I need some advise

[Lost]

My wife wants to seperate and says she needs some time and space to figure out where we are. Although I thought I was being a good husband by helping with the kids and the house I was not taking care of her heart. I didn't open up to her about my feelings or ask her about hers. At this time her anger and resentment towards me are such that I don't dare talk to her about it. We have been to a counsler who told us that we should seperate and continue to work on things, that my wife needs time to heal and that sepration is not alaways a bad thing. I am so afraid of the scars it will leave on my son. I think if she could find a way to forgive me, her heart could start to open and she would see how commited I am to being there for her. I have been reading and studying everything I can find to improve my communication skills. Is seperating the only way I can get her to start to heal?

[Kate]

Dear Lost,

No, perhaps it's not the only way, but it's the way your wife wants and what she perhaps needs at this time.

Are you planning on fixing a length of time for it? Have you set in place some ways to work on things together, like counselling or regular meetings? It doesn't seem unreasonable to set some boundaries, not to hem her in, but so you both know where you stand.

Depending on how old your son is, then you can explain to him together that Mum and Dad are having a bit of space for a while from each other, but that you both love him very much. Make sure you agree how often you are going to see him. The important thing is to sort out your differences and find a way forward then your son will have the stability of a loving home with mum and dad there for the future.

It is important that you let your wife know that you are very sorry for hurting her and that you really want to put things right. Ask her to forgive you, acknowledge that it may take time, but that you are willing to give her that time because you love her and want to move forward together. You might also ask her to tell you what she needs from you and show her that you're listening and trying to understand.

It will be very scary letting her go, if that's what she really wants. Have you read some of the articles in the Communication section (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffcommun/)? They might give you some tips at this time.

[lost]

Kate: I have moved to an apartment close to our home. I took your advise and the advise of our marriage counsler. I felt that if this is the only way we are going to be able to work things out, the sooner I got out the sooner she may be able to begin healing from the hurt I caused. How do I know how much time and space is enough without pushing her farther away. If I ask her she will say "I don't know" and I could understand why that would more than likely be what she would say. I truely love her more than anything in the world. And there is nothing more important to me than showing her how much I Love her and care about her. Thank you for your help

[Kate]

It is difficult, but I assume you're going on working with the counsellor. He/she will guide you and you can show your love by listening to your wife and trying to understand her, and not pressing her while making your commitment to her and the marriage clear. It's not going to be possible to predict how long the healing will take, but surely the patience needed and the wait will be worth it. Try to see that patience as a gift you can give her and an investment in your future together.

[lost]

Kate: I have been out of our home for over a week. I have told my wife that i would trust her feelings that this is what she needs for herslf and for us and that I would give her the time that she has asked for because I love her. We have seen each other everyday because of sports activities with the children, and the time together seems almost normal except for the fact that we don't touch each other(I normally come up and rub her shoulders during games), and we don't talk about our relationship. Is it to soon for me to tell her how much I miss her. Is it to soon for me to give her a music tape of songs that are special, or give her a card. Thanks again for your help.

[Kate]

Dear Lost,

I don't think I can really advise you on this at such a distance. I can understand how difficult it must be for you to know when to reach out and when to hold back. If your wife missed the special touches when you were together then it might be worth sending or giving her something, but keep it simple and don't overwhelm her. It will be hard not to be watching for encouraging signals in her response to any card or gift, so if you go ahead then try and give whatever it is without strings attached and don't try and read lots into her response. Give to bless her not to evoke a response. I would suggest you feel your way forward slowly and try to be sensitive to where she is.

best wishes

Kate