Desparate here, don't want to be a quitter.

[rojo69]

My wife, partner and best friend of 7 years, going on 8 have been separated since New Year's Eve. We agreed that I should move out. I have been suffering from depression for probably 15 years now and I it has been rough and taken it's toll on our marriage. We have two beautiful daughters that are 4 and 8. I have been in councelling and therapy and that's when the depression factor(s) started to show up and made sense. I am now on Zoloft. I verbally abused my wife and we were on a rollercoaster ride of a marriage for years. I guess she started to pull away from me long ago because she now says she wants no marriage councelling or anything of the sort. She wants a flat out divorce. Although we are in financial ruin, I see that this would only make this worse for us and for the girls. However, I have agreed to the divorce, as I blame myself for this breakup. I do miss her and my children and not a day goes by where I don't regret ever hurting her. I just don't believe in quitting on a marriage when all seems lost. She says she doesn't love me anymore and it is crushing me down. We live on an island in South Florida, but were not originally from here. I just feel it is time for me to go back home up north and lick my wounds. Or is that just me being selfish. I mean. Although, I am on medication, I still feel this gut wrenching pain that just keeps hurting over and over. I have tried to reconcile and prove to here that people can and do change. But it is to no avail. She is adamant in here decision about divorce and total independence and all I can do is agree. I wouldn't want to be married to someone as mean as I "WAS" because I have changed for the better. I know I have. This has been a real eye opener and a real heart breaker. What will I ever tell my girls??? Daddy has to go away??? I don't want to leave...I just feel that the longer I stay here with low confidence and low self esteem I will go back to livin on the edge and drinking like a mad man like I first did when we separated. Oh, I don't wanna see that man ever again. I just don't want to give up and quit. I have tried my damndest to save this marriage,,,but the harder I try, the more she pulls away. Well, I REALLY would appreciate some kind advice on this. Anybody, Please. This is probably THE toughest decision I will ever make in my life. I just don't know if I can live here with if I choose to stay here. I have no real friends here nor family, except for my girls. God I love them.:(

[Liz]

Dear Rojo,

It must be heartbreaking looking back with regret at past mistakes and having no chance to turn back the clock or begin afresh. Sadly that is often the reality when we hurt each other deeply. Sometimes our loved one can’t face taking the risk of being hurt again. Does your wife know ho you feel about what has happened and about her. Although you blame yourself, you could still tell her even though she may not change her mind as a result.

Now you have to look to the future. Some of the challenges I guess you are facing are how to keep your emotional and mental health and how to be a good father to your daughters.

Is it possible to find the emotional support where you live now. Have you hobbies, friends or work colleagues or a local church where you could find friendship, acceptance and support? Is it actually going to be any easier going north to “lick your wounds”. Will you actually face up to your problems and low self esteem there or will you perhaps fall into self pity and bitterness just as much there as where you are now.

The harder thing will probably be to stay where you are and rebuild your life so that you can be there for your girls. You will face constant reminders of what went wrong but have the chance to win through to a more healthy life, even if it is one separated from your wife by divorce.

Recent research suggests that children of separation and divorce fare worse if one or other of their parents move away especially in the early stages of life after divorce. Sanford Braver reports in the Journal of Family Psychology that children who had to deal with divorcing parents and the subsequent move of either parent -- to somewhere more than an hour away, were more likely to feel they had a "hard and difficult" life and had adjusted less favourably personally and emotionally. They also were more likely to experience health problems.

There are some other resources on this site for people in your position here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/whenover/)

You know what your “enemies” are – low self esteem and drink, so at least you know what you need to fight against. You don’t have to fall back down the hole you were in when things first went wrong. Each day you can take a step forward towards the person you were created to be. You are unique and special, even if like the rest of us you have messed up some things in life. I happen to believe that each of us have the potential to be a beautiful, healthy human being.

I hope you find the wisdom to make the right decision for you and your family. Keep in touch.

With best wishes

Liz