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elizabethk
22nd July 2003, 02:28 PM
My husband suffered a heart attack 3 years ago and hasn't worked since. Over the last three years his attitude to life has changed dramatically and he's become very difficult to live with. He has become very short tempered to the extent that our children (aged 13 and 9) cannot play in the house or garden because he complains that they're too noisy. If their friends visit, he shouts abuse at them for the most minor thing. He has become rude to friends and neighbours and doesn't recognise the need for being polite to anyone. We recently went on holiday and it was a disaster because of my husband's intolerant behaviour.

His attitude to our children is the most upsetting. He constantly criticises them and puts them down. If they bicker amongst themselves (quite normal in my view!), he screams abuse at them and grounds them for weeks on end. He over-reacts to everything they do and say. Yesterday, for example, our daughter came in crying because she'd been hurt in a game. He screamed at our eldest even though it was not his fault and when he tried to explain, my husband simply stood there shouting that he didn't want to hear anything because it would be all lies!

Perhaps not surprisingly, we no longer have any friends, never go out and the children spend as little time with us as possible. I dread evenings and weekends and school holidays. Despite everything, I don't want to deprive the children of a father but I'm at the end of my tether. In the past I've tried to suggest he goes away by himself for a few days but he now says that he won't leave. Surely I haven't got to spend the rest of my life walking on eggshells trying to avoid setting him off, and apologising to people for his behaviour?

Liz
23rd July 2003, 04:09 PM
Dear Elizabeth,

Life does sound very unpleasant indeed. Is there no-one who your husband can talk to? What about his doctor?

I wonder if under the surface he is struggling with the restrictions on his life since he was ill and feels trapped and angry. This is no excuse for his behaviour but it might give soem clues as to what might help.

You might find the article in our First Aid Kit (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/marfirstaid/index15.html) helpful. If you could get your husband to share his disappointments, frustrations and fears in a coherent and calm way, he might find release from this cycle of anger and abuse.

Just a few thoughts – I hope it gives you some ideas and some hope.

Best wishes

Liz

elizabethk
25th July 2003, 01:42 PM
I have tried to suggest he speaks to the doctor but he won't. Everytime we have a row about his attitude he does improve temporarily but it doesn't last. I have thought about speaking to the doctor myself but to be honest she's not particularly approachable as a gp!

nallie
6th August 2003, 01:58 PM
ElizabethK,

I understand your situation EXACTLY! My husband has had health issues as well and when I read how your husband is being, it sounded just like my husband as well. The only difference is my children are from my first marriage. My current husband & I have no children together.

I had always told myself, if the kids were his, he wouldn't be so cold towards them. I can see from your situation, this may not be the case. I am certain this is confusing for you to live with & the poor children should not suffer so.

I am not a therapist, but I will tell you this...it is our job as mothers to protect our children from aggressors, if you don't do it, who will?

I would insist my husband either correct his behaviour or go to counselling to deal more appropriately with the children. If he continued to do nothing and the situation didn't imporve, I would either ask him to move out of the house Or I'd tell him that I no longer will tolerate his behaviour towards the children, it is going to damage them and if he continues like this, you will likely have very rough teenage years with your kids. The fear is, if they don't learn respect by the attitude of the parents, how will they ever be able to respect your husband? They will grow to resent him and express that behaviour through rebellion. This is very dangerous.

In my situation, I told my husband the above, and basically told him if he didn't change, our relationship was over. His attitude towards my children has improved, it isn't perfect, but it is better than it was. it is difficult to be put in a situation where you have to basically draw the line and be forced almost to "choose" who to defend. But it sounds to me like you are in that situation, and maybe I am wrong, but children must be protected and nurtured so they don't become hateful adults.

I hope this helps.....you may need to stand firm and let him know, this will not be tolerated by you anymore and if he won't get help, you & your kids will go packing. Maybe that "wake-up call" will work.

Nallie

dmbfan
17th September 2003, 05:44 PM
I agree with Nallie. You need to get the kids out of the situation as soon as possible, as well as yourself. Your husband needs help, support, and counseling, but you can't do it on your own. I also have a husband who has great difficulty controlling anger, and I finally had get out of the situation, to spare my own sanity. Your children and yourself come first, and they should come first for your husband too. Trying as hard as you can to get the support he needs shows that you love him, and though he may not see it now, he might later. Good luck