poor body image

[Unregistered]

I have been married for nearly 9 years,my body image has always been a bit low but now it is terrible. It began to get worse 18 months ago when i had my son. It was a difficult pregnancy which ended in an emergency c-section.I had trouble healing after my operation which made me feel 'dirty' in a way.I am quite a lot overweight and although i try to lose weight and i exercise regulary I am still very ashamed of my body.The last couple of months it has got worse, I no longer want my husband to touch me and when he does I freeze. I start thinking things like'how can he bear to look at me','he must think i am so ugly' etc. I even think he is laughing at me.Please help, i don't know what to do

from
Joanne Brown

[Kate]

Dear Joanne,

Do you think that you have the courage to tell your husband how you feel about yourself and how important it is that he loves you and finds you attractive. I know that is risky. You probably fear that he will confirm your low opinion of yourself, but surely he loves you for who you are as a whole person, not just because you look good.

Remember that you are surrounded by messages from the media that to be beautiful you have to be slim and fit, with perfect skin, and a body that heals well and is athletic. Unless you are able to be sexually athletic and accomplished you haven't arrived.

These are lies. The majority of us doesn't like something about the way we look, too big too small, our nose is too big, our breasts too small, our skin too greasy, hair on our legs too thick. Few of us have the figures of the film stars or the money to have the plastic surgery they indulge in. Yet we can still find happiness and acceptance in our relationships and come to terms with the way we are made.

To add to that having babies or surgery can seem like an invasion of our privacy and our person. It can seem like a loss of dignity. We want to push people away because we feel sore and vulnerable emotionally as well as physically. For some having a caesarian section can touch us deeply as if we have somehow failed as a woman. It's reflected in the language we use about not having the baby "naturally". Thank God for the technique that ensured your baby was born live and well and you came through it all.

You are a special attractive person, who needs reassurance that you are loveable and valued by your husband. Unless you dare to allow him to know your need for his love, he may not be able to guess what is wrong. Try and take the risk and trust in his love for you.

All the best

Kate :)

[Unregistered]

the guy from the other body image post again... erm i think Kate is exactly right here and i just wanted to elaborate a tiny bit from a guys perspective:

It is important to see that your husband isnt just 'any guy off the street' and that he is *more* likely to find you attractive because of the difficult times you have had recently, because the history here builds security and importance in his mind, it doesnt degrade it.

Men find courage a very admirable quality in a partner, especially during stressful times as these, and a little insecurity is also an asset as it brings out our 'protective' nature and makes us feel needed. Your husband is more likely to feel a need for these feelings of trust, comfort and solidarity over feelings of lust this far into your relationship. These feelings should be supported and you should let him be intimate with you still, as his affection can be based on these motives and not simply lust.

Regardless of this, your body image is likely far worse than the way HE sees you (which is surely more important), and you should not feel so bad about the way you look. If there is time remaining in your busy schedule after more important matters of comfort and security are sorted out, then why not try a little bit of step by step self improvement (small exercises, a healthier more balanced diet), as he is sure to be impressed by your efforts no matter how slowly or quickly your health improves.

I hope my perspective has helped. :)