affairs

[Steve]

:confused:

I have been married 28 years and dated my wife for 4 years before that.

I found out that she was having an affair on 9/17/01. She has been back and forth between me and her boyfriend. She was at home the last two months. Yesterday she said she was moving back with him because it was not fair to be home when she loves him and sees me as a friend.

She says I have been a good father and husband but can only see me as her best friend. She wants both of us in her life.

I still love her as a wife and friend. I would like to stay married but she is still so confused.

Is this hopeless. Can someone explain this whole mess.

I have been so mixed up with all the lieing and cheeting that I tried suicide twice. I know better now but still have an overpowering need to understand. Is this possible.

I feel empty and like I will never be happy again.

WHAT CAN I DO??.

[Liz]

Dear Steve,

I'm sorry no-one has picked up on your thread. I think it's quite normal to want to make sense of what is happening, but it's not easy.

Your wife seems to "want her cake and eat it" as the saying goes. She has found a new exciting relationship which obviously fills some need that she didn't think was filled by your marriage. Yet at the same time she doesn't want to hurt you or lose you, probably recognising the love and security that she really values in your marriage.

Basically, she is not being fair - she wants your marriage on her terms, rather than seeing it as a relationship where she needs to give 100% as well as receiving. She wants you to say to her, "never mind it doesn't matter, I'll go on loving you and being there for you when it suits you."

I don't think you can do that - hence the inner turmoil. You want her commitment and to know that you are the most important person in her life like any husband would.

Unfortunately you can't change her or force her. You may have to decide what you want and what boundaries you are going to put in place.

The important thing to remember is that this isn't all your fault and that you have value as a person even if your wife has disappeared off and let you down. There may well be whole well of pain and loneliness to face, but suicide is not the answer. It's just as much about running away as her dashing off to her boyfriend and not facing her responsibilities to you and the commitment she made in marriage.

Have you had a look at the section of the site about infidelity (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/). You may find some ideas and comfort in some of the articles there.

All the best

Liz

[Unregistered]

I've been in your position and I have found the best solution is to let it all go and put your life in the LORD's hands. Sounds corny I know, but it works! He knows what is best for you!

[Unregistered]

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[annonymous]

I've been married twice. Once for seven years and the second time for 6 years. My second husband was a cheater, but, after divorcing him and twelve years later, he is still cheating on every wife he has had. He is on his sixth wife now. I would not have know the future at that time when I was in the middle of the cheating problems. I did not know that was who he was... or that was his way of dealing with problems. I know now after many years of watching his actions. It wasn't about me... it was about him and his inability to commit, not mine. He recently had open heart surgery. He is a young man. After a while... if you don't live your life in a manner of understanding, any manner of understanding, Karma takes over and the negativity a person gives to nature returns to them in a very un-natural way. It is a ture injustice but a reality. God has a plan. It is important not to interfere but to observe and learn from the example and lesson that is being taught. Find the center and grow.

[DEBZ]

steve dont let your wife do this to you no matter how much it hurts you must tell her to go on her way, i had an affair on my husband and it was on and off with this other man but my husband was always there so i took advantage, he was always there for me to fall back on and it was so bad of me to do that. Steve there is always someone out there that can love you like you deserve and when you do send your wife on her way she will soon realise the grass is never greener on the other side. it a new year steve so try to move on and i wish you all the best sweetheart.

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