help and advice

[Unregistered]

my wife and i have been married 24yrs, we are both aged45. we have 3 children aged 17,16,and14.
over the years there has been problems that would have stretched any relationship. these have been related to abuse etc my wife suffered as a young woman and not related to me.
i have supported her throughout the strained relationship.
over more recent years i have closed my emotions and come to resent the relationship. this has led to problems both within the normal relationship and sexually.
both of us as far as i am aware have been faithful throughout.
however very recently we both met people although these have not been taken further. my wife broke her friendship and has come out the other side more settled and happier than she has ever been in the past. this led to her wanting a closer and more intimate relationship. i however, having been just getting on with it found this to be frightening. i felt resentment and did not want to be with her, knowing that i had hid these feelings within myself for many years. then i met this woman who liked me for who i was, was happy and made me feel happy. i fell in love, but was unable to pursue the relationship with this woman due to other matters.
this rocked me as suddenly i was open to all these emotions that had been hidden for so many years.
4 weeks ago i told my wife that i did not think i loved her anymore, as you can imagine this has caused so much upset. i have moved out to my sisters with an aim to try and sort my head out. i have been in contact constantly throughout this period.
i feel much happier that it is all out in the open now, and feel when i am away that i have made the right decision. However my wife is constantly pleading for another chance, for the sake of the children and that she is a different person now and that we have a future together. the children just think i am working away, so they are unaware of the problems, as we have always kept them well hidden.
i know this will cause an awful amount of upset if i go through this seperation,as not only will i be leaving but their home would also have to be sold.
but i was so unhappy leading up to the end. i dont know if i can return. i am more at peace with myself now, but am concerned that i am making the biggest mistake of my life. our relationship is like that of extremely good friends, we do not argue or anything like that. i do not want to waste any more of my life if the relationship is over, but i also dont want to leave the relationship if i am going through the so called mid life crisis or whatever.
if anyone has any advice i would be very grateful

[Kate]

Hi there,


I can imagine that you have been holding in all sorts of pain over the years and now things have happened which have brought this to the surface. It must have been and still be horrendous for you. The fact that you are now facing this pain doesn’t mean that your marriage is over, it simply means that the pain will have to be faced.

Have you considered getting some counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) to come to terms with the pain and hurt from the past and to allow yourself to forgive your wife? Forgiveness and healing within you may lead you to want to make your marriage work, or it may not. I believe that the issue that needs addressing first is sorting out your hurt. Only when you have done that will you have the clarity and wisdom to know what you want for the future and for your family.

I don’t believe that your wife has deliberately hurt you over the years. If she has been dealing with past abuse, she will have been going through hell and probably not able to avoid hurting those around her. Abuse is horrendously damaging. I understand that you have been hurt as a result of it too as the ripples spread out from the original events, but your wife doesn’t need further rejection. She needs her husband to be able to love and accept her if at all possible.

Please seek help for yourself before you make any long term decision.

Wishing you the courage and wisdom you need at this time

Kate

[Unregistered]

thank you for your advice i may take it up, at first i think i need to get over the female first before i can deal with the marrital matters. i have agreed to go out with my wife on dates to see how we get on- hopefully this will allow the space and time to try and start again. thanks

[Unregistered]

i have now moved back in at my wifes request, but i am still not sure its what i want !

i still feel for this other female and wish i was with her and not my wife.

my wife is trying hard but i just seem to block her out !

i have told her only time will tell if things will get better !!

am i right in moving back when i feel like this ??

the whole families future lies with me and i do not know what to do, or if i want it to work ??

help !

[Kate]

Hello again,

Your problems are not just going to go away. They do need to be faced. Have you considered counselling as I suggested to help you face your own pain and find a way to forgive (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/forgive/) your wife. The pain that you have experienced is probably very deep seated.

I expect that the other woman in your life seems to offer the care and love that you think has been lacking in your marriage so far. In the end it probably comes down to whether you really meant that commitment you gave when you married and whether you have the courage to believe there is hope for your marriage.

Feelings (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/feelings/) are windows on your emotional needs and not very good guides for making life decisions on. If I only show love to my children when they are being pleasant and doing what I approve of then there are times when our home would be a pretty miserable place. We are quite prepared to go on loving our children and doing the best for them even when they hurt us. It's that kind of unconditional love (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/loveis/) that your wife and your marriage needs right now. It probably seems like your being asked to give again, but that is the route to healthy and happy relationships and there are no short cuts for any of us. And your wife is trying to sort things out.

Finally is life about what we want or are there some decisions we make because we believe that what we are doing is right? That comes down to ethics and what we believe deep inside. Do we believe that life is about us being happy or us bringing happiness and hope to others? Do we believe that we have a responsibility for t he consequences of our actions?

There are some difficult decisions ahead - why not seek the help and healing you need so you can make a decision that you can live with in the future?

Kate