Please help - I dont know what to do ?

[Unregistered]

I came across this site whilst seeking details for relate. Having read some of your problems and the good advice offered I hope someone out there can offer some help and advice to me. I met my husband in April 2001. I was 26 he 25. We fell madly in love and he proposed 2 months later. I accepted and he subsequently went away for 4 months with work (he is in the forces). During this time I planned the wedding and awaited his return. He returned in November when we held our engagement party. Things were moving so quickly but we knew we were perfect for each other, a feeling felt by friends and family around us. Just after xmas I discovered I was pregnant (a first for me) and I was devastated. My husband was elated - to be a father was his dream. All I saw was a lost opportunity and as a realist knew we would be in for a bumpy ride having no real foundation to our relationship. We took the decision to have our daughter due to my personal feelings on the alternative which resulted in us cancelling our original church wedding for a smaller yet beautiful civil service. We were married within a year and I was 4 months pregnant. Soon afterwards my husband was offered a promotion opportunity which would take him away for 6 months to start 2 months after the birth of our daughter. He saw this as a golden opportunity,giving him the ability to provide for his new family in the best way he knew how. I on the other hand saw disaster. I knew the limits to my capabilities and being a new wife and mother, returning to full time employment and living away from all family and friends would be too much for me to cope with not having him around. Unfortunately I couldnt make him understand this and he just wanted to get this course out of the way so we would be financially secure and could move nearer to family and friends. This was the first sign that we had totally different ideas on family life. He is used to distances from loved ones coming from a military back ground and views his role very as a husband and father as a provider. I on the other hand value people over material things and would rather stuggle with nothing and have my family around me. 6 months have now passed and I have been left feeling alone, depressed and put upon. I feel like skivvy. All I do is work, come home, look after my baby and im doing it all on my own with no help from him. I feel like a single person but with the restraints of a marriage. I have to attend every event on my own and constantly have to make excuses of why my husband cant be there. He always lets me down because of his work and has to cancel everything at the last min. I have been left feeling very bitter and my marriage has broken down. We live with tension all the time. He has no motivation around the house as he is never there. We niggle all the time and have grown so far apart, we never talk about how we feel. It all came to a head last weekend. Because of our emotional distance I have grown suspicious and without knowing why picked up his mobile phone and checked his messages. I found numerous text messages to and from women I dont know. They were full of sexual inuendo's but when I dont know these people I dont feel its appropriate. He says they are friends met through his work and that the messagees mean nothing and he has done nothing. He even swore on his daughters life that he has never even thought about another woman let alone flirt or more with them. I dont know what to believe but now the trust has gone there is nothing left. He graduates in 3 weeks time but I asked him to leave 7 days ago. The first year of a marriage is the hardest of all and considering we also had a new baby I think we deserved that time to adjust and be a family. I will never get that time back. I hate him for not listening to me in the first place and blame him for everything. I now dont know if I can trust him either. He is devasted and says he would do anything to save his family. He has continually denied doing anything wrong but accepts our relationship has troubles. He realises in hind sight that he made the wrong decision and never really appreciated the position he left me in. He says his new job will mean nothing without his family to share it with and he has vowed to leave if it means keeping me. I would never ask him to do that but I dont know if I can carry on as there will always be something else because of the nature of his job. I have lost faith in him and we haven't been communicating for a very long time. It is very hard to communicate when you have such a distance for such a long time. Arguments drag on until you see each other again, and then you feel the time you have is too precious to spoil with arguments so you bottle it up and it snowballs. I love him with all my heart but the fear that he could not keep his promises to make things better is stoping me from trying again. Is it worth trying again and can you regain that trust I feel i've lost?

A friend in need.

[Kate]

Hello there,

You do sound very miserable. It has not been the start to married life that you had hoped for.

I don't think that your differences need to push you apart permanently. Most married couples have to do some adjusting in the first few years, but not so many have to cope with all the change and pressure that you have had.

Surely if your husband is now acknowledging the mistakes he has made and said he wants to work things out then you will want to try and do this.

You certainly might like to get in touch with Relate but there is often a waiting list and there are others things that you can do in the meantime.

There are a couple of sections on the site that deal with the early years (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthearly/) and basic relationship skills (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/). It doesn't sound as if you had any marriage preparation, but it's not too late to do something on those lines. Something like Prepare/Enrich (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhnonres/prepinc/) or Foccus (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhnonres/foccus/) might help you to identify the strengths and potential growth points in your marriage. Having different values and attitudes isn't the end of the world provided you understand them and respect each other.

There is also an article on rebuilding trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/trust/) on the site which you might find interesting. It seems that you are struggling with whether and how to forgive him. To do that you probably need a lot of comfort from him to soothe some of the hurt you have experienced. Can you tell him what would now help you to begin to experience his love - thoughtful action round the home, tenderness, quality time, whatever?

Don’t give up, your marriage still has the potential to be a very special one and your daughter needs you both.

All the best

Kate

PS Are you aware of the SSAFA support line (http://www.ssafa.org.uk/Confidential_Support_Line.html).

[Unregistered]

Thank you for your reply Kate. Im really grateful for your advice. I didnt know about the SSAFA however im not a big fan of the military so try not to turn to them for support as I feel its a form of acceptance of my situation. If things get too much though its good to know I have someone to call so thank you.

I made an appointment on Tuesday morning for Relate (for myself really) but then the night before my husband kept me up talking until 2:30am trying to get stuff off of his chest. I then suggested he come too as it was obvious he needed to talk to someone. It was a help although im not too sure we were there for the same reasons. Im still trying to decide why and how to trust and forgive and he is desperately trying to mend the relationship. He is constantly telling me he has been faithful from day one etc etc and is making promises of making a concerted effort. The trouble is I just dont believe him and I dont know why.

I am in a bit of a strange situation now though as we are both waiting for a regular appointment to come through from Relate. What are people supposed to do in these times? We are neither together or have given up so its a bit strange knowing what to do in the meantime and what boundries we are supposed to live by.

I find it easier to be on my own at the moment as it makes it less difficult around the house. Im going to use the articles and guides that you have suggested and see if these can give us something to work with until our appointments come through. Obviously as he is hardly ever here it will make spending the time we need together even more difficult but we'll see!

Thanks again for your reply. I really needed some positive advice to encourage me to have faith and keep going.

[Unregistered]

My husband has been away for a few weeks now and im starting to miss him like crazy.

Usually the distance was helped by phone calls etc but these have now stopped as to be honest we dont know what to say to each other and its left me feeling even more alone.

I still dont know if I can trust him enough to try again. It doesn't stop me missing him though.

Every time I think there may be a chance I remember those text messages and I feel sick and doubt everything he has said again.

Still no appointments through from Relate. He is due back on Saturday to see our baby girl. I am filled with both excitement at seeing him and dread at how to react and behave around him.

I dont want him to think everything is ok but I dont want him to think there's no hope either as I fear he will then give up trying.

Im very confused. I have read the articles suggested by kate and whilst it all makes very good sense I dont know how to put it into practise, especially as we hardly ever see each other.

Whats the first step? How do you begin? I still dont know whether I could ever trust him or believe any promises he makes. I am frightened that there is no way back now as I still feel pretty numb about the whole thing.

[Kate]

Hi there

I'm sorry I missed your post and realise it's been sitting there for a while. I wonder how things went when he came home.

Any news from Relate - the waiting list can be quite long, which is tough when you want to start dealing with things.

You ask about how to put things into practice when you only see your man for short times. I suppose one thing you could start with is to write down and face your expectations every time he visits. Think about what he may be hoping for when he comes home and try and be positive.

Do you write to each other when you are apart - that might be one way to keep him in touch with how things are going at home. You could tell him about the different stages your daughter is going through and everything you do each day, so he's as much part of your life as is possible. If you are able you could affirm him by telling him how much you value him providing for you and the baby. Somehow you need to wrok out ways to communicate and show each other love over a distance. Why not tell him what he can do to help you to feel loved while he is away.

Let us know how you are getting on

All the best

Kate

[Unregistered]

Hi Kate,

We are still waiting for an appointment. He gave me a committment to attend Relate as this would be our last hope. He promised that after 12th July (due to work committments) he would definitately be there. However we had an appointment through for Monday 21st, but surprise surprise, he couldnt get off work so we are still waiting.

Its things like this that make it difficult to believe any promises he makes. He is supposed to be putting us first but yet again, work wins through - every time. Its a difficult one I know as you cant argue with the military, but I am now wondering just how much of it is them and how much of it is him. What sort of future will I have?

He graduates on Thursday so will have 2 weeks off and be home but after that I dont know. Im hoping that we can use this time to talk some more.

I just feel utter bitterness towards him. When im with him I am desperate to hold him and be normal but I constantly think badly of him all the time and I cant control those feelings. I am so suspisious and negative about everything he says or does and I know its often unfair but I cant stop it. My moods are becoming much worse and I dont know why this is?

I am still doubting him about the text messages. I am feeling incredibly insecure and jealous every time he has a dining in night at work or a night out. I feel he is getting to enjoy himself all the time (quite possibly with these women he has been texting) whilst im stuck at home on my own with no social life at all.

You asked if we could write to each other but at the moment we are not expressive or affectionate at all, ( well he is trying but im not). We dont talk in a loving manner anymore only about practicalities. I have made no promises to him to keep trying at this although deep down I do want it to work. I am frightened that if I let me guard down I am opening myself up to more hurt and I dont know where to begin.

I did forward the information you suggested to him for him to read. We haven't discussed our relationship since so I dont know what he thinks about it all.

I have been making some lists of my expectations both in time spent together and also about the practicle things ie, housework, paperwork etc. I haven't had the opportunity to discuss these with him yet but hopefully Relate will start us talking again then the 2 weeks we have together will give us time to discuss our expectations in greater detail.

I dont know what will happen but thanks for you advice Kate.

[Bertie]

Hi Kate - sorry it is taking you so long to get to see one of our counsellors. One option would be to try Relatedirect on 0845 130 4016. You can even do this from work, and the telephone counsellors can deal with both of you at the same time even while your husband is working away from home. This is often a good interim measure before seeing a counsellor face to face.