I'm stuggling to cope and need advice

[sbowra]

My husband and I split up recently because I felt like I didn't love him in the right way anymore, but things got really tough. I was strong and emotionless to start with but then started feeling I had made a mistake. Then there were rumours he was seeing someone, it made me jealous, angry, hurt, I didn't know how to deal with these feelings. He denied anything happening and we started working at the relationship, I felt like I had fallen in love again. We spent a great week together and I felt like I was dealing with issues from my past that I had always dwelled upon. Then he told me he had slept with someone and he couldn't live a lie anymore, I was devastated.
My first reaction was anger and the relationship was over but as time has gone on I realise that I was to blame, I told him that I didn't want him anymore and there was no going back so he had nothing to lose by getting close to someone.
I decided to try and cope and make the relationship work again and things are brilliant between us, we have gone from not having sex (because I never wanted to) to trying new things and having a great sex life again. But I still have this nagging doubt about this girl who is still contacting him despite him asking her not to. He just tells me he will deal with it but I am petrified of losing him to her. I have never coped well with jealousy and the last thing I want to do is push him away so I am looking at things more positively and being understanding of why he did this, he isn't the only one to blame but it still doesn't take away the pain I am feeling.
Has anyone got any advice?

[Unregistered]

It's hard for people to admit when they are wrong and when they've made a mistake.
Let's put this in simple terms - you screwed up. You came close to ruining a good relationship. Now you must face the consequences of your previous actions. You told your husband, basically, to get on with his life, so he did. You couldn't handle that and now you are understandably upset that he had sex with someone else (even though you let him go after not giving him any sex.)
Try not to get too upset. Your husband has been hurt and probably views you with suspicion that you might hurt him again. it wouldn't hurt for the two of you to go to marriage counselling together, just so you both can completely clear the air. Just my 2 cents.

[sbowra]

Thanks for your honesty but you are exactly right.
At first I felt like he was completely in the wrong and didn't understand how he could do that to me but I had treated him worse.
I now have the chance (thankfully) to make things much better and I never want to lose him again.
It is really helping me by talking to people I don't know because they look at things how they really are, not biased like family members are.
Hope you keep in touch.
Thanks again!

[Unregistered]

Glad to hear your marriage is on the road to recovery. Remember, everyone makes mistakes, and no relationship is wothout its hardships. Those hardships usually STRENGTHEN a marriage. good luck and let us know what's going on.

[sbowra]

Hello again!

Thnigs have been going very well until last night. My husband came round and he was very tired I asked him too many times if that was all it was and he got a bit snappy with me. We went to sleep and I wasn't well in the night so when we both woke up I was a bit quiet, not like I have been. My husband then felt like I was being off with him but it wasn't the case at all. He got ready for work and gathered his belongings up so I realised he wasn't planning on staying tonight and it made me feel sad. He said he had lots of things to do where he is living which I understand but I am scared he feels differently.
When he went to leave I told him I loved him and he ignored me. I followed him downstairs and he told me he didn't know how he felt and that he feels like things are already going wrong. I tried to reassure him that I still felt the same and I loved him very much but he didn't react to that.
I phoned him to apologise but he was snappy again saying he had things to do and hung up quite abruptly. Then called me back and said we both have to work at things but I am feeling like he expects it all to come from me. I tried my hardest not to get into an argument this morning but I don't feel like he did the same.
I think the night apart from each other is probably a good thing but it could also go the other way.
Am I trying too hard? Should I give him a bit more space or could that make it look like I don't care?
Please advise me I am very confused!!!

[Unregistered]

Hiya,

I think you are trying too hard. He knows you care but I think you are just approaching this at different speeds. You seem to be rushing to make things right, it seems he needs to take things a little slower.

Can you sit down and set out some guidlines or goals you would like to acheive as a couple within a certain time?

I know love should take its own course in its own time but maybe you both need some direction so you are going in the right way at the same time.

You definitely need some encouragement and support from him to confirm that this isn't all in vain. Ask him for reassurance but also let him go at his own pace.

I hope you manage to talk some more.
Good luck,
Lulu.

[sbowra]

Thanks for your advice Lulu, you are right about us needing to discuss the situation which we do a lot of the time but suddenly his attitude goes back to how things used to be and I try my hardest to not react angrily in return.
We actually fell out last night over me wanting to go out for a couple of drinks whilst he was at work.
It started the evening before when he said he might go to meet a friend (after he had finished work) for a drink. I suggested that we get a babysitter and go out together because I really enjoy going out with him, he told me he would only be out quickly and that maybe we could go out Sunday night to celebrate his birthday. That was absolutely fine and we left it at that but I still thought he was meeting his friend after work but he wouldn't be out for long and I had no problem with that.
I then telephoned him to see what time he thought he would be back and said I was going out with a friend for a drink and would meet him when he was back. Everything went terrible, he was really angry with me and said I had taken the P*** out of him. I didn't understand why he was feeling like that. He told me that I wanted a single life but still being married to him and he wasn't allowed out anywhere without me but I could do what I liked, but it really wasn't like that. It was very diffcult to make him realise that I had no problem with him going out I had just thought it would be nice to go together.
I am worried that he doesn't want me going out anymore without him because he knows I get a lot of attention and chatted up each time I go out but I tried to explain to him that I never did anything in response to that yet he had, he slept with someone. He tries to understand but I don't think he does, he has always been insecure and feels threatened by me going out.
In the end I didn't go out, I knew things would have got a lot worse if I had and in the end we had a nice evening together but I feel like he is controlling me again.
I also mentioned what I might wear to a 60's/70's party (that he is going to) if I can go. He point blank said I couldn't wear anything short and that was the end of the discussion, but I have recently lost a lot of weight and want to feel good about myself and look good for him. The subject has not been mentioned again but it really concerns me.
How do you think I should be about this?
Hope to hear from you soon!

[Unregistered]

Hi there, its Lulu.

Sorry I haven't responded for a while. It sounds like you both are very insecure about how you feel for each other. Maybe it might be a good idea for neither of you to go out on any girlie/lad nights out for a while until you sort out your marriage problems and issues around trust. It doesn't seem to be helping much.

I know that you need to let off steam but right now your marriage is more important and you should be spending as much time as possible in trying to sort it out with one another.

I was concerned at your comment about him trying to control you again. What has he been like in the past? Have you ever mentioned this to him? Is that the reason you originally thought you had "fallen out of love with him"? If so then this needs to be addressed.

Another thing - what are your current living arrangements like now? Do you see him every night? Is it working out ok?

I just think you want everything back the way it was but with all your emotional problems sorted out. The time its taking must be painful but its only that which will prevent things slipping back to the way they were. It will take time and patience and understanding on both parts.

It sounds to me like he does want to try but he just needs time. I think he is getting angry because you are still trying to hard. It sounds like he is feeling suffocated but then he either wants to try or he doesnt. If he does then he should want to spend a night out with you rather than his mates.

How did his birthday go on sunday? Did you go out with him?

I know what you said about the 60's/70's party and to be honest I dont think ANYONE should have a say over what someone else choses to wear or not. Even although you are a couple you still have the right to make your own choices about these things. Maybe if you spoke to him and explained the reasons you want to look nice (for him) then he may start to change his way of thinking.

My husband loves it when I dress up for a night out. He also doesn't mind (within reason) if I turn a few heads as it makes him feel good. He is going home with me at the end of the night no-one else is! It helps if you give him no reason to think you enjoy the attention only that you want to make him want you, no-one else.

I hope things have improved over the weekend. Let me know how you are getting on.

Take care,
Lulu.

[Unregistered]

Hi there,

How have things been going since your last posting?

Lulu

[sbowra]

Hiya Lulu,
Things had been going really good again until last night.
My Husband had a drink and I upset him with something I said and things went bad. He looked very aggressive (which I haven't seen for a long time) and he would not let me explain what I had meant. He wouldn't let me near him, kept telling me to F*** off and don't touch him. Told me I hadn't changed at all and what was I going to do about it. He was close to walking out for good.
What really frustrated me was that I really wanted to have a go back because he was being very out of order but if I had done he would have just gone. Reading this you are probably thinking I should of but he blamed me for the whole situation so he would of walked away thinking I had ruined everything.
I stayed calm and kept apologising but he still wouldn't let me near him. In the end he went to bed and I slept on the sofa really distraught and worried for the future because I want things to work out this time.
This morning I apologised again and he did back so things were ok. My concerns are that I tried to deal with our argument differently than I ever would have done in the past but he didn't. He has the upper hand because he can just walk out at any point.
I feel like you are going to say that I should stand up to him but I used to and it always made the situation worse if I can break the cycle of how we deal with an argument then it could work better.
Other than yesterday things really are so much better than they ever had been. I just hope they stay like that.
Speak to you soon I hope.

[Unregistered]

Hi there,

How are things? Have they got any better?

Lulu.