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doll
28th June 2001, 08:04 PM
I love my husband with all my heart. Yet I have discovered that I am lonely. He is not very affectionate with me any more, pushes me away when I reach out to him. Pecks only here and there. He says that when he touches me he cant control himself so he avoids me. But that does not mean our sex life is great. I know he loves me, by the way he works hard and sacrifices for the family but on a romantic one on one level I feel deprived. On my birthday, I made the plans. No present. This is not the first time. Unless I really push, he will not buy a gift. I have gone many birthdays, christmas, mothers day, valentines day with only a word of Happy "". Low desire to go out. He works away from the home alot so I understand that he wants to be home but I also know with four children we need time together. I want to be cherished and adored. I need it. I feel like a plant without water. Recently I saw him give a family friend attention like I wish he would give me. He was able to do it with her but not with me. He was married before to a woman who cheated on him and then left. I know he is afraid to let go for if he does he will lose me but it has been over ten years. When asked why he could give her that attention, he brought up the touch control thing. His theory is that people hug and cuddle up close in public is just a show it is not real or lasting. And years ago it just use to be in public that he was unable to give me affection but now it is all the time. I dont want to harden myself but each touch he pulls from is rejection. Each hug he does not have time for is rejection. Each night with him busy doing whatever is rejection. Each holiday without anything is rejection. I dread my birthday. I mean why celebrate it. I dread christmas except for the kids. They get gifts. and I get a gift if I buy it for myself. Or if not, the kids receive the lecture on how good they have it. I am tired I am lonely. I have tried talking but like an article said he feels like I am pressuring him or nagging. I have tried pulling away but that hardens me. I dont know what else to try. I have tried doing it for myself, arranging, planning but it loses the specialness or the feeling of being wanted. Please help.

Kate
29th June 2001, 03:04 PM
Dear Doll,

Thank you for sharing your sadness and pain. I wonder if your husband is afraid of intimacy having been hurt so much before. Did your reference to his previous marriage and losing you mean just that? Somehow he may think that if he doesn't get too close then it won't hurt as much if you leave him.

It is hard to break through barriers that people build because of rejection, but it is possible. It may sound strange but his very remoteness may be a sign of the strength of his love for you, like when he says he avoids you, because he can't control himself.

If you can find it in your self, try to go on reassuring him of your love, go on showing him how attractive you find him and how much you want him. Have you tried talking to him about the different ways you each show your love and would like to be shown love. Ask him first what helps him to feel loved and secure. Tell him that you want him to know by what you do and say that he is special to you, and then tell him that you know he loves you, but that you need reassurance sometimes. There is a section on the site about building intimacy (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthclose/).

It may be possible to find an opportunity to share with him what your loneliness feels like, but don't blame him for it. Sometimes it can be easier to write it down, because that gives you the opportunity to choose your words uninterrupted and with care and for him to read it in the same way. It may be that he recognises in what you write some of his own feelings when he was let down.

If you can communicate your care for him first rather than just apparently wanting to change him, then you may escape giving the impression of nagging him.

You might also consider encouraging him to go away on an enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/). These are wonderful opportunities to remember how much your love for each other really means and to strengthen your communication and understanding. Going on one does not have to be an admission of failure and needing help but a recognition that all marriages have room for growth.

However hard it is, don't withdraw and harden your heart, keep reaching out to him, remembering that it's not that he doesn't love you, but that he doesn't know how or isn't able at the moment to show you he does.