annoying habits

[rvl]

My partner has an annoying habit that is beginning to have a negative effect on our relationship.

She constantly suggests what ought/ought not be done in any situation: when I'm driving, eating, choosing what to wear, planning my what I want to do in my spare time, etc.

She is also this way with my daughter and
others. Giving unsolicited advice and in general trying to regulate others affairs.

I let her know that it bothers me and yet she continues. Over time it has gotten so that I just respond to her promptings by ignoring her or answering in negative or sarcastic ways. This feeling has been growing into a kind of resentment or contempt that I don't want to gain a foothold in our relationship.

I'm sure this falls under some garden variety of marital difficulties. But any advice would be appreciated.

[r_brindley]

Hi there RVL,

I have read your post and my suggestion is that u firstly ask her in a polite way why she feels the need to do this.... listen very carfefully to her response.

then tell her that it is really casing you to have resentment for her and suggest that perhaps u both seek couple counselling to get some 3rd party neutral advice on the issues.

Another suggestion I have is looking up the Marital first Aid Kit in this site and looking at different issues and there suggested solutions and putting them into practice.

Hope this helps.

R.B.

[Kate]

The Marital First Aid Kit can be found here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/marfirstaid/).

I wonder why your wife behaves as she does? Is she the sort of person who feels insecure if everything isn't under control and organised? Perhaps she feels insecure and needs reassurance that she's valued. Often strong behaviour patterns like that are a cover to protect people from seeing the real self doubts underneath. Confronting the behaviour pattern won't necessarily work if the underlying issues remain.

One thing you can do to help your self is to examine the way you feel emotionally when it happens and what's behind those emotions. I guess one thing that you struggle with when this behaviour is going on is your need for autonomy, that is your need to be free to make decisions for yourself. Your need is not being met, so you have strong negative feelings. I find it helps me to understand my feelings and what's going on inside me, because then I can take responsibility for how I react, I'm free to choose how I behave towards my husband and in fact my need for autonomy is met in that way.

You may find thatcounselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) helps, but in fact enrichment programmes (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) may also help too, because the more you come to be open and trust and respect each other, the easier it is to handle these irritations. Rather than focusing on this particular "problem", they help you to focus on the terrific potential there is in your marriage and building on your strengths and understanding each other better.