Need some advice

[hurt&confused]

I need some advice. About 2 months ago, my husband discovered I was having not an affair exactly, but an inappropriate relationship with someone who works at the same place I do. There was never any physical contact, but needless to say, my husband was very hurt and angry. I have since broken contact with the other man. We work in very different areas so it's not hard not to see or talk to him. Since that time, my husband had to deal with a custody issue regarding his 2 children from a previous marriage. Because of this he confessed to me 3 weeks after he discovered my emotional affiar, that he had been having sex with his ex-wife practically during our whole relationship. He said it was just a few times back when he first moved in with me and then nothing until last fall when they had sex one more time. She has since moved out of state and the children live with us now. How do I get past the anger, the self-doubt, the hurt, the confusion. I get images of the two of them together and wonder, what was it about me that just wasn' t good enough? Was it really only those times? Would I be stupid to believe him? He swears that those were the only times. I want to belive him. Where do I go from here?

[nallie]

I can certainly understand why you are hurt anc confused. You were having an emotional affair and that could indicate you had some "need" that emotionally wasn't being filled, perhaps by your husband. Good for you for having the morals to keep it emotional and end it when you did.

I think however your husband feeling comfortable enough to tell you about his "physical" affair with his ex wife is a good sign that he doesn't want to lie to you. Still, I could not imagine sleeping with my ex even before I remarried, I could not imagine it ever. If she is gone from the area, that may be helpful, but I would want to try to understand why he felt the need to sleep with his ex, especially since he is in a relationship with you. I think you deserve to know why and why with his EX?

One interesting thing that I feel needs to be brought out, is ...he felt comfortable with telling you about his physical affair, after he learned of your emotional affair. It seems to me that perhaps he equated the two affairs to be similar in content.

Most women would agree a physical affair is more serious than an emotional one. I wonder if he views his physical affair as being no more of a "big deal" than your emotional one. If he feels that way, then it may help you with his perspective.

It sounds as though the lines of communication are open, which is good. The question is can you both learn to rely on each other for your physical & emotional needs rahter than an outside source. Best to you!

Nallie

[Kate]

Dear Hurt and Confused,

There are very strong bonds established when we marry and these are not easily or painlessly broken. Although divorce may seem easy to obtain, the reality of broken relationships are that they do not sever cleanly. Somehow, you will need to come to terms with the past relationships in each others lives and learn to live honestly and openly with each other.

It's not wrong or bad to have the feelings you are having - they arise because you ar feeling hurt and insecure. They give you clues as to what is going on inside you.

Now that your husband's ex-wife has moved away is a good time to make a fresh start. As the previous person posting said, the lines of communication are open. Keep them that way.

You might find the section of the site on Affairs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) helpful and the article on learning to trust again (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/). There are also some resources here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffsecond/) about how to face the challenges of marrying after a previous divorce or widowing, which you may find helpful.

I hope you can find ways to be honest and gentle with each other and find a way forward.

All the best

Kate