Help....I want this to be okay!

[Unregistered]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 4 years. We've lived together for about a year and a half. The problem is sex......He never seems to want to be close to me. He likes looking at other women, but doesn't initiate sex with me. We have sex about once every couple of months and then it's only because I start it......which I don't feel very good about because I feel he's only doing it so I don't get upset. What I don't understand is that he obviously finds other women attractive, but never is interested in a physical relationship with me. He's told me he does like looking at women and finds many attractive to him, but he says I'm his girl and would never do anything with anyone else......just look. I know he's not cheating, but I feel so rejected. I've told him how it makes me feel.....but it hasn't changed anything. He has told me sex isn't that important to him. So why does he look at others? My self esteem has gotten very low. Maybe if someone could help me understand this, I could be okay with it.

[Liz]

There seem to be a few clues in what you say. He sounds a very normal guy who likes looking at pretty girls, but he's not rushing off to flirt with them.

He also seems to be quite committed to you - you're his girl. There's more to you than just looking good - he likes you as a person as well as your body.

Sex isn't the sign that you're committed to someone and love them - marriage is usually a better sign of commitment. The trouble is everything around us tells us that sex is an absolute essential right and ingredient to relationships. And sex isn't seen as giving but as taking in much of the media. Do you really want sex with this guy or do you want to really know he is committed to you and loves you deeply?

I wonder if you might find the book The Five Love Languages (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/fivelovelang/) useful for you both to read. It might help you to udnerstadn how to communicate love to each other - you obviously don't speak quite the same "love language", but that is not terminal - you just have to learn each other's language.

Best wishes

Liz

[Unregistered]

men are strange