload the kids, he can have the gym. We go to the movies, we cuddle, we do get out but never to the club scene, rarley. It's like he leads another life underground and I'm not seeing that side of him.

Everytime I ask him about a number or something in his phone it turns into a very stressful situation and It's painful. I just don't know. He's not as smart as he thinks he is, it';s just I don't have the nerves to call one of the numbers in his phone and confront the other person, I feel that's not my place he needs to cut whatever it is short "friends, whatever, it's disrespectful to me". I feel it is his job not to put himself in any situations that can and has been causing problems in our relationship.

I don't know how many times I have expressed how I feel about everything that has taken place, it's like he hears me but his actions could care less. He even cancelled the two singles accounts that he had opened (for fun), but about a week after I watched him cancell those accounts I found a new subscription on his e-mail for a different singles classified company. I didn't even confront him about that because, I'm at that point where someone is going to walk out.

The worse is the text messaging and the phone log that I have reveived only on the weekends about 1 am- 2am- 3am times when he is out, these females actually on call his cell phone when he is out of the house as though they don't care what his story is all about. The one female I confronted him about he stated that she knows all about him, (I'm like she cannot know that you are married with kids and you live with your wife), no way, but brauds can be blinded and don't even care. This is the same girls that texted saying sorry we didn't get to hang out last weekend.

I really think that he is missing being the man, lots of females always gravitates to him, he's sexy and tall, and handsome a dream outside figure for anyone, but they don't know his insides like I do, my husband is hurting inside and he want even let me in, I suggested therapy a while back and he was like wer'e goinh to be okay, you'll see or I'll be okay. But there is something going on inside of him that I don't even think he knows how to control. He's like a jeckel and hyde and I am concerned about him and our relationship. I really do believe that he cannot love me any harder, but he is lacking something in his life and I cannot give it too him, because I don't know what it is. I've tried and tried and I'm failing.

[Unregistered]

I'm still here, any suggestions

[Jay Jay]

Men have this ability of shutting us women out when they are going through a tough time. The more your eager to help them the more they pull away. I wonder if he really is aware of the effect it is having on you.

Also, just a thought, why don't you invite him to go with you on the club scene. Be ready! and if he lets you down, go anyway with a friend maybe. If your presistant maybe he will start to take notice of you simply by your actions. I couldn't make any suggestions regarding the texts/other women phoning. If it was me I would get my facts together, confront him face on at a quiet moment and tell him I was not accepting it, on no condition, it stops now, or else. Not making an threat unless I could follow it up otherwise he won't take you seriously.

[Liz]

I think Kate was right to encourage you to focus on having as much time as possible together. There are things you can do for your marriage which are fun and not counselling like marriage enrichment weekends and courses (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/). Soemtimes ensurign that your relationship is strong and absorbign will counteract the temptations elsewhere. I know you say that it's up to him, but I would suggest that it's up to both of you and if you want your marriage, then fight for it.

Liz