verbal abuse

[stacyd]

Hi-
I have been at times verbally abusive to my girlfriend. I now feel like I can't control it. This problem has never been one I had in the past, or with any other issue besides her. I know it is never OK, but at the time it happens, I feel manipulated, confused, frusturated and angry. It seems obvious to me at times that she is completely out of line, but then will spin it to whatever she seems fit at the time. I get so angry and frusturated when I try to just explain my feelings first, but it doesn't get through to her. She will usually say she doesn't want to talk about it anymore, and go off to some party that she didn't invite me to. She won't answer her phone, and I'm stuck there confused, mad, and helpless. That is when it occurs. I will leave as many ****ty voicemails on her phone as I see fit. I can't help it. I regret it soon afterward, but the damage is already done. I honestly feel those things I say at the time. I sometimes don't even really want to take them back. I just wish I could let it go, and go on.
I have tried to correct this, but now feel I can't, and don't feel like she ever helps the situation, but actually does the opposite. I have decided I should probably walk away from the whole thing. I am calm and rational at first, but then I lose it. I don't think I can stop it.

[Unregistered]

Sound like she has got you running round in circles, and is manipliating you. Control your feelings, walk away, you will probably find somebody who treats you better, you dont need the hassle she is giving you. Think about yourself, life is too short to mess about with situations like that.

Good luck

[stacyd]

Thanks for the reply. Don't get me wrong, I have made mistakes, and the uncontrolled anger I feel at times has been destructive. I always calm down fairly quickly, and regret it. I appologize, but it is always too late. I don't feel guilty about the anger and confusion I feel, but the way I handle it is what I regret. I always try to justify it in typical fashion by saying"if you didn't do these painful, confusing things to me, it wouldn't happen. Why don't we talk about the reason I got so mad in the first place. I'm tired of talking about the way I reacted, let's talk about what made me react that way!"
She will tell me that it doesn't matter what she does, she doesn't deserve to be talked to that way. I agree, but then we can never get to the actual problem, only the way I reacted. It's so frusturating. She has basically made me feel like this is all I am about. Nevermind all the good or positive things. It just seems like she will always hold it over my head, and use it as an excuse whenever she wants.I just feel like if she would forgive me, I could learn to solve my temper problem. If she believed in me, and supported me, I could do it. Instead she is always doubting and criticizing. Am I looking at this all wrong. Is the verbal abuse to destructful to get past?

[Kate]

Hi there,

You ask if you are looking at things all wrong. I don't think you are totally. Your girlfriend doesn't seem to be helping matters. However may I share some insights into feelings.

Your feelings arise inside you because of who you are. One person might feel angry in a certain situation, while another would not have such strong feelings. Feelings arise within us in response to the events around us. They reveal what matters to us and whether our emotional needs are being met.

You say "I always try to justify it in typical fashion by saying: "if you didn't do these painful, confusing things to me, it wouldn't happen. Why don't we talk about the reason I got so mad in the first place. I'm tired of talking about the way I reacted, let's talk about what made me react that way!" To me that says, "You caused these feelings in me, it's your fault." Perhaps that's what you believe, but it's not easy for her to be anything but defensive, ie walking away.

It helps to own your feelings. They are yours and not her fault. Do you actually know what it is you are angry about. Do you judge you are not being loved, or respected, or valued, or that your self worth or autonomy are being attacked. These are some of the basic needs that you have and, when they are not being met, you will feel angry.

The best way I've found to share my feelings in a non-destructive way, is to start something like: "When that happens, I feel.......... I'm afraid that.......... I feel hurt and lonely...... I want to be close to you but don't know what to do. I feel powerless, lost.... I want you to / need you to show you value me/love me....." In doing this I don’t attack the other person. I simply share myself. You might like to look at the article here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/feelings/)

You can also choose how you handle your anger. (There's an article about that here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/anger/).) If you can't find ways to handle your anger then it would be best to go and get some anger management counselling, as it will always be a problem until you face it, whoever you have a relationship with.

If your girlfriend doesn't respond to your changing behaviour and really won't forgive you then you may have to accept that there isn't much future for you together, but I would say there is a lot that you can do before you reach that stage.

Best wishes

Kate