I want a child

[Unregistered]

I met my husband 6 years ago and we have been married for one year. I am 33 years old and feel I would love to have a child. The problem is that my husband does not want children and has always said he is not interested in having children. I really ignored this throughout our relationship and thought that one day he would come round to the idea of having a child. Things are really starting to worry me as I really do feel I am at a time in my life that I want a baby. When I approach this with my husband he gets really cross and does not want to talk about it. What can I do, I am worried that I will have to make a choice

[sherry]

Hi, I completely understand your point of view as I myself would desperately love more children, I have a 6 year old son, I am not really sure what to say other than be true to yourself, If you really want children then I am afraid that I think if you dont because your partner doesnt want to you will end up resenting him or even worse hating him, I know that you must really love him otherwise you wouldnt even consider having children with him but as you said you feel like you are having to make a choice.

Just remember you only live once and I dont want you to make any decisions that you will regret in years to come.

I am sorry if I have not been much use but at the end of the day its up to you and how badly you want children. I dont believe that you should try to change his mind but do you know why he doesnt want children? maybe there is an underlying reason which you could help him with.

Take care and best wishes.

Sherry

[Kate]

I think Sherry is right to encourage you to try and discover more about why your husband doesn't want children. Do you think you could find some way to enable him to talk about his feelings and judgements about children? Perhaps you could tell him that you are struggling but woudl really like to udnerstand where he is comign from. One way woudl be to both write down your thoughts and feelings about some questions like "How do I feel at the thought of being a parent? Do I think I would make a good one?" "How do I feel when we are with children." "Did I enjoy being a child myself?""What would be good about having a family and what would be difficult?" "What would we gain and what would we have to give up if we started a family?" "How would I feel if I found out I was infertile?"

Despite what Sherry says, I actually believe that your relationship with your husband should be the most important one in your life. You chose not to address this problem before you married - even though your husband seems to have made it clear he didn't want children. Yes it's painful and yes you need to understand where each other is coming from, but I would encourage you to use this as an opportunity to get to know your husband better and to understand him, not to try to change him. If you do that you are communicating to him that you don't love him but a pciture you have of him which is not the reality. At the same time sharing with him how deeply you long for a child gives him the opportunity to get to know you better and the maternal tenderness which is part of who you are.

It may be that when you have both been able to talk there may be some hope of having children, but what is most important is that you understand and accept each other with love.

I do wish you well in a very painful and difficult situation.

Kate

[Unregistered]

Thanks Kate for your advice, its great to hear someone elses views on such a difficult situation. There are some underlying problems with my husband's childhood. He had a very emotional childhood with his parents going through a bitter divorce, and his memories of being a child he says are very sad. I on the other hand had a very loving childhood and are very close to my parents. I do feel this has much to do with my husbands attitudes about children, he does not see any joy in children and says that children just get hurt. We had a good chat yesterday about the situation and my husband said that he is at a time in his life where he is not ready to have children but may in the future will be ready. I felt better when he said this but still worry that may be in 5 years time he still is not ready!!!! We do really love each other and I believe like you say that is really important and that I do not want to change him for the world, he is a very caring, loving and honest man, and you dont get many of them, so I am very lucky to have met him.

Thanks again.