How do I tell him it's over

[Unregistered]

My marriage is over it has been for a long time. I tried many times to get it back but have now decided it is time to move on. Please dont ask me to make more effort as I dont love him anymore.

I am trying to be as gentle as I can but cant find the words. I would like some advice please. I know there is no easy way.

[Dave]

Dear Friend,

I find your request a strange one (especially here!)!

You are quite explicit that you don't love him any more. I will take it that you have worked through to the point that you understand that love isn't about romantic feelings, it's an act of the will, a decision ( see here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/articles/loveis/)). So, you have decided that you won't love him any more.

You say you are looking for gentle words, so I presume that you believe he won't want this to be the case - that he still has a level of commitment and affection for you.

So in effect you are asking us to craft some "gentle" words so you can unilaterally tear up the promises you made on your wedding day, and say "my self focused desire for a single life is more important that any decision to love you - goodbye!"

I'm sorry, but the 2-in-2-1 team will give you every support encouragement and resource to stand by the promises you made, but we're not in the business of writing "gentle" words to appease a decision born of selfish weakness.

Dave

[Unregistered]

How long were you married? Is your husband abusive? Before anyone throws their 2 cents in here, I think we ought to know that. Why are you looking for "gentle" words? Are you afraid he's going to hurt you if you don't just tell him straight out? Or is he a pretty nice guy whom you've simply, immaturely, selfishly gotten tired of?

[Unregistered]

You know it is just possible to grow apart....
We can fall out of love.
Is it wrong to want love in your life again?
Give her a break...she is just being honest.
It's great when 2 people can last a lifetime...but it needs to be a satisfying lifetime to both of them. Life is too short just to exist. Follow your heart. Be prepared for the future. It may not be a bright as you think but it will be YOURS.
Good Luck in whatever you do!

[bellaioo]

You have to be honest with him ,why have you fallen out of love with him,there must of been something that has killed your love didnt he show you that you were special has your relationship been bad , you must of loved him to marry him whats changed .have you tried telling him how you are feeling ,dont string him along because it causes more pain in the end.just be honest because i am on the other side and i know how much it hurts.

[Dave]

Hi all

My tough words seem to have promoted a little debate that I want to open up a bit more.

Snarley, thanks for your words on honesty - you are absolutely right - and thanks for your willingness to support others even in the middle of all your pain - hang in there, girl!

However the line I'll not fall for is the one that goes "I've fallen out of love, so it's time to get a life.....". As I posted below, the love that sustains a marriage is not the romance one falls in and out of however exciting that is, but its an unconditional decision to love. It's altogether a tougher proposition and relies on the will, not feelings.

Part of the decision to love is to be willing to confront the things we find unloveable both in ourselves and in others. It's not usually comfortable, and doesn't feel good - but it does build trust and sustain a relationship.

Dave

[Unregistered]

Maybe not everyone goes into a marriage having made an 'unconditional decision to love'. I think most just 'fall in love' and marriage feels like the next natural step to take. Not all marriages are ruled by the head, most are ruled by the heart and that is why they come unstuck sometimes.

It takes a lot to make a marriage work and until your married you really cant tell just how much. Most probably think that it shouldnt' be hard work but if you love someone then you should automatically be happy. Right? Wrong !

Unfortunately some people dont realise the true extent of what is involved until one or both parties are past the point of no return. I think you HAVE to accept that some people just cant make it work especially if one or both have lost the will.

I know that this site is here to promote and help marriages. But I think it a little harse to turn our backs on someone even if they have decided the relationship is over. Should we close the door on someone who has lost the will ? Especially when we dont know the reasons that got them to this point.

I dont think you should try and sustain a relationship at all costs. I also think its difficult to offer any advice when we dont know the reasons behind the decision.

Like bellaioo said, the husband in question cant be left in the dark and I think the lady here knows that and is looking for help and advice in how to go about it.

To the writer of this tread - Im sure you haven't taken this decision lightly. Only you know your husband. Go with your heart and im sure you will find the right words.

It will never be easy but if you truely feel that there is no other way then you have to be honest as soon as possible.

It may be worth giving this site a try and maybe you may find some help in trying to save your marriage. Perhaps explaining a bit more will allow us all to try and save your marriage.

Give it some thought - and good luck.
Lulu.

[Unregistered]

Dave and Lulu BOTH make great points and great posts. As for growing apart, yes, people DO grow apart, but WHY? As snarley pointed out, there are lots of questions that must first be ASKED before they can be answered.
When my husband proposed to me (over the phone - when I was at work - how romantic, yeah right!), I told him, "I'll have to call you back." I hung up the phone and THOUGHT about it. I asked myself a few basic questions: Does he love me? Yes. Do I love him? Yes. Will he treat me with respect? Yes. I then said to myself, "OK, why not. If I get a good 10 years out of this, it'll be worth it." I never thought it would last forever. I still don't. I just go along and try to be the best participant in this relationship/partnership as I can be. We will be celebrating our 17th anniversary this December. Oh yeah, I called him back and said "Yes". And another thing.... anyone else probably would have divorced my husband a long time ago. He's been a jerk, unfaithful, crude and downright intolerable at times. But I do enjoy being married to him for the most part. At least for now. We have grown tired of each other in certain regards, but we focus on the things that hold us together. The fun we have. The fact that we can be totally ourseves with each other, etc. When the bad outweighs the good, then we'll have to call it a day, but for now, it's working OK.
Some people get married because they want the wedding, they want to be a bride, they want a honeymoon, they think it's what they're SUPPOSED to do (that attitude drives me up a wall, but I guess that's just a conformist for you - just follow the rules). They do think that it shouldn't take any "work" if you really love each other - which is crap. Any relationship takes work.
And regardless if we think with our heads or our hearts, a mature person knows that the romantic, fireworks, butterflies, prancing through an open wheat field, rainbows blah blah blah, aspect of love, that does not last. Dave is right when he says that you make a decision to love. For the same token, you can't MAKE yourself love someone.
My Mom's neighbor (a middle-aged man) spoke with her a while back. He told her that he was thinking about getting a divorce. He said he was "unhappy". My Mom (who's in her late 60's and was married for 48 pretty great years to my Dad who recently passed away), in her wonderful yiddish humor, laughed and told her neighbor, "You're not happy?! Marriage is not about being happy!"
I don't know about the UK, but here in the USA people are fond of saying that "parenthood is the toughest job you'll ever love." Well, I think the same can be said for marriage. It's a conscious DECISION - no one forces you to marry someone else (unless you live in Kentucky and your Daddy owns a shotgun.) You go into it, COMMITTED to making it work. You try as hard as you can to make it work. If you "grow apart", you seek to find things that can bring you back together. Growing apart is not a valid reason for splitting up, unless, of course, you have exercised all your options. And I think that while love is very important, it is not the only element that keeps a marriage together. Respect, commitment and friendship are just as important.
In my opinion, there ARE some reasons for splitting up. And I reiterate, you can't MAKE yourself love someone, just like you can't make someone love YOU. But I would hope that, when people decide to marry, that they go into it maturely. Most don't and that's probably why half of all marriages, at least in the US, split up.
Maybe the original poster can shed some light on her situation.
J in the USA

[Unregistered]

How I agree. You can't make yourself love someone or you can't make them love you. Otherwise why would anyone put themselves through such agony when thinking of divorce. Most of the time it isn't that you don't "like" the person. It's that you aren't in love with them anymore. What a tough decision...stay with someone just because you married them or try to build a new life and find someone who fills all your needs.

[Dave]

Hi J and Lulu (hey Lulu - why not register so we can see all your posts!)

Thanks for your thoughtful postings - we appreciate the time and care that goes into your words.

You say J (vociferously supported by "Unregistered"!), that you can't MAKE yourself love someone, and in the sense that you can't make yourself have loving feelings I wholly agree. You can however decide to act in a loving way. To quote from Kate's article that I highlighted below;

"Love is always being willing to say sorry…
Love is wanting the best for the one we love…
Love is seeing the potential in our loved one…
Love is telling them what you value in them….

Love is forgiving and not holding on to hurts….
Love is living today as if it were your last, but looking forward to a fresh tomorrow…
Love is listening with all your heart
Love is knowing when to speak and when to sit together in silence

Love is the most precious gift you can receive……
AND the most precious gift you can give……"

All of these are things you can decide to do unconditionally (= without expecting anything in return). Strangely, when we do decide to do all these things it seems that very often the feelings we call love DO grow - not always, but often!

And that brings me to the point where I have to disagree with the last poster - "...stay with someone just because you married them or try to build a new life and find someone who fills all your needs". There is a third possibility - work through your difficulties and build a stronger and more satisfying marriage. Statistically 70% of those who decide to take this course report that they are "satisfied" or "very satisfied" with their relationship within 5 years. This is the option that everyone seems to ignore!

Dave

[nallie]

I feel I must post for one reason.....I was in this situation about 8 years ago.

I had given up....I didn't find delicate words, I moved out. It was painful...horrible and damaged our children.

Not fast forward 8 years. I am remarried.....and regret leaving my first marriage. My ex (I now realize) really gave me what I needed most in my life.......peace.

Yes, my first marriage wasn't exciting, we didn't communicate much, but we were at peace with one another & respected one another. I thought I wanted a more emotionally involved relationship, LOL I was wrong.

So be careful. Assess why you feel it is over. Maybe what you think you want, isn't really what you want. And if you are looking for delicate words...do you know what that means???

It means you still care about his feelings and don't want to hurt him. you may have more to your relationship than you think!

Nallie