View Full Version : Explicit text messages (mobile phone)
1st June 2001, 09:03 PM
If the seed of jealousy is there, it's not likely to go away. If you want to confront your wife then try and do it gently. If you come from the point of view of trusting her and saying you found the messages by accident and didn't know what to think and hoped there was a simple explanation. If you can do it without your wife feeling threatened and if you can keep calm, then you may find a way forward.
Is there anything that you're aware of in your relationship which might be encouraging her to look elswhere? Have you asked her if anything is wrong, or she's unhappy? Have you talked to her about your physical relationship and the sudden change. It's best to get these things out in the open if you can otherwise it becomes a vicious circle of you checking up and her possibly hiding things from you. If you get into an argument (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthconflict/) try and make it work for your relationship to clear the air and make up.
2nd June 2001, 02:03 AM
Thankyou for your advice, Kate.
I will talk to her tonight. She has gone out to see the couple I mentioned previously. I think I will go and pick her up when the pub closes. I hope it will seem like a jesture of good will.
You are right about getting it sorted out now as I am totally stressed out about the situation, and the guilt. Every time I try to convince myself that it is probably just harmless fun, I hear that little voice saying 'but what if...'
Even if it is not physical, purely 'phone sex' with another man, is it an affair? It hurts like I am being betrayed.
2nd June 2001, 05:07 AM
Background: My wife and I are under 30 and have been married for 2 years. About 8 months ago my wifes sex drive suddenly went from 4 times a week to a maximum of once a month (a source of much anxiety and stress).
I few weeks ago I (innocently) went to use my wifes mobile phone and discovered some sexually explicit text messages she had received (and sent) to an old work collegue. I have not mentioned them to her but have been secretly checking her phone, which I feel very guilty about.
There have been more messages, even ones suggesting excuses for leaving the house. She has also been going out drinking recently with a couple she has known for years, although I am never invited and I never see or speak to the couple.
I am very scared of confronting her. She will no doubt say that the messages are a joke or a game, and then get mad about me reading them. I want to trust her but feel compelled to find out whats going on.
I love her dearly but this seed of doubt (and jealousy) has been planted deep. Help.
18th June 2001, 04:42 PM
(I removed my last message because I wrote it in hast, and feel it did not convey my feelings reliably.)
I confronted my wife when she returned home and explained that the first time I viewed her messages was a genuine mistake. I tried to concentrate on why she encouraged and sent these messages, but she would not give a real reply. She tried to make out that it was my fault for finding the messages. Eventually she just kept saying she was bored, and that they were 'just a joke'. She got loud and then refused to discuss it any more (as if often the case).
The next morning I told her how much this had hurt me and she acknowledged that. We both agreed to spend more time doing things together, which is difficult due to money restrictions but worked for a few days. She even sent me some raunchy messages, but they just make me uncomfortable now - two weeks ago they would have been wonderful.
Things have gone downhill again now. I think she is seeing someone at a pub on the way home from work. I do not think it is a sexual relationship, more of a confiding and closeness. I am uncomfortable with this, perhaps it is jealousy because she spends alot of time with someone else - I am not sure. The worry is that he may have other ideas as to where their relationship is leading. This has happened a few times before when she has mistaken mens advances to be 'just friendship'. When she realises (usually because they have lunged themselves at her) she panics and I have to step in.
The bottom line is that I do not trust her at the moment because she lies to me - alot. She will phone to say she will be home in 15minutes, only to arrive 2 and a half hours later with no mention of why. I also know she goes to pub after work, but she denies it. I have a strong urge to walk into the pub tonight to see if she is there, but she would just come up with some excuse.
I am truly at my wits end. I love her and do not want to lose her, but I refuse to be in a relationship where I feel I am constantly being deceived, and there are too many secrets. What can I do?
18th June 2001, 06:48 PM
I was struck by the fact that your wife is seeking "confiding and closeness" elsewhere rather than in your marriage. Has it been like this all the way through your two years of marriage?
The first years of marriage are crucial in building trust, openness, closeness and companionship. These things don't happen over night. A couple of places on the site where you might find helpful articles areBuilding Closeness and Intimcay (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthclose/) and The Early Years (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthearly/). You'll find some overlap, but it's worth checking both areas.
We all bring expectations into our marriage often based on a romantic view of each other and what we think marriage will be like. When these are disappointed as often happens, it's easy to withdraw from the pain and disappointment and look elsewhere for comfort and self worth in careers,hobbies or other friendships. It may be that your wife is struggling with such issues, and doesn't fully understand why she is behaving as she is or know how to share it with you. Building up your communication and understanding with each other can be important as there is usually a way through. If money is tight then find things to do together that don't cost too much, a walk in the park, a meal cooked together. Both of those give you time together to talk and take an interest in what is important to each other.
There are marriage courses (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) available to help with this too. If you're not in the UK, some of the organisations work internationally.
I hope some of this helps you to find a way forward to begin to "connect" again with your wife.
18th June 2001, 09:32 PM
We have been very close. We always considered each other to be our best friend, as well as our lover. I think people do expect to get different things from marriage, and people have different views on what is important.
The security and love that I offer is probably not the romantic spontaneous lifestyle she was expecting. I do get the impression that she wants to keep that part of 'single' life which allows her to do anything and go anywhere, but still be able to return to a 'comfortable' relationship at home.
Things have had to change since we got married, with bills and a mortgage to look after I can no longer afford to take her out every night. With her habits (drinking and smoking) she has no money left to spend on 'us' either, so what little entertainment funds I have for us does not last long each month. The free (or cheap) things you suggested for us to do together are considered boring by her. Please do not get the wrong impression, she is not a 'money grabber' but she has never had to deal with the responsibility of money. Her parents (or myself) have always bailed her out when she has needed it.
It is very difficult to communicate with her without it turning into an argument recently. I really want to get things out in the open and work at our marriage, but trust is impossible when there are lies and secrets. I have this feeling of a knot in my stomache contantly now due to the stress this is bringing. I will read the documents you linked to and talk to her tonight, hopefully bringing an end to the situation, either good or bad. Any more advice AT ALL is welcome at this point.
19th June 2001, 10:12 PM
To cut a long story short, I decided to go to the pub after work where she says she doesn't go. As I arrived I received a text message saying she was just leaving work (12 miles away), but her car was in the pub car park. I walked in and sure enough she was sitting with her male friend. There was a few seconds of staring at each other as the shock of being caught sunk in. I couldnt bring myself to even look at him. She eventually left the pub with me and we spoke for a few minutes in the car park. I stayed calm throughout and asked about the situation. She said it was just someone she knew and she felt she had to lie to me because I disapproved of her drinking. We were starting to get somewhere, both accepting responsibility for making mistakes, when she says 'Im just going to pop back into the pub for 10 minutes to finish my drink'.
I was dumbstruck and lost my temper. I said 'we need to talk seriously about whether to carry on with this marriage. If you go back in there, dont bother coming home'. She grudgingly drove back home with me.
After a big argument, tears and then a talk, another argument and finally a hug we are going to work on the marriage again. You are right in saying that I put alot of emphasis on 'truth' and being open in a relationship. I have been lied to and hurt before (so has she).
I could be wrong, but I think that her drinking plays a big part in the downfall of our relationship. I now believe her when she says that she lied so much to me so she could go drinking. She still refuses to admit her problem. Even if the possibility of fixing the relationship by cutting out alcohol is tiny, surely it is worth a try?
20th June 2001, 02:38 AM
Well done for keeping your cool! It did pay off. If your wife is struggling with some problem, then your approach of being firm, calm and determined is probably what she needs.
It's interesting that drinking may be playing a significant role in what is happening. Lying is often a feature of someone's life when they are struggling with alcohol. It's not clear from what you say whether the alcohol problem is becoming an addicton. There is an earlier posting (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/ubb/Forum6/HTML/000063.html) from someone who was having problems with an alcoholic husband. There are links there to UK support organisations. If alcohol is an issue then you will have to tread carefully and lovingly to get her to admit her problem and try and get below it to what is causing it.
20th June 2001, 05:18 AM
I'm afraid we didn't get back to you after your last posting yesterday. I wonder how things went last night and whether you were able to talk things through. You talk of arguing a lot lately. Arguments aren't always destructive, but it helps to know what the issue is your arguing about and to stick to that and avoid name calling and dragging up past mistakes. If the argument is aimed at understanding each other better rather than winning, that can be helpful too.
The trust issue is coming up regularly in the forum so the team have put their heads together and come up with an article about learning to trust again (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/). Remember these articles can only give pointers - everyone's relationship is different, because of the two unique people that make it up.
From what you've said, it sounds as if openness and honesty between you is a key. You certainly have a strong reaction to the uncertainty and the lies, since you are feeling tense and stressed. Some things you might try to talk about are whether both of you are happy at the moment, what worries you have, what you expect of each other in the marriage. Underneath behaviour lie expectations, values, emotional needs, fears, dreams. It's often hard to change one's behaviour without understanding these deeper aspects of our character. It's easy to take it for granted that we understand our partner or that they understand us. That's why communication is so important, both sharing "who we are" and accepting each other. In marriage we can find out things about ourselves and each other that we don't like, but we can come to terms with those together.
Hang on in there. It is worth persevering to find a way forward together.
13th February 2006, 03:17 AM
My appologies for coming back to this thread after such a long time. I know its not usually a good idea to reply to very old messages, but I wanted to explain what happened so perhaps others could learn from it.
My wife and I did get things back on track. Her drinking was still slightly excessive but it didn't interfere with our lives. She had drank heavily (weekend binge drinking) since she was a teen and every so often someone would point it out but it never became a major problem.
Back in the last half of 2001 we got pregnant. It was absolutely wonderful news to both of us and we were so excited and became closer than we had ever been. My wife cut down on both cigerettes and alcohol to almost nothing during the pregnancy. I was very proud and when our daughter was born we were both incredibly happy. She had decided to work from home when the baby came, but after a few months changed her mind and wanted to return to work. I was a little suprised but I understood that she still wanted that little bit of independance and her parents were very happy to look after our daughter during the day.
Everything was great for about 6 months until the trips to the pub began again. Then more and more alcohol was being bought and hidden in her car and around the house. Over the following 6 months things went downhill fast and she was a full blown alcoholic. I tried everything to get her to seek help. Eventually I even got her to go to an AA meeting with me (for support). She went to a couple more meetings after that on her own but I got the impression they may have mentioned the obvious smell of alcohol on her breath when she turned up, and she took offence to that (as she did when anyone mentioned it). I even got her to seek help from the doctor who put her in touch with some people and gave her some temporary medication to releave the cravings, but she never contacted them or took the tablets. She was most definately still in denial.
It reached a point where I no longer felt it was safe to have her in the house with our young daughter, e.g. turning the oven on and then passing out. I had to ask her to move out for all of our sakes - which was terribly hard to do but by this point I had reached breaking point. My hope was that she would move back to her parents and she might listen to their pleas as she had ignored mine.
After another six months of continous drinking and losing several jobs because of it, she suddenly stopped drinking. She got to play with our daughter while at her parents house and just decided to stop. She went the whole day without a drink and was really happy with herself, as we all were. That night she passed away. It was due to the sudden stop of alcohol which her body had become totally dependant upon. I was devistated.
That was two years ago and I have been bringing my daughter up as best I can, but it still hurts so much. I haven't been able to tell her why her mother is not with us but she is starting to ask questions. The next big step for me will be to explain why people die and that her mommy passed away. There is certainly no reason for her to know what led to it.
I am sorry that my story does not end happily but I wanted (or needed), to write it. Even if nobody reads it, at least it has let me get things out. The advice offered on this forum helped me during a bad time in our marriage and I wanted to thank you for that.
13th February 2006, 04:51 PM
Thank you for coming back and telling us what had been happening to you. How devastating and sad for you and your little girl!
I am glad that you had that positive memory of her with her daughter, even though she only had a short time on the road to a better way of life. For some people throwing off addiction to alcohol is so very difficult, and it's hard too on those who love them.
I am sure you will be able to tell your daughter how special her mum was, but one day when she is older and more able to face it you may well want to tell her the truth. Someone else might tell her and it's best she hears it from you.
In the meantime, there is a book I've heard of called Waterbugs and Dragonflies which was written to help younger children understand bereavement. It is available from Amazon (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/php-bin/jump.php?linkid=4).
My very best wishes as you continue to work through the pain of your grief and endeavour to bring up your precious, lovely daughter.
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