Wife has left me - need help!

[Unregistered]

Where do I start, married 4 years, together 7 years

Up until 6 weeks ago I thought that my marriage was strong and happy. My wife and I had made major plans to emmigrate to Australia and we had found a buyer for our house. I was expecting to quit work at the end of August and was looking forward to a more fulfilling life in the sunshine. We had visited Australia back in April this year and had chosen where we wanted our house built, we even had names for our dogs and kids. We have a great social life and have two or three holidays a year.

About a week leading up to my wifes departure I had noticed that her mood had become very sullen but I put this down to pressures of the move and work in general (we both work full time and her job can be fairly stressful). This came a full week after her 30th birthday when we had gone down to the west country with a group of friends and she had a brilliant time.

The week after this I decided I had to confront her and ask her what the problem was, but she managed to broach the subject before me. She said she was unhappy and didn't think she loved me anymore, that she was unhappy with the way I talked to her (sarcastic and angry) that the spark had gone from our lives, that our sex life was poor (which it was) and that she needed some space.

To say I was devastated was an understatement, I honestly did not have a clue. Although in the last 18 months we had about 3 or 4, 20 minute chats where she said she was unhappy but again I put this down to other things, and I always tried to make more effort. She had also been going to councelling on her own regarding some issues she had with a violent sister when she was growing up.

Since this has happended (5 weeks ago) we have been going to relate councelling and I have taken a good hard look at myself and our realtionship. I have been to my doctors and been told I am suffering from mild chronic depression and anixety. Symptoms of this can be irritability, loss of motivation, loss of libido, inability to make decisions, all of these I have suffered with in the last two years. I knew there was something not quite right but always felt embarrased about going to the doctors about something like this. I am not taking any medication (didn't want any) but I have started to try and motivate myself by keeping fit and generally being more active. I have also read lots of self help books and guidance on relationships. I know that the way I have been acting is down to this and I have told my wife that I am taking steps to change things and I know that our marriage can be stronger. It has made me look at out relationship in a whole new light.

I have decided to give her time and space and have now even stopped calling her (as I was on a daily basis). She has said that she feels a lot of hurt and resentment about the way I've treated her although these incidents were spaced out over a long period of time and were certainly not on a daily or even weekly basis.

The councelling seems to be going failry ok (3 sessions in) and sometimes I get good vibes from her and other times I don't.
I have told her I love her and would do anything for her and even empathize with her reasoning, but she can't come out and say that we will definately get back together.
I have had to take our property off the market as I was worried that I would be homeless (or living in someones spare room) and told her I was doing it for us. She has now moved out of her friends and is living in a house share with 2 strangers

Is there anything more I can do? The ball seems to be firmly in her court. Is it better to give her space or should I try and keep more contact with her? How long do you think it will take for us to get back to normal?

Personally I think we have the foundations for a very strong and loving marriage after this, if she can only forgive me and accept that I am willing to work on the things she has mentioned.

I love amd miss her so much but I'm scared of driving her further away.

[Kate]

Hi there

Thank you for sharing your story. You are certainly trying to do all the right things, by seeking help for yourself and for the relationship. I don't think anyone can tell you how much time it will take to sort things out with your wife, as each situation is different. The challenge seems to be to get the balance between giving her space and ensuring she knows that you care and are committed to her.

It is importnant for her to know and experince the love you have for her. You probably know best how to do that. How does she experience being loved - is it what you do, what you say, small surprise gifts, your attentiveness when you are together?

Hang on in there and be patient and loving. The ball may be in her court, but you can still be and act lovingly and considerately towards her at every opportunity.

Best wishes

Kate

[Unregistered]

Just to update you,

My wife and I have carried on going to RELATE but yesterday I got a txt message saying she did not want to go to todays session and could I go on my own! I sent a message back saying what was the point of me going on my own and could she please try to make it. She sent another txt this morning saying she would come but actually got stuck in traffic so we never made it.
We ended up having a chat anyway (in our marital home that she is no longer living in). I tried to tell her that we should give it another chance, that we shouldn't throw away 4 years of marriage (its our 4th anniversary on Thursday), and that our marriage can be stronger after this. Unfortunately she is having trouble believing this and can only think that it will all end in tears again. She says that she feels it is over but has not indicated any path that we should take ("D" word never mentioned). She says she cares for me but does not love me and I said that we can rekindle our love if she just gives it a chance. She gets very upset (crying) just talking about things and I am concerned that she is not in the correct frame of mind to make such a huge life decision.
Due to her mum living in the southern hemisphere and her dad working away, she has a very small support network and I am worried that she has not reflected on the situation objectively enough and thought of the consequences of where this will lead us.
I have spoken to both of my inlaws (who inturn are divorced!) and they say that they feel for my situation and hope we can resolve it, but at the end of the day they just want whats best for their daughter.

Am I just trying to kid myself that there is still hope? Should I carry on doing what I'm doing (being positive about the outcome), or should I just concede defeat and get on with my life?
It has now been 8 weeks since she left me.

Advice very much welcome (especially from people who have been married less than 4 years with no kids)

[Ricardo]

I was so sorry to read you message posted here. It was just aftr I had replied to Kate with my own scenario.

I pray for you that somehow your wife can understand that you, like me, are poor mortal men that do not realise a situation and problem is upon us until it has happened.

It will be a long hard struggle. But I hope you are given the opportunity of putting your point of view across to you wife and she has the fortitude and willingless to accept that you are doing all you can to rectify matters. I think she owes it to you as the alternatives are difficult to comprehend. I believe that a marriage may be over if both parties have done their upmost to put right the problems that exist and still they cannot reach a happy agreement. It doesn't seem to me that you have reached that stage and I pray that your wife still has an open mind to accept that you are doing all you can to rectify matters.

All the very best,
Ricardo

[hippiechick]

sorrry you are having a bad time of it
it sounds as though your wife is very confused and unsettled at the moment.
Perhaps she is anxious at the prospect of moving to australia, any move is bound to be unnerving even if it is for the better. Plus you are both bound to be stressed out and perhaps not paying each other enough attention.
If she is going through counselling then probably it is bringing up all sorts of worries as she examines her experiences.
perhaps even though your main concern is obviously the marriage you could reassure her of your love for her by simply listening to her feelings in general rather than on the marriage itself
my friend gave me some advice as i am in the same boat i.e. my husband recently moved out which is-
Look after yourself and get some sleep make sure your home is nice when she calls round then she can see that there is something worthwhile to come back to
Keep up with your own interests and hobbies
Yes it is bloody difficult to do this but try
good luck

[Unregistered]

Well no improvement in things, quite the opposite.
We had a Relate session yesterday and we both new the topic was going to be, "where do we want to take things from here".
My wife (still very emotional and constantly crying) says she does not want to be married to me anymore, although she has still yet to mention "divorce".
Not a lot I can do now. I'm partially resigned to the fact that it is over but I will still do anything I can to save things. As I said before I still love her, although I can't say I like her very much at the moment. Im reading "Divorce Busting" at the moment and will let you know if that is any help, but it seems such a struggle when there is only one person who wants to save the relationship and the other is adamant it is over.
In my own mind it's not over until I have that piece of paper in my hands that confirms we are divorced. Maybe the harsh reality of going down this road will give her second thoughts (dividing up our stuff etc), then again maybe I'm just trying to kid myself.
I am very annoyed that my wife does not want to give it another chance and it seems that her mind was made up from the day she walked out.
I reiterated to her that I am not going to lift a finger in helping her with this process, she will have to put the wheels in motion herself.
So there is a glimmer of hope (theres always hope) left ,but it is gradually starting to fade away.

[Unregistered]

Well its been 3 months now and my wifes view does not seem to have changed one bit.

We have still yet to talk of divorce, but I think that it is inevitable.

I have been reading "Divorce Busting" which has given some insights but doesn't offer a great deal of advcie for someone in my situation (who's wife has already left).
The only piece of information I took on board was this 180 method. Basically do the opposite of what you had been doing.
So as I had been initiating contact all the time I decided not to contact her and haven't spoken to her for 2.5 weeks. Im not sure if this is doing anything though and the urge to phone her is killing me. Im worried she now thinks I have adjusted to the situation (but I have not)
I had tried other methods before this, sent her an
e-mail and a letter but she still does not seem to have melted.
I am pinning all my hopes on the fact that once she starts to try and move on (she wants to go back to her mum in Australia) and we have to split up all our possesions that she may have a change of heart.

Am I really trying to kid myself ? I feel that I should not give up, and only when I have the divorce papers in my hand that it is really over. I have done lots of things to change so theres not much more I can do in that respect. Compared to some of the notes posted on here our marriage looks positively blissful but unfortunately my wife would rather have an uncertain future than a future with me.

I still love her very much and would do anything to get her back

Can anyone offer any last ditch attempt advice?

[Ricardo]

I am further down the line than you although our circumstances have been very similar. When one person thinks the marriage is over, then there is not a fat lot you can do.
The sadness is that you seem to be doing all you can and your wife appears to be doing little or nothing. It has taken me a long time to realise that it takes two to make a go of things and one party to a marriage can fly away for even the smallest of reasons that are totally incomprehensible to you ( or me).
I have been through 2 years of trying to analyse why. It has actually helped me to try and understand but it doesn't lessen the grief and heartache.
What were the circumstance of her parents split up? How did it affect her. Are there some deep underlying reasons not caused by you but in her own mind that believes that separation and divorce are a better choice than marriage. If it didn't work for her parents and the ensuing upsets were at a critical age for her, what effect does that have for you both?

I am no philosopher ( cannot even spell the word) but I was stunned and mortified myself - but in the end I am just about accepting that in hindsight, because of all that went on in my own wife's life - and who I still love dearly from afar - there was little chance of long term commitment because she couldn't understand the meaning of the phrase. I write not in anger but in realisation. But that is my story and I hope that in your case I am totally wrong.
I wish you both all the very best and hope that matters can be resolved for you to start again to be happily together.
Ricardo.

[monkeynoodle]

I have randomly found this thread, whilst searching on google. your situation is identical to mine! I am just dying to know if you guys managed to sort things out...

[Ricardo]

Its almost a year since I last entered this web site so it was a bit of a shock to get an email from someone on this site. It is also ironice on a Sunday lunchtime that I am sitting at my compute!

Wrong answer I'm afraid... but no "us guys" never did get it back together again. My ex wife (eventually last year) made the decision never to contact me - or indeed any of our mutual friends- and has been true to her word. This was probably 4 years ago now and apart from the most acrimonious divorce and one meeting in Court, I am sure she will keep to her word. I suppose it is her way of facing upto life - personally I think misguided but if it works for her...

All the catch phrases of moving on; better opportunities and so on have been pretty empty but they are probably epitomise the right course of action. I view the mental state of divorce as an physical illness. In time it will get better naturally. the younger or fitter one is, probably the less time. Anyone that can jump into another relationship within 6 months either was having that affair whilst they waere married; is incredibly naive or probably very shallow and didn'r value the married relationship anyhow,

From my point of view, I have justified to myself that life is better without her (and it probably is bearing mind what I know now about the levels to which she could stoop) but at night sometimes I might wake with a cold sweat even now.

My experience has taught me that there are very few people in this World you can really trust and that includes one's own wife - let alone other peoples' wives!

Life is pretty good now - lots of work and lots of sport and lots of travel. No ties and no responsibilities! Its just a different sort of life.

I wish you all the best and an amased that after 2/3 years, someone is still reading my old story, and one story still seems to be going on and on!


Ricardo
PS Hope Kate is still there. She was a great help.

[Desperate]

Hells teeth!!! The postings in this thread share so many similarities with my story. Haven't heard a sausage from my wife in 2 months now. I was making it through each day but something has gone horribly wrong over the past week or so. I've hit incredible lows and chronic depression and can't stop thinking about the hows and whys of why she left for another married man. I really thought I was getting thorugh this - it's been 8 months sine I discovered her affair and 8 months since she move out.

I went to a good friends wedding this weekend gone. Sitting in the church, watching and listening to them say their vows really hit me hard. I can't explain the feelings. Sure I was pleased for them but I really saw the entire concept as a farse. It made me feel physically sick - truth! But it was more than that. I spent the entire time thinking about my wife, when we got married, our lives together and then - what she had done and how she had treated me. Got to be honest, I just wanted to walk out of their and jump of a cliff. I felt empty and without purpose. Full of bitterness and so much sadness.

I'd really appreciate some of your feedback on how the healing process happened for you. How long did it really take before you had no feelings of hurt, when you had a decent nights sleep without being plagued by vivid dreams of your wife etc.

Why has this all come back so strongly? I haven't slept in 5 days and I am now a walking Zombie.

[danman]

I wonder if it's possible to rekindle this thread? I just happened across this as I'm going through a separation and this thread caught my eye due to many similarities in my marriage.

Unregistered, if you're still active on here or still read this then can you let us know how you are now and how you have moved on? It's been a good few years by the looks of things.

Hope you are well.