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Brneyes810@aol.com
23rd June 2001, 08:03 AM
My husband and I agreed to seperate 3weeks ago because of problems we were having in our marriaage. He left on a Sunday morning, and that night I found out he is having an affair with his co-worker, who I happen to know. I confronted him and he did not deny it. I went into depression during the winter and wasn't sure if I was still in love with him or not. We had lost communication. Since its been 3 weeks, I realize Ido love him, and I have since told him everything I was feeling. We also have a little boy involved, and this has been hard on him. He says he does not want a divorve, but told me he loves me, but is not in love with me. How do I re-kindle the spark.

Kate
25th June 2001, 01:05 PM
It's good to acknowledeg that things change in marriage. It's not possible to maintain the "romance" all the time, and most relationships go through a stage of disillussionment when the couple face up to disappointed expectattions and the reality of who they are. But that doesn't have to be the end. Marriages are best founded on love which can endure the difficult times, times when we may not feel loving or happy. This love can carry us through to a deeper stronger relationship. There is a whole area on disillusionment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/) on the site.

You have the added complication of an affair (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/). There will be a need for forgiveness and the building of trust again. Strong communication (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthcomm/) and openness are also important.

If you think that there are deep problems to sort out then try going together to see a counsellor (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/). If you see the issue as having lost the sparkle and needing to strengthen your communication then why not try an enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/).

BrnEyes
30th June 2001, 07:03 AM
Dear Kate,

Thanks for answering. I miss him so much that it hurts more than anyone knows. He is still with her but I don't know what is going to happen. She has 2 kids ages 16 and 9, so its hard her part. How do I know if things will work out or not. I can't talk to him anymore about working things out because it only hurts. Do you think he'll come back? It's almost a month. I am not going to discuss anything anymore with him. He sees are son 1 night during the week and one day on weekends. When I told him he had to come up early because I was going out, he gave me a puzzled look. And when I was doing something in the kitchen, he kep looking in the window staring at me from the deck. I need to get on with my life but I don't want to live on false hope. Haas this ever happended to you or do you know anyone who this has happened to. Thanks for the advice and for listening.
It's good to acknowledeg that things change in marriage. It's not possible to maintain the "romance" all the time, and most relationships go through a stage of disillussionment when the couple face up to disappointed expectattions and the reality of who they are. But that doesn't have to be the end. Marriages are best founded on love which can endure the difficult times, times when we may not feel loving or happy. This love can carry us through to a deeper stronger relationship. There is a whole area on disillusionment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/) on the site.

You have the added complication of an affair (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/). There will be a need for forgiveness and the building of trust again. Strong communication (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthcomm/) and openness are also important.

If you think that there are deep problems to sort out then try going together to see a counsellor (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/). If you see the issue as having lost the sparkle and needing to strengthen your communication then why not try an enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/).[/QUOTE]

Kate
1st July 2001, 03:11 AM
Dear BrnEyes,

It is very common for marriages to run into problems, and very easy for one party to think they've found something they're missing by starting a new relationship. It must be very hard for you to know how to respond to him and very painful that he's with another woman. Have you asked him if he will go and have some counselling with you? There are times to give a husband or wife space when things are difficult, but don't hide from communication just because it's painful. I know it's hard, but you need to keep the communication between you open and let him know you love him and you are committed to your marriage. Don't assume he knows.

There is no reason why you cannot rebuild your marriage together, but it needs both of you to want that. Marriages have been rebuilt after even lengthy affairs, but that doesn't always happen. If he won't come for help, you can seek help yourself. You should certainly take care of yourself and watch out that depression doesn't set in. If necessary, go and talk to your doctor.

All the best

Kate