Troubled marriage

[lynb]

My husband and I have been married for 15 months and we just can't see to get long. I have taken all of the household responsibilites except for his laundry and the trash. I have asked for his help several times and set groundrules in the beginning of our relationship to prevent this. Lately we have been considering divorce because we are both unhappy. I do not want my marriage to end this way. I suggested (for the second time) that we go to counseling and he has agreed, but now he is saying that he doesn't want to pay to find out what he already knows.

His major problem with our relationship is the amount and quality of sex and affection. I have never had a very high sex drive but I was able to keep him happy in the beginning. Lately I have had no real desire for sex. I feel like he doesn't appreciate any of the things that I do and for that reason the sex a decreased dramatically. I have asked him to try and make me feel special and he says that he would do more if we had the sexual relationship that he wants.

My husband doesn't do anything for me. In the two years that we have been in our home he has had two minor things fixed without me asking, he ran my bath water twice, and gave me roses once. I do all of the cooking and cleaning, as well as the grocery shopping, and bill paying. I don't not buy he gifts very often, but I make sure that he has everything that he needs.

I know that everyone needs to feel appreciated, but he makes me feel like I am undeserving because he isn't being satified in bed. If we go out to dinner I have to pay the tip, if we go to the movies I have to buy the snacks. To me that is going dutch not a husband taking his wife out.

I could go on and on but I am really at a loss, I don't know if we will ever be able to get off of this mary-go-round and be happy.

Any suggestions would be helpful.

Thanks,

LB

[Unregistered]

Hi LB.
My husband and I have the same problem sexually the more he complains the less I want to have it. I am with you there. As for the other problems that you are experiencing...you say that you have been living together for two years...did he treat you the same way then??
Sometimes I do not understand the my money your money part of a relationship. A marriage is a partnership and everything is meant to be shared..but I have a friend who has the same arrangement and her and her husband are always fighting about who owes who what and who is responsible for paying for what.
It gives you one less thing to argue about.
Have you spoken to your Dr. about why you have no sexual desire at all? I may be something physical..it is worth ruling it out.
I hope that you can work things out.
Tweety

[Kate]

Dear Lynb,

Your dilemma reminds me of another post that Liz replied to recently where she wrote:

"What was coming through was that you think you have shown him lots of love and he says that you haven't. It sounds like you are speaking different languages in the way you express your love. It can cause huge misunderstandings. You sent him text messages to tell him that you loved him. What if he experiences being loved in a different way. It’s a bit like a Norwegian marrying a Chinese person. If they only know their own language they won’t understand each other. If they learn each others language then they will be able to communicate.

In his book, The Five Love Languages (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/fivelovelang/), Gary Smalley talks about Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Giving Gifts, and Physical Touch. For my husband, physical touch is his main language. It wouldn’t matter how much I told him I loved him, if I avoided physical contact he would not believe what I said. I appreciate quality time from him. If he ignores me all evening and then starts cuddling up, I don’t feel loved. If he has made time to listen to me and be with me and then cuddles up, I feel warm and loved and responsive.

Sometimes couples spend years showing their love to their spouse in the way they think is best and can’t understand that their spouse doesn’t respond. Can you guess or work out which way your husband would like to be shown love. If not try asking him. "

It sounds to me as if you would respond better when your husband wants to make love if he knew what it was that helps you to feel appreciated and able to relax. Although sexual problems can be the primary cause of relationship problems they are more often the symptom of communication difficulties or misunderstanding.

Why not write the languages down and ask him to rate from one to five which he thinks are your languages and then which are his. You do the same and have a look at whether you do know what makes the other feel loved. That should help you discover what could help in your situation.

You might also look at some of the resources (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthsex/) on building a strong love life. It's no use your husband demanding a better sexual relationship with you. You both need to work at it. I wonder how he sees sex - as his right or as a gift to you. How do you see it -as a duty or a gift? Do you believe it can be fun and satisfying?

I hope that gives you some angles ot work at things from.

Kate