why am I having this affair

[Unregistered]

I need to know what is wrong with me??? I have a husband who loves me. Still I decided to start having an affair about 6months ago. The man I am seeing is also married. At the start he said he was not happy in his marriage. Now I don't know if I believe that. I am so torn up inside...it is making me sick. All I think about is what my lover is doing. I can't even cope with everyday situations. It's awful. I just can't get it off my mind. My husband has no idea. He just knows I am distant. I feel bad for how I am treating him. I just feel out of control. One minute I think I'm fine the next I'm in tears. why would anyone put themselves through this? My husband cheated once many years ago. After I found out (he told me when I asked) I just let it go and never brought it up again. Maybe I held my feelings for so many years and this is my way of lashing out...I don't know. The worst part is my obession with the man I'm seeing. I feel out of control. Maybe if I could just see him with his wife maybe then I could realize what his real life is like and maybe I could let it go. I am so very confused. I know what I did was stupid but it's done now....but what do I do now?

[Kate]

There is a simple answer and that is stop seeing this other man and resolve to decide to love and care for your husband each day. You must be able to see from these pages the heartache that affairs cause. In fact you must remember some of the pain that you went through. Get yourself away from temptation as soon as possible and remind yourself that the grass always seems greener on the otherside, but it rarely is!

You use the word obsession and that is what it is, not real love and commitment. The attraction probably comes from the danger, the excitement, the thrill of it all.

Turn your back on it all and walk away from this other man. It will take will power, but it can be done. Even when we feel confused we can choose the right course of action and follow it. The feelings will sort themselves out when you are acting according to the values that matter to you, which I hear through your words to be commitment and faithfulness and a desire not to hurt others.

If you think that you haven't really forgiven your husband from the past, then you could seek help to do that. There are a number of articles on forgiveness (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/forgive/) on the site here which you could read.

All the best

Kate

[Unregistered]

I can be strong and stay away for awhile...then I just can't. For some reason I need the attention he gives me, I feel a need to be there for him. What is it that I am missing that makes me keep going back to him? I get so hurt every time he tells me what his plans are with his "wife". Yet I always go back. He has no idea of how I struggle. I guess I am always hoping for more...hoping he will need me like I need him.

[stunned-dad]

An affair is an addiction often beyond reality. This other man can give you his full attention for the brief moments you two can be together or talk on the phone.

He doesn't have to deal with the laundry or getting the kids to choir practice. He is not there when you burn dinner. He doesn't come home after a bad day. He doesn't clutter up the house nor smell up the bathroom just as you are going to brush your teeth....

IN OTHER WORDS he is not real. Not real in the true sense of being a full person in a full relatonship with all its bad moments. So in this fantasy setting he is PERFECT.

Let me tell you something I have experienced first hand. My wife was sexually abused in her youth. She hid this from everyone including me for over 20 years.

Then a long term friend who also happen to be a player/sexual predator supposedly befriended her. At first he made her feel needed as someone to talk to but then he pressured for month after month until she got drawn into an affair. Like you she had a loveing husband and did not know why she had an affair.

Like you several times she tried to end things but would wind up being drawned back in.

Affairs are addictioning to those involved.

Unfortunately for women there are plenty of men that never grew up from those high school days of playing games to get what they want.

I bet he told you how special you are. And how you understood him better than his wife. In short in the begginning he told you what he thought you wanted to hear.

Now that he has you he tells you how it really is. He never planned on leaving her.....but of course to keep you he tells you he loves you and how he can't go on without you.

And I bet he tells you "nobody is getting hurt because nobody knows about it."

If I am correct then you have been played.

Please read any of the top sellers on affairs. Pay close attention to the devastation it will cause you spouse once things are found out.

Pay close attention to how misleading affairs are to women involved and how they are not reality. You are not sharing closeness and intimacy you are sharing a dark secret that deep down bothers your conscience.

[Unregistered]

What you said is so true. I'm only important when he needs me. Otherwise I'm not worth the bother. But why don't I let it go?? What am I missing that I need this? Sometimes I just wish I could make him love me enough.....enough so that he would want me in his life. Why am I so hung up on this? I never meant to fall in love with him but I have. I wonder if his wife has any idea? I wonder why he even keeps me in his life? I think about this all the time. When he is ignoring me I feel I get stronger and maybe I can end it. but then he calls and says everything I want to hear. What do I do???? It is ruining my life. This is my only place to say what I feel. I appreciate any suggestions. This has gone on for 10 months now. I need help

[Unregistered]

I'm having a terrible day!!!!!!!!!! I haven't heard from him for days. who know why. There is nothing I can do. It occupies my every thought. I'm sure he's just busy with his "real life". Why do I go through this?

[Kate]

Hi there,

Is this the crunch for you? I wonder if you have heard from him since you last posted. How are you feeling at the moment?

What is it that keeps you in this relationship? Your marriage can give you everything that you need. Is it really the end of the world if this illicit relationship were to end? Are you willing to face up to what is needed to out an end to it?

I suspect that before long you may no longer have a choice. You can either walk away from him now, get your head and your heart sorted out and get on with your marriage OR wait until he finally gets tired of you and drops you. Which would you rather have happen? Would you rather choose for yourself and decide to put your husband first or face the rejection which it appears from your last email, that you are heading towards?

Let us know how you are getting on and how you are feeling.

Kate

[Unregistered]

I'm still confused....maybe I just don't want to accept the reality of the situation. I don't understand how someone like myself who has control of so much of her life can let this happen. I know I need to make a decision. It's hard because I do believe it is really love I feel for the man I am seeing. When that's all you wanted all your life it is a hard thing to give up. Thank you for your help and for caring. I know I'm on the opposite side of things for this room.