what next

[Unregistered]

He has just told me that there is nothing there and he wants to leave and wants to live on his own he is fed up of pretending of just sitting in front of the tele everynight. He hashad the children all day and they tell me that he has been saying that he will always love them and we always be ther for them and telling them about people we know that don't live with their father but still see them lots ,how dare he talk to them like that without discussing it with me first. He says he will give it 3 months until after our holiday in august but he can't see it working the way he is feeling now but surely there is always hope i love him very much and want to make him feel special how can i make him fall back in love with me ,he says it is since the children came along which is 9years ago why hasn't he said something before .Is there any hope for us can anyne give me advise

[Unregistered]

I check the site everyday to check if anyone has replied to my post (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1212) i need some advice .he went to golf yesterday and did't come back until 9pm he said he went for drink but i don't know i'm trying not to think that there is anyone esle but it is hard when i asked why he hids things he says that he dosen't want to share anything with me .there was a bill for a garage for milk and offlicence dated yesterday for 15.45 when he said he was playing golf in a completely different place. also there was a t-shirt in his that didn't belong to him.please could someone help give me some advise.

[Unregistered]

it looks as though some real dialogue is needed here between the two of you.
has all this just come out of the blue or have things not been good for a while ?
if he has said he is going to give it three months he must be thinking of something although if its just a case of waiting over this period for the holiday its going to be difficult.
maybe he is waiting for that to come so the children dont miss out.
there must be some real underlying issues here and you really need to find out what they are.
you say that he says its since the children came along its a pretty selfish and pathetic excuse.
Children are hard work but the pleasure they give far outweighs the down sides.
he has not yet made up his mind which direction to take so you must start now to identify what has caused all this.
make time for yourselves.
Tell him that you expect honesty air your fears be honest with eachother.
As far as his actions go regarding the golf and t shirt,there could be a simple explanation or on the other hand it could be something more sinister if he chooses to be dishonest to you then you have got good reason to question the future for you both.
Lots of broken relationships begin in this way and there becomes no way out because things are not addressed in the early stages.
the first thing though is to identify whats gone wrong.

talk to eachother see if you can get some things in the open and decide if there are things you can do to get your marriage back on track.
if he is unable to discuss it with you i would consider involving outside professional help or close family and freinds. i hope others will add to your question there must be others out there
that have been through this.keep us informed.martin

[martinfromsthelens]

sorry i forgot to log in but its martinfromst.helens

[bellaioo]

martin,the last two posts were mine,Ihave tried to talk to him but he says he doen't want to talk about it anymore he can't see his feelings changing but has worked hard for his company and he dosen't want to give it up (it belongs to my dad).He says he dosen't want to be here, Ican't beleive this is happening to us ,we have always told each other we love each other we were texting each other saying love and miss u up until a month ago ,he says he has been trying to act normal i still text him messages but he ingores them he won't touch me he turns his back to me in bed i don't know where to go from here he has just rung to say he won't be home until late he has problems with computers at work we had arranged to have a barby this will be the third night he hasn't been in until late i feel i'm fighting a losing battle how can i make us get the spark back if he dosen't make a effort

[Kate]

I'm glad Martin has responded to you. I think some of us have been having trouble keeping track of your story as you have started new threads several times. I have tried to trace the story back now to one of your original posts so people will be able to respond to you. I hope that helps.

All the best

Kate

[bellaioo]

thanks kate, it does help to come to this site it has been my lifeline this last few weeks.This is the third night he hasn'tcome home until late and he now has just rang to say he is going for a drink with a mate and will sleep at his house will see me in the morning.I know i should have said something but that's my problem i have always not kicked up a fuss.he has never liked conflict and i feel i am treading on thin ice at the moment with him.He has been texting me all evening because he has been working late at my dads office they have a virus on there computer he is trying to fix.He seems to be thinking of himself all the time.After being together for 20 yrs you would think he would have some compassion towards me but saturday when i started crying he went out .,leaving me with the children didn't come back until 11. sunday he went out at 10 didn't come back until 9 today he went to work at 7 and isn't coming home what can i do if he keeps advoiding me .saturday he went to pick his p.a up from the airport at 2.30 and didn't come home until 8 when i had to go out so he had to look after the children for the day as soon as i came back at 5.30 he went out again.Idon't know what to do my life is a mess my mum keeps asking me whats wrong people are noticing the weight i've lost how can i tell people .when i don't know whats going to happen but it is going to be a long 3 months

[bellaioo]

Hi I don't know what i have done to deserve to be treated the way he is treating me.He out most of the time and when he is here he is hostile last week he was giving me hugs and being nice but this week he is really horrible .Monday night while he was stuck on his own fixing the computer he kept texting me making chit chat but when he came home he was off with me i wouldn't mind if i was being nasty to him at least i would have cause to.he says all this isn't my fault he is the one with the problem so why is he so mean to me tonight he rang and asked if i could take him to the pub to watch the football and he was being o.k but when i dropped him off he said goodbye to the children and said he loved them but didn't say anything to .i put myself to take him. Ifeel so angry i am still washing and ironing his clothes cooking his meals i feel like telling him todo his own if he can't be civil to me .Thoughout all of this i havent got cross he has turned my life upside down and he is acting as he is the wounded party

[martinfromsthelens]

I think you are going to have to be firmer with him snarley.
it seems as though he is taking you for granted now and you are still suffering.
I know you think you may be pushing him away further but reading between the lines its possible that this is what he is forcing you to do.
Unless theres a lot you are not telling us (which cant be true because we do know a lot now )
it seems really difficult to see where you are going from here as there doesnt seem to be any progress.
A change in tac is therefore needed i think personally.
You are going to suffer for three months till the holiday comes and then what ?is he going to miraculously change and make things right because if you think he is i would break the bank to go tomorrow !!!

it is so sad to read of your continual worry and upset but ive a feeling soon you will want to change direction.
the love for him will start to drain as you see you are not getting it in return despite your wholehearted efforts to love and care for him. yoi cant go on like this.

[bellaioo]

Thanks martin you have put into words what i have known deep down ,but i have another problem while looking at the computer this morning i found he has been to about 20 sites on how to commit suicide what can i do i am in a panic surely he dosen't feel that bad .he has a doctors appointment this afternoon so i have rang his doctor and have asked him to ring me before he sees my husband so he knows the situation .what esle can i do if he feels that bad being here i rather he wasn't here.

[martinfromsthelens]

does he know you were likely to have looked in the history files on the computer.
I myself visited some of these sites when i was feeling low and funilly enough they werent what i expected.most of them actually go into rational dialogue as to wghat causes suicidal tendencies.
I remember one such site suggesting it to be a form of mental illness.For me it actually made me feel guilty for wanting to go there and put me off the idea.
If you take a moment to read some of the facts on those sites you will see what i mean.
If he has visited 20 it is very likely one or two are the ones im referring to i dont actually know if they are purposely set out for self examination to deterre people but it certainly has that effect on me.

[bellaioo]

I haven't said anything to him about what i found he came back from the doctors saying that he is going to have a vascetomey which we had discussed a year ago butr why have it now when your marriage is falling apart it is not something you have done unless you are in a long term relationship is it .He has also received a bonus from work and wants to pay my car off with it and change the kitchen why when he about to leave .my dad has asked him if there is something wrong and that they are worried about me lossing weight when i asked him what he said ,he said nothing.He asked me how i was and i said how does he think iam not wonderful but coping he said he didn't want me getting ill.The doctor said he would try to discuss the way he was feeling as i told him want i had found it scared me i had to do something i would never forgive myself if anything happen to him i still love him so much.

[martinfromsthelens]

well its sounding a little more positive.
If hes offering to pay the car off and spend money on the kitchen
go along with it actually its what everyone else does when there is unexpected spare cash.
The vasectomy....well maybe thats different its something that is normally discussed by both partners.
Your father will undoubtably be aware that all is not well and perhaps will feel a little helpless to assist you as you are keeping mum.
Maybe there is a little sign that your husband has decided to show you some consideration but he must know about your losing weight.
Also the doctor may be to help although i think under the ethical codes of practice he would be forbidden to disclose too much.

it may be an idea to discuss it with your own doctor who could then maybe liase with his.

[bellaioo]

Thanks for your reply,I don't know why he is staying hes like a stranger this isn't the man i love and have shared the last 20 years with.I think the reason he wants to pay the car is they isn't so many loose ends. He keeps saying that he won't take anything with him except his golf clubs and a picture that he bought in portugal of a golf course.He also says he will still pay for everything as long as he has enough for food and rent.I think this is just guilt speaking we struggle some months already and we have just increased our mortgage by 10,000 so we can replace our windows and to pay for the holiday i don't know what he was thinking when he knew he wanted out .It is so diffcult to be with someone you love so much and to be treated if you are nothing and just want him to put his arms around me and to tell me it will be alright. I miss the physical side so much and have it taken away from you is so hard.There was something on tele last night about suicide and he turned and looked at me as if he knew i knew .I wonder if he only did it to see if i was checking up on him knowing i wouldn't be able not to say nothing .Why have a vastemony if you aregoing to end it .Istill don't why he is having surely if he dose get another relationship he he won't rely on that what with aids and everything.I feel so alone the only person i have told is my sister but she lives ahour away and has just adopted a little boy so she has her hands full .

[bellaioo]

I NEED SOME ADVICE.Ileft my husband a letter last night explaining how all this was making me feel and how iwill do anything to save our marriage.Iwas going out so knew it would give him time to think about it.He was asleep when i got in but i heard him getup in the early ho urs and was gone when i got up.He had left me a letter. This what it said
Iwanted you to know the position we are in at the moment is mainly because i have felt distant for a long time . I do not beleive it is something you did,i feel that i have changed as a person and realised that i am very unhappy here.I love you,melissa and joanna with all my heart,but I do not love you catherine the way you need me to.I do not, and have never treated you with respect and happiness you deserve,and it is killing me to continue this.Ibelieve that you will realise this one day and be relieved that i was honest at this time. I promise you that everything we have will be yours ,the house,car everything, and i will continue to be a father to my daughters. I will pay everything that needs paying for as long as i have breath.
My daughther said daddy was speaking to his friend again last night ,she said he was speaking to a friend last time i was out .
He also received a text from a man at the golf club saying "i have just bought you a present.x"this week aanother new t-shirt appeaerd in his car.this is the last thing i would have though but is he gay!! I just trying to find answer,is he having a affair why has he changed?PLEASE SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE.

[bellaioo]

Ihaven't seen much of him this weekend. He came in late last night and went to see his dad before playing golf ,we had a bareque this afternoon he sat and eat his dinner played with the children for a while then fell asleep for the rest of the afternoon ,then he watched golf all afternoon ,he was texting someone all afternoon and another shirt has appeared in his car,i also saw a receipt for a gold bangle he brought yesterday afternoon (who was it for) i am sure he is having a affair why else he would he be treating me this way he can't hardly be civil ,he is making a fool out a me ,but then today he was talking about our holidad so is attaining to stick around long enough but i cant live like this until then i dont want to keep feling this way he said it is killing him to continue this so why is he i have already told him if was having a affair that would be it so why not tell me and walk away. He is treating me like dirt.

[Liz]

The letter writing thing seemed to work. Is it worth trying again - your husband may find it easier to put things down on paper, rather than saying them face to face.

you must be in a turmoil not knowing quite what is going on. I'm not sure that he is really treating you like dirt. He sounds really mixed up and confused, as if he is really struggling to do what is right by you.

Hang on in there

Liz

[Unregistered]

Just came into this thread and I'm sorry for all you are going through. For whatever it's worth, I'm having problems in my own marriage and I WISH it was because my husband was gay. I can compete with another woman - I can't compete with a man. If that's what he wants, there's nothing much I can do about that.
It would be torture for you to continue to allow yourself to be treated like dirt. My advice, just my opinion, take his letter, along with his written promises of the house and support for the girls, and run straight to a lawyer (solicitor) and get on with your life. Easier said than done, I know, but he is right on one point - some day you'll appreciate his honesty and allow you to cut your losses before anymore time is wasted.

[bellaioo]

Thank for the advice i don't think he is gay that was just thinking aloud, but i do think he is having a affair i just want all this pain to stop ,last night i dream't that he said he was sorry and he wanted our marriage to work at that point i woke up and he turned and looked at me and it crushed me.He came home early tonight we had a parents evening to go to.But when we came home he eat his tea and went and watched tele in our bedroom and that is where he has stayed with his phone texting someone i just wish there was a way that dosent hurt so bad when the husband you love and trusted turns his back on you it is so painful sometimes it gets so bad i dont want to continue but i have two wonderful daughters who deserve better.i have to be strong for them and not involve them in what is going on but they want to know why i am so unhappy and why i keep crying.

[Unregistered]

I honestly DO feel your pain. I know the pain of infidelity and the damage it can do. My husband's last affair (it wasn't his first, but it was the first one that I had hard evidence of) caused me to have a MASSIVE heart attack. I know the tension you feel. You feel as if your body has turned into one gigantic brick. You can't feel, but you can't move either. Maybe you feel as if you're carrying a gigant elephant around on your shoulders. Trust me, dear, stress and tension CAN be fatal. For your sake, you must try to relax, learn how to take this calmly and try to think clearly.
They say it takes 2 to tango. I disagree. After 14 years of marriage, things between me and hubby were getting a bit stale. Big deal, happens to the best of marriages. I even used to ask him if everything was alright with "us" and he'd say, "sure, fine." So why did he seek excitement in the arms of a woman 20 years younger than me? Because some men are just plain jerks. OK, our marriage wasn't all fireworks and passionate love-making. Did he come and talk to me? Did he try to clear the air? No, he just went with the first chippie who wiggled her fanny at him. He was DILERIOUSLY happy. He had a wife at home with whom he shared a life, memories, friendship, and a hottie-tottie to stroke his.... ego.
After all was said and done, he has devoted his life to me. He felt extremely guilty about the heart attack -oh, and his little girlfriend just happened to dump him (maybe it's because he really is an a-hole.) Anyway, I have very little love left for him, and I silently pray that he'll have another affiar so I can throw him out and get on with my life. Your husband is treating you terribly. I suggest you cut youir losses early, explain the facts of life to your little girls (I'm sure they know about divorce, but then again, I don't know how old they are) and get on with your life. Perhaps it won't take long and you'll find someone who deserves you!

[bellaioo]

I appericate your support,I have just sat down with him and we talked,he said he dosent want to be here with the atmosphere ,i told him it is him creating the atmosphere with the way he is treating me so he said he would get a flat and move out, i asked him to wait until the children breakup from school in 3 weeks time .So they havent got to deal with school.he is staying until after the holiday in august.But still says he isnt having a affair why do i keep asking i cant tell him i have been in his wallet and seen the receipt for bangle and for the garage miles away from he says he was.He has promised to act normal what does he expect he has has told me that our marriage is over and he wants me to act normal.When i asked why all this has all happened he said there was no affection but i was always telling him i loved him buying him gifts hugging him massaging his shoulders what did he want ,he says he doesn't know what will happy but he dosent want this he still says it was great until the children came along ,i think he is a very selfish man.He was in nearly in tears and keep bringing up the trip to paris he gave me for our wedding anniversy last year he said he expected me to jump all over him in excitment but i am quite a shy person and we were in a packed pub.But i did show him i was overjoyed with the present.Can i get him to love me again?

[Unregistered]

I see a little more clearly your situation, although I'm sure none of us here know ALL the details.
Whether people want to admit this or not - unless BOTH partners want children - and for the right reasons (you'd be amazed at some of the reason why some folks here in the States have kids - and LOVE has nothing to do with it. It's more of a status symbol, or else they think that's just what they are SUPPOSED to do!) kids can bring a lot more tension, strife, quarrels and dissatisfaction than they bring joy into a marriage. Your husband thinks things were better before the kids came along. Let me ask you, and I'm not being judgemental or pointing fingers, BUT.... after the kids were born, did you STILL treat your husband like a lover or like the kids' father? I know women who basically treat their husbands as nothing more than sperm donors. Once their kids were born, these women had no need for their husbands - except of course for his paycheck! No wonder their mariages fell apart! If you are guilty of this, then you must do whatever it takes to change that. Your children, SOMETIMES, have to come SECOND. I know some women out there will think I'm terrible for saying that, but it's true.
My Mom told me that it takes a VERY strong marriage to bring children into it. I am so glad that I decided NOT to have kids with my husband. I do love him, and he's a good companion, but he'd make a terrible father. He's weak-willed, weak-minded and childish (so many men are!) Could I see him as a Daddy? Heck no! Could he take a backseat during those times when the children needed my undivided attention? Emotionally, he's a child himself. Does any of this sound familiar to you?
He took you to Paris, eh? Well, that was pretty romantic.
As for not wanting to confront him about what you found in his wallet, weel, if he's planning on moving out, why not? He's gonna leave anyway, right? Just my opinion here. You do whatever you think is best for you. I think it's a good idea to wait everything out until the kids are out of school, but if I had proof of his infifelity, I'd throw it right in his face. If he gets angry about your disrespecting his privacy, you just tell him that that is NOT this issue right now. Don't let him get out of it. If he didn't give you a REASON to distrust him, you wouldn't have gone snooping! Period!
I know there's 2 sides to every tuppance (haha - just a silly American trying to make a joke!). Anyway, I can only go by what you write here. How can you get him to love you again, you ask? My advice is to treat him more like a lover than the father of your children. See what happens. Let us know. Good luck!

[bellaioo]

thanks for your reply, It was his decision to have the children and his decision that i gave up work because i worked shifts he couldn't cope after no2 came along she wasn't a easy baby i have alway s treated him like a lover not the childrens father,i would leave little notes in his lunchbox o.k i was more tired but he never helped with the children or house.up until a month ago i thought every thing was ok our sex life was great .then he hits me with this.promised to give us time to recover but a week later tells me its no good there is nothing there.he has been friendly today ringing three times ,so even if that all that comes out of it .we have never had rows and arguments i always though he was happy why didnt he tell me sooner he said i wont listen but thats untrue i am always asking him if he was alright.as for treating him like a lover he hasn't been near me for 3 weeks and dosent like me touching him that is why i think there is someone esle.I got until august to improve things i hope i can show him what he is leaving

[Unregistered]

Good luck. I wish I knew what to tell you. It sounds like you've done everything for him and he's done nothing for you. My question is... why on Earth would you want to hang onto someone like that? You found evidence of his cheating and betrayal. He doesn't want to be intimate with you. He wanted you to have kids and quit working and yet, he has done nothing to help you. It's easy for me to say, but I'd just as soon let him go, get on with my life. Make sure he supports you and the kids financially and let him make someone else miserable. I'm sorry - I know this hurts, but he sounds like a complete jerk - and after all you've done for him, isn't it time you treated yourself better - even if he won't?!

[bellaioo]

I Know what you are saying is true he has told me that i deserve better but i still love he has been my friend my lover my everything since i was 14 ,i cant imange life without him ,tonight he has been careing if nothing esle ,he still says they is nobody else involved,but why is he so sercetive he had a message appear on his phone and he made a show of having to set his alarm for the morning and took the phone upstairs if it was a friend why did he pretend he said he hasnt had a bad life with me so why want out .It hasn't all be bad he has been caring and loving up until 3 weeks ago it hurts to have it all taken away .Iknow this sounds awful but it won't hurt so bad if he died at he didn't leave because he had to.Your advice dose help please keep it coming

[martinfromsthelens]

Sometimes in life we are faced with decisions we dont like to make Snarley and there have been some good points made from the guest poster in the states.
Believe me I know you are frightened at the prospect of losing him
but you will get over it in time and the healing process starts as soon as he goes.Looks like the alternative is a long haul of misery.
Only you can decide how long you are going to let yourself bear the misery of all this.
I know you have been with him sice you were 14 but thats not a good enough reason to keep fighting this in view of the climate you see yourself in.I admire your courage and resiliance through all this but if you are honest you got to admiy yjis guy no longer deserves your resect or your love !!

[bellaioo]

At least he is being nice now i have told him i won't be a doormat.This morning he left his phone downstairs when he went to have a shower i felt awful doing it but i checked the mail box and there were 3 messages from someone called worldham jon who had left a message before saying she has brought him a present i thought it was from a man at the golf club but i know now its not these messages were playful asking him if he would like to paul weller for his birthday all signed from me xx. I now am nearly sure he is having a affair why does he keep denying it i asked him again yesterday but he says no.i have taken the no from the phone but i don't know what to do now if i confront him he might walk now and i can't do that to my girli they are only 7 and 9 they deserve better he isn't playing golf on sunday and says he will take us out i suggested he take just the girls but he wants me to go too.The affair has all the things he say was missing from our marraige but dosent all new relationship have that spark that special feeling dosen't last is he always be looking for something he cant keep that wouldnt make him happy. please advise do i ring the no and find out who she is or do i wait.

[Kate]

I wonder what you really want to do yourself. Do you want to know what is going on? Do you want to know if your husband is having an affair? Is it most important to know what's been happening or to have your husband’s affection and commitment back?

Have you thought about what you would say to this woman? How would you feel and what would you do if she told you there was an affair going on? Before you make the call, you need some idea of how your going to handle the information that you gain.

If your husband is having an affair, but there is a chance of his walking away from it and rebuilding your life together, would you be willing to do that? What would you expect of your husband? Would you be prepared to rebuild your relationship even if he didn't admit the affair had been going on? Do you believe that marriage partners can make a mistake and then try to put it right, or do you believe that once someone has had an affair they can never again be trusted?

I hope that by asking you a few of these questions, it will help you to decide what to do and to live with the consequences of that decision. It's an unenviable one to have to make. Good luck.

Kate

[bellaioo]

Thanks Kate, your questions did make me think ,i know in my heart if he did want to save our marriage i would do my best to put in the commitment .That is want i would expect from him but i don't know what came first the affair or him wanting to leave ,is he leaving because of the affair?Ihaven't rang the number because i dont feel strong enough to deak with the truth ,i feel like this isnt happening to me the sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach reminds me .I know i need to know the truth but if i push it now he might walk away now .He says he will put the house in my name and he would continue to pay the mortgage and all the bills.I don't want this to end but i know something has to happen .he has been changing some things into my name only so i know nothing changed he still wants to go but he has changed his attitude about his work (company belongs to my dad,he is the manager)he said he will contiuue to ran the company until he is told otherwise.he will need to continue if he is planing to continue to pay bills.I know that if he had carried on treating the way he was i will end up very bitter

[Unregistered]

Your husband is having an affair. Trust me, I've been there - I know. I know about the secret phone calls and his moody behavior. I know about how, sometimes his temper goes off like a time bomb, and other times, he's sweet as sugar (that's just to get you off his back). I know about his sleepless nights because he fels guilty and I know that he probably still DOES have loving feelings for you, but he's either selfish or childish and just wants MORE. When my husband was having an affair, he knew I knew. I BEGGED him to tell me the truth. I told him that "any truth, even a painful one, is better than a lie." But he never told me the truth. It was only months later, after my heart attack that he even INSINUATED that he was fooling around. He could never actually utter the words. AS for denial, well, just look at our past President, Bill Clinton. I STILL think he was a great President, at least for our US economy, but morally, he was a skunk. He never admitted that oral sex was actually sex!
You are right - a brand new relationship is filled with all the spark and magic, and in time, that runs out, too. I'm sure things were like that between you and hubby way back when. How old are you?
I must respectfully disagree with Kate. I don't think an affair is a "mistake". Wearing one black sock with one blue one is a mistake. Setting the VCR to tape a show on Wednesday when it aired on Tuesday is a mistake. Having an affair is more than a mistake. Your husband knows exactly what he's doing, if only momentarily. He's a grown man and knows what commitment means. He's not making a mistake. He's betraying your love. If he changes his ways and decides to stick to his commitment, then it's your choice if you choose to forgive him. It's difficult to regain and rebuild trust, but it can be done. For some folks, surviving an affair can actually HELP their marriage. For me, I'm STILL working on the trust issue, but I have a feeling that, in time, my husband will have another affiar, and when it happens, I will not forgive him. In fact, I "warned" him that "I won't go through that ever again. I am completely out of forgiveness." He may feel like he's walking on eggshells, but that's too bad. My marriage is not exactly a good one right now, and I don't know if it ever will be. My point is, an affair is much more than a mistake and it shouldn't be relegated to something as trivial as forgetting to pack yuor toothbruch (example of a mistake).
I would not call that phone number if I were you. At least, I wouldn't TALK to her. What good will that do?
I think you are smart in not jeopardizing your husband's income. However, someday, if you do divorce, your family will know. If it were me, I'd tell my Dad that hubby needs the job so that he can pay your bills. If Dad wants to make him miserable at work, well, that's a Daddy's perogative!!
Have you considered going back to school? What about some counselling for yourself? It's time to take care of yourself and your girls. Just keep it simple. They don't need to know, nor are they old enough to understand all the details.

[bellaioo]

You advise is very welcome ,i am 34 my husband is38, I don't think he will stay he says he dosent want to be here he is unhappy and wants out it is only since he told me that .i realise there was something going on he was always down the golf club but i trusted him although he says i have never trusted him how can that be true when hes been on two golf holidays this year and last year.At least we aren't sleeping together now i couldnt stand stand to think hes been with her then comes to me.My girls are aware something is wrong they have seen me crying a couple of times and the eldest asked why daddy wasn't being very nice to me .She keeps telling that daddy has been speaking to his again on his phone as soon as i go out.
I am going to go on a childcare course so i can get a job ,i know i need to think of me now.THANKS AGAIN KEEP IT COMING IT NICE TO KNOW SOMEONE CARES

[Unregistered]

Good for you! You're still young enough to grab a good life for yourself. You still have that letter? The one where he promised you the house, financial support, etc? It's time to start living YOUR life!!! You've been with him since you were 14? When have you had time to be good ole snarley? Not someone's daughter, someone's wife, someone's mother? Just YOU!!!
I don't know how they work in in the UK, but here in the US, well, first thing I'd do is get as much evidence against him as possible. Gosh, I know this sounds means and conniving, but this is how you take care of yourself - and being nice to your soon-2B-ex isn't how you do it. You take that jewelry receipt right out of his wallet. What? Do you honestly think he's gonna ask YOU if you've seen it?! You get copies of your telephone bill with "her" number on it. You get whatever hard proof you can. You call a lawyer, you tell him that your husband has been unfaithful and that he admitted IN WRITING (!!!) that h'es unhappy. Tell your lawyer that you have a letter from him, promising financial support. If UK lawyers are anything like US lawyers, you ought to get yourself a good one without much trouble - especially with a letter like that!!!!
If he's gonna pay the bills, you can afford to go back to school. Then, you can get yourself a job if you like. Or not - hey, if he's supporting you, why should you go out and work. Wait a few of years until your girls are driving. I'm actually excited for you! I WISH I had divorced my husband when I was your age (I'll be 48 in 2 weeks). It's almost too late for me, but you still have time. Some day, I'll tell you my whole story, but for now, my husband has been behaving himself, so I'll keep him for now. I'm pretty much just waiting for him to screw up one more time so I can throw his bum (as you say!) out, but meanwhile, I'm trying to enjoy whatever I can out of my relationship. We've been married for 17 years and enjoy many common interests and hobbies. We have no kids - the best decision I ever made. It's just the down time that is a problem. Also, it's been a long time since we've been intimate and sometimes I wonder if we've become more like brother and sister than husband and wife (And I don't mean brother and sister as in the hillbilly sense of the word! Haha!) Sometimes I actually wish that he'd find himself a girlfriend so I'd have an excuse to throw him out. I do know that, whatever happens with us, we'll always care for each other. Just like I'm sure your husband will always care about you, once he gets over feeling guilty about cheating on you, which, I'll bet, he's feeling now. That' doesn't mean that you should try and get him to take care of you as much as possible. He broke his commitment to you. Now he has to pay the consequences. Call a lawyer soon. Let us know what happens.

[Dave]

Well our friend "Unregistered" (Hey, why not sign up and let us have a handle to know you by) certainly speaks with the passion of a woman scorned or hurt.

Involving lawyers is a one way street - once you start down that road there is little chance of any way out other than a classic lose-lose solution. You end up bitter and so will he. Stacking up the evidence, making it as black and white as possible, rubbing his nose in it, etc etc. Emotionally it all sounds so good - vengeance at last for what he's done.

Hard as it is, stand back a little and ask yourself if this is really what you want for the father of your children, your lover and husband, the man you once promised faithfully to stick with to the end of your life.

There are other ways forward - the choice is not simply continued misery vs divorce. There are routes through forgiveness and healing - it's a much harder road, narrow and harrowing, and you'll need support and friends - but it's a road that can preserve your integrity, and your dignity, and leave you not bitter and diminshed, but whole and strong.

Most here will say that I'm just being defensive as a man, or denying your rights as the injured woman in the story. But actually I am offering you a challenge that rises above the passion filled feelings driven fury of vengeance to something that is actually wholesome.

Only you can chose , and we'll be here for you whatever your choice.

Choose wisely

Dave

[Unregistered]

Hey Dave! I will register soon. and you are right - in fact, you sound even saintly. You asked if snarley wanted to treat the father of her children in such a vengeful way. Did snarley's husband take that some question into consideration as far as hurting the mother of his children? I think not.
I am not suggesting that snarley gather evidence so that she can deliberately HURT her husband. Merely, to protect herself and her best interests (something that her husband obviosuly isn't doing.)
Bellaioo, take Dave's advice - it does not good to hold grudges. Forgiveness IS the key to true happiness. But it is difficult. If you and your husband cannot stay together (which, it doesn't look to me like that's what's gonna happen - although I will BET you a ton of money that, a few months or years from now when he has tired of his girlfriend he comes running back to you!) if you and he can split amicably, of course, that would be ideal. You can still use an attorney but don't let them make things ugly if you don't want them to be. And never, NEVER let the children be used as pawns in this situation. You know that.
Forgiveness is a true virtue, but there is nothing wrong or sinful with protecting your own arse. Self-protection is not necessarily vengeance. You've been used and emotionally abused. Your love and trust has been betrayed. while there is no need - ever - for revenge, you shouldn't feel bad about obtaining the protection and life that your husband promised you. It was HE who told you to have his children. It was HE who told you to leave the workforce, correct? It is up to HIM, in my opinion, to make sure you are taken care of if he - by his own choice - isn't there to do so.
sign me, J in the USA

[bellaioo]

Your advice is extremley welcome,Yes i have got the letter still the receipt is gone from his wallet.I have been very happy with my life up until now i wasn't a career girl all i wanted was to have a family and make my husband happy which i though i was doing ,his p.a found out he husband was cheating on her in april and he was so angry that someone could do that to another person although she used it as a chance to get rid of him she wasn't happy .I don't want revenge but i don't know at this time if i could forgive ,i gave him every thing how could he do this(have i got evidence hes cheating,the texts,the gold bangle,lying where hes been,)He has never been a hands on dad ,he promises to be a big part of they life he says he will probably be here more then ,then he is now how can i beleive him i don't know when hes lying ,is he at golf until 10 today? i don't want to end up bitter ,i am a catholic and beleive marriage is forever i beleived in my vows.i can never remarry in my church.Each day i am hoping and prayering for a miracle that he will realise what we had and what he is about to walk away from.What every happens i will have to find the strenght to deal with it.i hope i have that strenght.

[Unregistered]

I hear ya. I'm sorry that your religious beliefs have to get involved here. The Catholic church is very strict, and, JUST MY OPINION, but stuck in the dark ages when it comes to certain aspects of our modern world like marriage, divorce, birth control, etc. I don't know about overseas, but here in the US, marriage only has a 50% chance of liflong survival. I'm sure it's because a lot of people are selfish and, as soon as the going gets rough, the wimpy get going. It takes more strength than we can ever imagine to get through the hard times. People are amazed that I didn't throw my husband out as soon as I found out about his first "indiscretion". I believe in true commitment. It's easy to stay commited when life is easy - it's a whole 'nother story when life is hard. However, I firmly believe that God put us here to love each other. I don't believe that God wants us to suffer. If we are suffering as a result of a betrayed love, then I believe that it is not a sin to end a marriage. I'm certainly not a religious expert, these are just my feelings.
Have you considered speaking to a marriage counsellor? Perhaps you can ask your husband if we'd be willing to go with you. He admitted that he was unhappy. Have you asked him if he has ANY desire to at least TRY to fix things, or has he totally given up? He said he wants to leave. Even if HE won't go, you ought to, for your own emotional health and well-being. Good luck today.

[bellaioo]

My husband isn't a catholic so it won't stop him divorcing me although this hasn't been mentioned yet.I have asked him to come to relate with but he refuses, he did say he would give our marraige until after the holiday in august but has done nothing to try and make anything better,he couldn't see his feelings changing from how he feels now,he talking about getting a flat so has no attention of tryig to fix,i was having quite a good day today until my daughter gave me a card she had found in her bedroom from a couple of christmas ago from him to me. it read
we have been together for 12 years ,and i just want you to know that i know what is happiness and i found it. some times things seem so much hard work,but i love you so much we will both work at it together.please never stop loving me, for i cannot live without you. I LOVE YOU. What went so wrong i am in pieces again to read how much he loved me why is he doing this now

[Unregistered]

Things, time and people do change, but why not show him the card and ask him point blank, what went wrong? maybe seeing that card will rekindkle some of his old feelings.
J

[bellaioo]

Had a good weekend together,he is being kind and considerate tookthe children to they swimming and gym on saturday he seems to be making a effort .he played golf saturday afternoon and when he returned he cuddled up to me in bed ,pretended to be asleep .sunday i found a ticket for a adventure golf for 2 so i dont know if he really playing golf where he said he was he anwsered all my questions on how his game went ,so i am now confused is he lying about where he has been?.we took the girls swimming today and had a good time.when we returned he popped out for a hour down the golf club.He is being touchy feely and last night we made love which we havent done for weeks .my friend says he is using me but if i want to fight and save my marriage surely we have to get that intimicay back between us i know he might still walk away but why not enjoy what time we are together what do you think.

[Unregistered]

Hi there. Haven't written to you before but have just been catching up with all that has happened to you. Im sorry for everything you are going through.

It sounds like you still have hope though and although I feel it may be a long shot whilst you have hope you have chance here.

Even if you get through this it wont last unless you get answers to all your questions so you can learn to trust your husband again. Otherwise your insecurities will keep popping up in the future and jeapordise any happiness you may find together again.

It sounds like you are burying your head in the sand by not confronting your fears of his infidelity and just taking any little bit of affection he gives you when he feels like it. No matter what the outcome you need to find out what is at the root of his feelings.

You should be using this opportunity of him being approachable again to ask those difficult questions you havebeen keeping bottled up and not carrying on as if nothing has happened. This is the best opportunity you have had to get close to him so use it wisely. I know you probably feel that you dont want to rock the boat but if he is going to leave he will and nothing you can say will change that. But if he doesn't leave it will only make your relationship stronger by being honest and keeping that honesty flowing into your new found relationship together. If he truely is seeing this as a new opportunity and he hasn't got anything to hide then he wont leave just because you are asking for answers. You have every right considering the way he has been treating you and if he loves you he wont blame you or hold it against you.

Let me know how you get on. Lulu

[Unregistered]

Lulu's post was brilliant. I agree, you have every right to know the answers to your questions and even though you don't want to spoil your happy moments with him by bringing up a touchy subject, I'm sure you would want to know the truth. I know I would. the road of marriage is strewn with little pebbles and sometimes, huge boulders. If we can get past those boulders, our marraige is usually stronger for it. We still don't know if your husband actually WANTS this marriage to work, or if he's just being nice to you occasionally so he can either get some sex from you or just get you off the track (keep you from being suspicious). the golf receipt said that it was for 2. It may have been with his girlfriend or perhaps just another guy.
I'm curious - how do yo think he would react if you told him you were interested in learning to play golf? Just curious.
anyway, I am glad that you had a more "normal" week-end, but there are still things that are stressing you out. There are still answers to your questions. My unprofessional advice is to ask him, when the time is right, when things are good, if he would please go with you for marriage counselling. If he truly wants to resolve your marital problems, he will go.

[bellaioo]

Your advice is so welcome. you are both so right i dont want to rock the boat. there isnt a atmosphere we do talk about when he goes.We havent had sex for weeks before this weekend so i dont he is using me for that.anyway he wasnt the only one getting anything out of it.he says he hasnt has sex since we last did it 4 weeks ago .so maybe the friendship with this women hasnt gone that far yet.but why someone a £115 bangle if you werent involved ,who did he buy it for ?.i rang the no from the text messages and it is a woman ,he has her down as jon.If i start asking too many questions now he might go before the holiday and i cant take the children their on his passport.he kissed me goodbye yhis morning which he hasnt done for weeks.
I love him so i want to have fun and enjoy his company while he is still here but i wont be walked all over .as long he he treats me with respect i will go along with until the holiday then i will want some anwsers if he walks way then so be it will break my heart but we cant continue like this i know that.

[Unregistered]

Hi its Lulu here. Ive had a few glasses of wine so you'll have to bear with me.... :-)

I just wanted to check in to see you were ok and see if my mail helped at all.

Im glad you responded and thank you to the other unregistered for your comments on my last email. Im no expert at this - lets face it im reading this site so obviously I have marital issues of my own, but in reading your problems it hit home how you really dont see the wood from the trees when you are so involved in something and so in love.

You need to be removed from a situation to truely see whats going on. I dont want to presume to know anything as I dont really know you at all, but I do think you will only drive yourself crazy carrying on down this route. And I think you know it too!

I wish I could say something magical and empowering to encourage you along the road you wish to travel but im not that cleaver im afraid.

I had a friend in your situation once and she turned to me for advice. All I could offer was to say that if she had to question what she should do then she wasnt ready to leave but one day she would be. One day it would get too much and she would know it was right as she wouldnt be able to see any other way. Trust me when I say she had a far worse situation than you but I was right. She just wasnt ready, but she soon was. She now is madly in love with another wonderful man and they are soon to be setting off trotting the globe for a year. She is so happy now, but ask her 18 months ago and she was nearly suicidal.

People go through a long period of adjustment when they are faced with a life changing event that they have not chosen. Its understandable that you will fight it all the way and that is what I feel you are doing. You are convincing yourself every step of the way that this wont happen and I feel that you know in your heart its inevitible.

Can I offer you one piece of advice. Tell everyone that you love, including your father. That way you cant pretend anymore. It will force you (and your husband) to accept your situation and that can only be a good thing. Trust me, you will need the love and support of everyone around you when your husband finally breaks the deadlock. Even if your husband wants to try again, like I said before you will need to talk A LOT about all your insecurities and get all the answers to all your suspisions. Having the shoulders of your loved ones to lean on and their ears to listen to you will make the world of difference. They all have your best interest at heart and when you are blinded by love it will help you to keep a level head. I hate to admit this but your family's instincts are usually right ( and I say that with some caution).

I wish I could say otherwise but I really dont think its going to work the way you want it too. But I have a feeling the outcome will be better than what you are coping with now. Its obvious your husband is up to something and your getting so desperate that you are reaching out for any drop of emotion he gives you. I think you know you deserve more but you are so tied up in it all you cant do anything about it. Thats why you should take the plunge and at least admit your problems by telling more friends and family. Its the first step on the road to recovery, whatever the outcome. It will also ease your pain beyond belief, trust me.

If you talk to him and are really really honest, no secrets, you MAY have a chance, but if you carry on like this im afraid you will have no chance. How can you build on a relationship when you are too frightened to talk to the one person in the world who is supposed to be your soul mate.

I have everything crossed for you. I hate to hear of someone feeling so sad inside. It shouldn't be this way and I think you know it.

Keep talking, and we are all here for you. Take each day at a time and good luck!

Sweet dreams. Lulu.

[bellaioo]

I read your reply, and cried, i know deep down what you say is so true but i am so scared ,i dont want to lose what we had but i know ive already lost it sometimes i really hate him for what he is doing he acts if everything is fine .Maybe you were right about the sex part too he didnt kiss me goodbye today,he is still friendly,i was grabbing at anything i could.If he is up to something i dont know if he will every admit it ,i need to stay friendly for the sake of my girls ,he is still their dad even if he hasnt been there half the time ,maybe i should have been stronger and insisted he spent more time with the family i thought i was being supportive because i knew he found it difficult.I know i should tell my family ,my sister does know and has been a rock ,my mum and dad love him like a son and it would break their hearts to know what he doing i cant deal with anybodys esles hurt and pain im struggling to deal with my own.Some days i feel like this is all a nightmare i will wake soon and others i feel that the pain is unbearable.I have been thinking about what it will be like when he goes he says he will be here more often for the girls.He says he wil always support us how can he afford to continue paying and pay for a flat.I thought i knew this man i would never have beleived he could do this to me we were child hood sweethearts.Why didnt he speak to me if he was unhappy he says he has been feeling like this for months.

[Unregistered]

Morning. I know your scared, really scared but can you imagine for one moment what it must feel like to wake up in the morning without the fear of rejection for once. You must be shattered and emotionally drained. I bet you would love to be happy again and to not feel so churned up inside anymore. How much would you like to wake up and know you can throw your arms around the one you love and get the same in return. Every day I bet you wake up scared anyway in anticipation of what the day will hold for you. Why not take the plunge and be just as scared but with the chance of happiness - with or without your husband.

On the family front, I know what its like when you parents think of your husband as a son. All the more reason to tell them. Family dont judge they love. If they love him as you say they do then they will want to be there for him too as they will be just as surprised by his recent actions and want to help you get to the bottom of it together. Take the chance - please. When I have had problems ive actually sent my husband straight to my parents and they have been incredible.

And dont think for one moment that you have to 'deal' with anyone else's hurt if you tell them. Unless they are incredibly selfish they wont show it, they will be there for you. I bet you all the tea in china they will be rallying around you and supporting you both. You dont have to protect everyone else - just yourself, for your daughters sakes. I have a daughter too, 9 months and I know what its like to want to do the right thing for them. Trust me, you are not at the moment. Give them a chance of a happy future, with or without their parents together but if you dont try to talk honestly to your husband then what hope do they have. Do you think they are happy at the moment anway? I bet they are dying inside. They know about the calls and know there is a connection with your unhappiness as they keep telling you about them. They must be in turmoil. Break the silence, if only for their sakes.

I hope you have a good day - im off to relate - horah!!!!

[bellaioo]

Iwill think about what you have said ,i know i cant go on like this,your advice is very much needed as i am still confused about what to do i know i will tell my parents about whats going on very soon.he had a letter from the hospital about his vastomey he going ahead with it in 2 weeks time he took the letter to work why is he thinking about something like this now .I relay on this site to keep me sane .I know there is alot of people going through simular pain and i feel for them.

[Unregistered]

Hi bellaioo! It's a beautiful day here in Los Angeles. Nothing much to report - just checking in with you to see if you're OK. You know, dear, life does go on, even through our trials, traumas and tribulations.
Thinking about your situation, you and your husband were childhood sweethearts. I don't envy you. My life has been filled with very many boys/men, all of whom brought SOME sort of experience to my life. Not all good, granted, but my life is filled with lots of different, interesting memories. I know you love your husband, but I think it's time, for your sake, to start looking at life a little differently from what you are used to.
I've told you this before - it's time to start focusing on YOU! You're still a young woman - you still have an entire life in front of you. You'll be a single Mom (here in theh States, being a single Mom is considered to be pretty "hip". Then again, here in the States they have some weird ideas about what is hip and trendy. I've never found anything "unhip" about traditional family values, but that's just the old-fashioned girl inside of me. I'm also open-minded enough to believe that no one, man or woman, should force themselve to live within a miserable relationship. Life is too short.) ANYWAY, from what I've read, it honestly doesn't seem to me like there's much of a chance for your marriage to go on. You and your husband have had, what? how many years together? Be glad you had that and try to move on. There's no point clutching to someone who isn't clutching you with equal strength and commitment, is there? It's time for a new life - Bellaioo's LIFE!!!!
Yes, I would tell the family. They may "love" their in-law, but they will always side with their blood (most families would, anyway).
In any event, keep us posted. My suggestion for today is, take the girls and yourself out for a manicure! I know ti sounds trivial, but it just may brighten your spirits and they'll have a great time with Mom.
J in the USA

[bellaioo]

Thanks, I do hear what your saying but i'm not ready to be a single mum or to give up on my marriage that easily i beleive marriage has to be worked at and i will do my best to do that ,i am thinking of me ,it won't be too easy to admit failure and give up that would make it to easy for him to walk away .I am aware that we have serious communtation problems but we are talking ,i know he cares for me and has said sorry for the way he was behaving towards me ,we have until august then i have to either admit defeat or carry on working working on making my marriage on my conditions.I don't think the girls are being affected we aren't fighting we are getting along quie well at the moment.If i tell my parents then it would make it very akward at family gatherings,so i will keep this between us at the moment, i so appreciate the advice you have been giving me ,I am strong i can cope on my own but i dont want to.

[Unregistered]

Hi there,

I think its clear from listening to you - you just aren't ready to leave yet and thats that. You are convinced that the best way forward is to stay quiet and hope it will all be ok. You say you hear what we say but in reality no amount of reasoning will work to convince you otherwise.

If you truely felt you could be on your own as you say, then you would not ignore the overwelming evidence to suggest your husbands infidelity and question him now. Why pretend until August? Why carry on sleeping with a man who MAY have been unfaithful? If you are convinced his intentions are good then what do you have to lose in putting your mind at rest now?

You will need answers eventually, but the longer you leave it the harder it will be to discuss and resolve the issues between you. Just because its ok now, it wont be the longer you leave things without discussion. If you talk now, clear the air then maybe you can go on holiday as a family and REALLY want to be together having put all this behind you?

What a much better holiday that would be. If your husband doesn't wish to talk now then he wouldnt have done so in 1 or 2 or 3 months time either so you really have got nothing to lose. Except a chance for all this to be sorted and for your future to start NOW rather than in 2 months time.

Im not too convinced either that you truely believe your daughters are fine (forgive me for being presumptuous). I am speaking from experience as a daughter whose father was unfaithful and whose mother continually ignored it ! Being the dutiful daughter I continued as if nothing was wrong in order to ease the pressure I knew my parents were under and to keep up the pretence as they were as I thought that obviously must be what they wanted. Its easier to believe they are ok im sure, as that way you dont have to do anything about it. Just give it some more thought.

I must also stress that you should stop trying to hide all this from your family. Dont be ashamed - everyone has problems at some time in their life. You are denying it to your family just like you are denying it to yourself. Whilst I understand and sympathise with you I dont think its the right thing to do. Easy for me to say I know!

Drop us a quick line to let us know how you are doing. I truely hope things are going ok and its getting a little easier around the house.

We all have our fingers crossed for you. Take care,
Lulu.

[Kate]

I've been following the postings for a few days now and I just want to support you, if you really want to fight for your marriage. You obviously believe in the commitment you made and hope that things can be worked out. Although there are no guarantees that things will work out, I believe we have to stick to our principles and do what we believe is right in such circumstances.

I don't want to tell you what to do, just encourage you to follow the values and principles of your heart despite the pain you are going through. I've found that the greatest peace is found in being true to those values.

Thinking of you,

Kate :)

[Unregistered]

Kate and Lulu both have written excellent posts. None of us REALLY knows what goes on behind closed doors. My husband has been unfaithful and yet, I have not thrown him out. HOWEVER, he knows he's skating on thin ice and if it ever happens again, well, here in the USA we play baseball and it's 3 strikes and your OUT! So, he's already got 3 strikes, but as his loving wife, I'm giving him an extra chance NOT to strike out completely. When you've been betrayed, it's easy for other people to say "you should do this or you should do that", but when you're living it, it's a different story.
Snarley, if you think there's ANY chance of saving your marriage, of getting your husband to WANT to save it as well, then I agree that you should keep this to yourself - or at least NOT tell your family. IF you do work things out, the family will never forget about the problems you "once" had. However, if you know there's NO CHANCE that things will work out, then yes, by all means, look to your family for the emotional support you will need.
It's almost July. Your holiday is planned for August. Just my opinion, but I say, ride it out. Wait one more month to see where this is going. I just want you to know that, if your marriage DOES splilt up, you should not look at it as a failure. These things happen. If anything, your husband is the one who failed you. However, again, you must look within yourself to see if you did anything to drive him away. If so, perhaps you can change these things. But if you know you loved him, you treated him as more than just a sperm donor (so many men feel betrayed and abandoned themselves once the kids come along and their loving, passionate wife becomes a full-time mother to their children and ignores his needs), and you know you've done all you can do to add to the happiness and well-being of your marriage, then you should certainly not think of it as a failure. Good luck.

[bellaioo]

Thanks for all your advice ,things are getting better between us ,that dosent mean to say that everything is going to ok,your right about my family i know my parents will be so hurt and angry that he is doing this to me that if there was a chance we could work it out then i dont think my dad would be able to forgive him,he has done alot for him he has set him up in his own company, i know that it has sometimes been very a diffcult with them working so closely together not in the same buisness but my dad is always in the background ,sometimes my husband has felt he has only got where we today because of my dad but he has worked long and hard for what we have and deserves everything he has .I have a deadline after the holiday then i will be asking the questions i need to ask ,i know my family will be there for me ,and it hurts not being able to share this with them . But i have made my decision to wait and see if i can show him that we have got something worth saving ,at least i cant look back and say i didnt try.I still love him i cant help it we have shared so much ,i have never been with anyone else and i cant see every being like that with anybody esle but who knows what the furture holds i just pray that one day i will be happy again.

[bellaioo]

Thought everything was going o.k but today the children had arow and he losy it put them to bed at 5.30 said he didnt have to put up with this **** ,i decided to take the dog for a walk because he wouldnt talk to me thought i give him time to calm down ,but when i came back he was watching tele, i sit down try to make small talk he gets up and goes to lie on our bed where he has stayed what did i do wrong

[Unregistered]

Im so sorry. You HAVE to break the tension in your house. Your feeling it, your husband and your kids are too. You all seem like your treading on egg shells around your husband, that wont solve anything. Something is seriously wrong here and more importantly with your husband. You need to find out what is at the route to all this.

Get asking questions, no more small talk. I know you dont want to ask because you necessarilly dont want the answers which obviously means you have suspisions you dont want realised. You cant carry on living like this. Pin him down and find out what on earth is behind his attituted and all those phone calls, receipts etc. The answers could make a huge difference to your lives and it can only be positive compared to how you are living now.

Please speak to your husband honestly - what have you got to lose?!

ps. Hope you are feeling a bit more positive this morning. Good luck, Lulu

[bellaioo]

He did start talking to me last night saying he hated this atmosphere, but as i pointed out to him he is causing it i didnt argure with him i supported he dicision about the children and they were put to bed ,i told him i hadnt done anything wrong.He was ok after that .This morning we made love, but when i came down stairs he said maybe we shouldnt be making love he dosent want to mess with my head i told him he wasnt messing with it he had already done that,i said it wasnt making love itwas sex as he didnt love me,he said i suppose it is all my fault i replied yes this isnt want i want you are the one that wants to leave me ,his reply was i just wants to be a normal family i pointed out all families fight that the children arent always going to get on it his problem that he cant cope with it, at that point my daughter came in so we had to stop, but he said goodbye and kisses me on my cheek before going.I hope he will continue to talk to me.

[Unregistered]

Good morning Bellaioo! It's J in the USA (one of these days I'll register!)
So your hubby says he wants to have a "normal" marriage. I hope he realizes that normal marriages are not all fireworks and moonbeams and violins and all that. We haven't heard his side of the story (you do know that there's always 2 sides) so it's not easy to give any kind of real advice, but all I can say is, I thoroughly agree with Lulu. You MUST talk to your husband about the BIG issues - not small talk. You know in your heart that eventually, this must happen. Why drag it out? Have you asked him point blank, "What can I do to make things work between us?" Or, "If you want our marriage to work, why won't you go to a counsellor with me?" I'd start with those two questions and see where it leads.
Again, good luck. Today is my birthday and one of my wishes is for your happiness.

[bellaioo]

Thanks J i know i must ask the question althought i did tell him i wanted our marriage to work i would do anything to make it better he didnt anwser me so i will keep telling him until i get a anwser .Somedays i think i dont need all this heartache and i should just tell him to go if that is what he wants but the i think of all the good times we have had and it makes me want to fight .Thank u for your wish i hope it comes true ,happy birthday hope you have a good one.

[bellaioo]

I am really struggling to cope, his sister rang me today and asked if i was ok iwas quiet she kept saying are you sure ,you can tell me .Itold i was ok didnt want cause problems with his family it is his mums birthday today so we are all getting together later.But she must of rang him and asked if i was ok because he rings me to find out what i said i was upset and couldnt speak to him he then texts me saying should he tell his sister about us told him it was up to him ,he then texts me to say i love my kids and will always be there for them i have a room ,i think i should move.this is making the inevitable worse.I rang him and asked if there was any chance we could save our marriage he said no he is unhappy and dosent love me that the last few years he has felt left out and i havent shown him i love him that he always have to make the first approach in bed he cant stand the children arguring and that we have nothing in common with each other he is fed up of sitting in front of the tele every night ,i have always loved him with all my heart and when he would come in he would never get involved with bathing and doing homework etc he always left everything up to me to do ,I truly beleive i did show him i loved maybe not in the way he wanted but why didnt he tell me then not now when he says it is too late . He also said it is killing him living with us knowing that i am still hoping that things will work out and that the sex is also messing with his head what about me i said it is up to him when he moves out i dont want him to but i cant stop him he then said he didnt really want to that he has nobody that he can speak too and his head is in such a mess but i knows that this is the right thing to do that the marriage is over .I asked him again if there was anybody esl he said no but what about the braclet and the receipts and the text messages i didnt say that to him because he would know i have been looking and then he will hid everything then i will never get to know.I feel so bad i dont know where to turn he said if it makes it better i can tell everybody that it is all his fault he can take it.

[Unregistered]

Its ok. He's now broken the deadlock. What have you got to lose. Get asking. Foget whether you were right or wrong to snoop there was obviously a reason you did and it seems you were quite right to do so. Do you really want to keep quiet so you can snoop some more? Where will that get you or your relationship? You cant build trust like that. Anyway, I dont think hes in a position to take any high morale ground here and keep that in mind.

If you want to save this marriage you have to try. How can you try if you dont know what you are dealing with?

You couldn't keep pretending and you know it. This has forced the situation on you which in a way is positive because I dont know if you would have had the strength otherwise. Stay strong and get on that phone.

Keep in touch and good luck, Lulu.

[bellaioo]

How can i save my marraige when he isnt interested he just wants out he even said he thiught of crashing his car because he cant take anymore ,he seems to have made his mind up ,i cant fight he says he dosent want to give me any force hope but he will be here for the girls more theb he is now he would give up golf and spend more time here he will put them to bed and read them stories only he wouldnt sleep here ,he cant expect me to be here when he wants to play daddy.If he does go next week (children finish school next week).then he says he will still come on holiday for the children if i start asking too many questions before then.Thanks for your support ,i think i would have gone crazy if it wasnt for being to write it all down and to receive good advice.I will keep you posted.

[Unregistered]

I dont want to keep going on about this but if there truely is no hope left, perhaps now is the time to approach either your family or his ( i understand his sister has reached out to you ).

Maybe if you confide in her you will both get some support without affecting the relationship between your family and your husband.

Has you husband mentioned any concerns about his future employement with your father after all this is out in the open?

[bellaioo]

H e has said he will speak to his sister but not today its his mums birthday .and he says he feels that this is the right thing he is doing that he is willing to give up everything his house his job his car etc but as i have pointed out to him he needs to work to support his children so why would my dad put he grandchildren in that situation he would be hurt and upset that he has done it to us but i dont think he would sack him what grounds would he have.i do have my sister to speak to and his sister is close too but i didnt think it my place to tell her she has been divorved herself for 6 years so she has been there and has always said i let him away with to much i should make him spend more time with the family maybe she was right i was too soft ketting him do his own thing i thought it made him happy ,he always said he was lucky ,he seems to have turned the tables now saying it was me not showing him i loved him and he was fed with doing things for me what i dont know. before he said it was him that had changed and i hadnt done anything wrong and dont know what to beleive ,i he lies well .

[Unregistered]

Bellaioo, dear, please grab some tissues because what I will say will cause tears. I don't mean to hurt you at all, but your marriage is over. He told you he doesn't love you anymore. He said he was unhappy for a long time. He is unwilling to go to counselling. marriage is a 2-way street and he is not willing to meet you even half-way. He is being hoenst with you - probably for the first time in a long time. Why didn't he come to you years ago when things started getting bad for him? I don't know. When my husband got "a little bored" with our marriage, rather than speak to me about it, he happened upon some young chick who wiggled her little bum at him and he decided that it was easier to have an affair than face our troubles. Since then, fate lent a hand by way of my heart attack and we have worked for the last 4 years to repair the damage that was done to our relationship. However, I told my husband everthing I knew about his past indiscretions, including the things I found out about by snooping. He didn't get upset at my snooping (He was too afraid I'd throw him out!) . I told him, "If you were behaivng yourself, I wouldn't have felt the need to snoop!
That said, my advice to you is, do not have sex with him anymore. contact a marriage counsellor for your own head. Ask them for a referral for a lawyer. Make sure you have that note where he promised to care for you and the girls and get your life back. Granted, it may not be the life you had or the life you wanted, but the life you have right now is killing you. Don't have a heart attack like I did (I was only 43!). Find your inner strength. go to church if it helps. Find a support group. As for your family, you can simply say, "We're having some problems and I'd rather not talk about it until we get everything straightened out" and leave it at that.
It's time to take care of YOU now!
J

[Liz]

Can I very respectfully suggest that Bellaioo is the one who will know when she has lost all hope for her marriage. None of us can tell her that her marriage is over. I know some of you are concerned that all this pressure may make her ill or hurt her, but let's try and support her and help her to make her own decisions about the future. Everyone's situation is different just as each person in each marriage is unique.

Bellaioo it sounds to me as if you are both very mixed up. I know you say posting here helps and I'm really glad about this, but like the last lady said perhaps you might like to see if there is some support and counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) locally as well. You can go on your own even if your husband won't go with you.

Liz

[bellaioo]

We went out with his mum and sister tonight and had a pleasent night he even drove so i could have a drink he played with the girls and his nephews ,but his sister kept on about the weight i hd lost and about what was wrong with me said she was worried about me since speaking to me this morning i said i was alright she said i could tell her anything was everything alright between the two of us and i told i was alright it wasnt my place to tell her anything.she also kept asking him if i was alright.I do know he cares for me but dosent love me, i cant really beleive this is happening to me probably something to do with the wine i have drank.Thank you liz , i do want to save my marriage but io dont know how anymore .relate has such a long wait i dont know if i can wait that long .we have just got in from his mums and he has gone to the pub says he wont be long.i need to go to bed i feel so tired.thanks for everything

[Unregistered]

Hi again! I agree with Liz - and I believe I suggested counselling quite a while ago. You should go, even if your husband won't.
I know you want to save your marriage. My comment before (that your marriage was over), wasn't meant to hurt. I guess it was just my opinion. But like I said, any relationship is a 2-way street, and no matter how much YOU want it to work, if the other person doesn't, it's like banging your head against a brick wall. I do believe you ought to talk to a therapist, if only for your own mental well-being.
Why does your sis-in-law keep pressing you? Do you think she knows something? Is it possible that your husband spoke to her?
Seriously, please go see a therapist. You will feel so much better, even if the outcome isn't what you're hoping for. Good luck.

[Unregistered]

Hi there, its Lulu.

How are you today? How are things going?

[bellaioo]

Things are ok ,i went out last night so left him with kids when i got back he was asleep on the settee,he says the bed is hurting his back which it has been for months.Anyway had a good time ,going out again on friday let him look after the children for a change ,i am organising a family funday on sunday at our church and he has agreed to come even cancelling his golf, maybe he realises he hasnt been a very good father . My daughter said the other day that her wish would be for daddy to be here more often not at golf.it broke my heart to know that her daddy will be leaving soon .Feeling stronger today .Just taking each day at a time will ring relate today.

[Unregistered]

Im glad to hear you sounding more positive. And its also nice to hear your husband making more of an effort, even if its only with your girls. They need you both now more than ever especially if/when he leaves.

I hope Relate have an appointment for you soon. Now you are feeling a bit stronger (although that will change day to day) im sure they will be able to help you to deal with the changes you will go through.

Its great to hear you going out and doing things for yourself, it must be hard.

Are you accepting of the situation now or are your feelings still changing depending on your husbands behaviour day to day?

Lulu.

[bellaioo]

I have still deep down still have hope that maybe if he goes he might decide it is not what he wants ,i dont know if things could be fixed or wheather he has killed my feelings i have for him i know that sometimes i really feel like telling to go but when i think back to what it was like i want that back,i dont if it is possible he has caused so much pain.

[Unregistered]

I think if he's willing then it is possible. If thats what you want though. Only you will know that one im afraid. Maybe you wont be able to answer that until you do go to Relate.

I know when I went I was told that people go with one goal or aim in mind and leave wanting a totally different one once they have had a chance to talk things through properly.

Who knows if he does go, you may end up wanting to leave him and he may well want to stay!!

Anyway, did you manage to get through to Relate today?

[Unregistered]

Hi Bellaioo, Lulu, et al. Bellaioo - I was so happy to hear about your activities this week. The best thing for you, I think, is taking the opportunity to do things for yourself. It may not change the status of where your marriage is right now, but at least you can stay in touch with yourself and try to do things to make YOU happy and not rely on someone else to do that.
By the way, what is Relate? Must be a UK thing. Is it some sort of counselling?
Not for nuthin' (as we say here in the States), but tomorrow we celebrate our country's independence and I guess if it weren't for you good folks, we wouldn't be getting the day off from work tomorrow - so.... THANKS!!! (ha ha - just kidding around.)
Everyone, have a good week-end! Do something good for yourselves. And by the way, Lulu, I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoy reading your posts. You sound sensitive and smart. I can't think of one thing you've written that I've disagreed with. Keep uo that great spirit!)
J in the USA

[bellaioo]

Well,he has gone.i don't know where .he came in tonight and said that he would have to stay here on the night of his vasteromy and maybe the night after i asked him when he was planning to go then and he said we had dicussed this and as soon as the children break up which is wednesday, so i said when are you telling the children ,because if you go you are not coming back when you have the vasteromy which is in a weeks time ,i told him if he wants to be here for after the op then wait until then to tell them .i havealso told him again that i dont want him to go ,the dicussion continued and he said i had stopped loving him along time ago ,but i havent i still love him so much ,his anwser to that was why didnt i show him that i loved him why didnt i make him feel special ,but i did ,i was always sending him messages on his phone telling him how much he meant to me but he keeps saying i didnt show him,he tells me i dont know what love is but i love him with all my heart ,i cant stop crying ,he said he was invisible to me and i didnt pay attention to him that i have killed his love for me .Why is he blaming me i have done everything to make his life happy.Because i was getting upset he said he should go now i said he cant keep doing this if he is going just go because i cant stand the pain he is causing me ,he said thats right you tell everyone thats its my fault you had nothing to do with it all i meant was it was his decision to leave.he said he will come back in the morning but i think that will only be to collect his things he has made the break now i dont think he will come back now he has to tell the children ,which he said will be the hardest thing he has to do ,he said we will tell them together i said no you tell them i will be there for them but i woulnt say anything.The last thing i said to him was go then if you think you can be happy somewhere esle he mis heard me and though i said someone esle and he said that was the last thing he would want, so who were the text messages from and the gold bangle for ,i think there is someone esle that is why he dosent want to try and save this marraige.Sorry to keep on but it dose help what am i going to do i want him back

[Unregistered]

I'm so sorry for your pain. As I wrote a couple of weeks ago (although one of the moderators of this board basically told me that I was wrong and that I probably shouldn't have said what I did...) now do you believe me when I tell you that, from an outside observer's point of view, yit looks like your marriage is over. You were absolutely right when you told your husband that he would have to tell the girls himself. He's a coward for wanting you to be there. this is his decision and he is the one to tell your children.
Personally, I would not let him stay in the house - EVER! Not even after his operation. And as for the other texts and the bracelet, what is stopping you from confronting him about those things?
I am so sorry you are in pain. You really should see a therapist if only to clear out your head and reassure yourself that you did nothing wrong. Please write back and let us know how it's going.
J in the USA

[bellaioo]

He came back saying he had a room near where he works told me that he would move tomorrow but have asked him not to tell the children until sat because they have friends coming and they are both staying at friends houses over the next couple of days . He was so angry tonight and we ended up arguring he then decided he couldnt stay here any longer so told the girls he was going out and took a over night bag with him.He is so bitter he says why is it all his fault it told both of us ,but i wasnt aware that we had a serious problem. I am going to tell my parents tomorrow and he says if my dad goes for him he will go i asked him what he meant he said he will walk out on all of us, after all the promises that he will be a better father he is willing to walk away if someone gets anger with him, i said if it was your daughter and grandchildren wouldnt you want to say something.I said this is what you want stand up and take the consequences of his actions .I dont understand why he is so angry when this is what he wants

[Unregistered]

He is living a lie and that is why he is angry. He doesn't want to be the "bad guy", but he is. He is probably feeling guilty over his affair. He may be feeling like a failure as a father, a husband, a man. Who knows. As I said in another post, we only know your side of the story, so you are whom I have to believe. He may very well be upset over the fact that he couldn't have it both ways - having a wife and family at home and a girfriend on the side. I think most men want this, but at least a few have enough integrity to realize that it can only be a dream. I'm so sorry for your situation right now, but I have faith that this may just be the very best thing to ever happen to you.
Do you still have that note that he wrote (about providing financial aid for you and the girls?) Please find it and keep it in a safe place. And soon, find a lawyer.

[Unregistered]

Hi , its Lulu.

Firstly - I agree with J, you should not let your husband stay after his vasectomy. Once he has gone, he has gone. Unless of course he is coming home to stay home. Do you think he may be getting this done as a way of punishing himself for cheating on you? Like you said, it seems a strange time to be going through with something like this when you have other emotions going on.

It will only tear you apart if he comes back again. In fact I think its a cheek him expecting to come home and be looked after by you. If he has closed the door on your marriage then he has no right to expect that.

Secondly - I also agree with J in that he is blaming you to cover up his guilt. Im sure you have your own suspisions about this but it is mine that he hasn't been truthful about the messages or the bracelet etc. Of course, how you handle this is up to you but it sounds like a classic response from a man who is feeling guilty.

He is going on the aggressive and blaming you to deflect the suspicion about why he is doing this. Like you say there was no reason that you could see as to what all these 'problems' were he keeps going on about. Maybe there are no problems other than his infedelity. He obviously doesn't want to own up to that so he is trying to convince you that you never loved him and conjuring up all these other 'problems' you have had to justify his behaviour. Only you know how you felt about him so dont let him make you doubt whether you loved him enough or not. Anyway if he wasn't happy for all those years then he should have been man enough to tell you.

Thirdly - Definately make him tell the children. It isn't your job to do this and I think you have been through enough without feeling responsible for it all. Just be there for them afterwards and im sure you will be.

Lastly - Please tell your parents now. You need them like you wouldn't believe. It will help you sooooooo much. You were going to tell them today I believe. How did it go?

Oh and by the way - ask him for answers to the messages and receipt. If you know the truth I think it will help you to deal with why this has happened instead of doubting or blaming yourself.

I think he has been a coward, im sorry to say it. I just dont believe that any married man with a family who he loves would not try again at the first admission of a problem, especially if the other person (you) is willing to talk and work it out. There must be a reason he is not willing to try and I think you know the answer.

Please let us know how you are and how it went with your parents. Im so sorry it has got this far, I really hoped you could sort it out.

Nevertheless, you WILL be ok. Now you have some direction you can start to make the changes to your life that will hopefully make you happier in the long term.

Good luck, Lulu.

[Liz]

Hi there can I pick up on something you said on 7th July. What was coming through was that you think you have shown him lots of love and he says that you haven't. It sounds like you are speaking different languages in the way you express your love. It can cause huge misunderstandings. You sent him text messages to tell him that you loved him. What if he experiences being loved in a different way. It’s a bit like a Norwegian marrying a Chinese person. I f they only know their own language they won’t understand each other. If they learn each others language then they will be able to communicate.

In his book, the Five Love Languages (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/fivelovelang/), Gary Smalley talks about Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Giving Gifts, and Physical Touch. For my husband, physical touch is his main language. It wouldn’t matter how much I told him I loved him, if I avoided physical contact he would not believe what I said. I appreciate quality time from him. If he ignores me all evening and then starts cuddling up, I don’t feel loved. If he has made time to listen to me and be with me and then cuddles up, I feel warm and loved and responsive.

Sometimes couples spend years showing their love to their spouse in the way they think is best and can’t understand that their spouse doesn’t respond. Can you guess or work out which way your husband would like to be shown love. If not try asking him. From what you’ve said one of the ways you experience love is by having quality time with your husband, because you have hated the way he’s gone off each weekend to play golf. He seems to be neglecting you, yet he may think that showing love involves acts of service and that by going out to work to provide for you and the family he has been showing how much he cares. The fact he wants to come home while recuperating from the op. may be because he’s offering you a last chance to show your love in one of his love languages, that of acts of service.

I may not have got the specifics right for you and your husband because I’ve only got what you’ve shared in your postings to go on, but surely it’s worth some thought – you might discover something to help you through this situation and perhaps help you understand what has happened.

Liz

[Unregistered]

I think Liz is speaking a lot of sense here and gives really good advice. I think this situation happens in most marriages and had your husband been willing to at least try or tell you how he felt when the problems first appeared then it may have worked.

However - unfortunately I think this has come a little too late.

Is it still worth trying even after the way you have been treated?

Is it just prolonging the hurt yet even more by considering this?

Does he deserve for you to be going to all this trouble when he cant be bothered?

What about the strong possibility that he has been unfaithful and lied about it?

If that is true should you even consider trying to read his mind and find out what language he speaks?

What good would that do?

Shouldnt you be concentrating on yourself - finally?

Would or could you forgive him if it were true?

Only you can anser this Snarley. If you have any fight left in you then try it. I just dont want your hopes lifted yet again only for them to be flattened.

It sounds like you have been living in a one sided relationship for some time now. It seems you have finally started to come to terms with the situation and I hope this doesn't take you one step back again.

As Liz suggested, you could use this as a way of understanding what has happened and that will help you to move on. I personally think you are fighting a losing battle here as it takes two to work at something. It isn't something you can guess at yourself.

Im sorry if this undermines Liz's advice, I dont intend to. If you can get anything from it then it can only be a good thing.

[Unregistered]

Unfortunately I dont think you are speaking different languages at all.

I just think he is just saying you havent shown him love to excuse the way he has been behaving.

[bellaioo]

I have told my parents tonight my dad said he wasnt surprised and asked if the women he works wiyh was involved ,i told him that what i thought i the beginning but i dont think so now ,they both know that there was something wrong but knew i would tell them when i was ready, they are both wonderful parents i have asked them to leave the problem between the both of us and not to let in interfer with his work because he has to support the girls .Ihave just had a text telling me that he is staying at his mums tonight he told them tonight and would be home in the morning. His sister has rang me to say that she is here for me and the girls and she said that hes been crying and is a complete wreak , she asked him if there was anyone esle and he said no but i told her what i know and she thinks he is as her husband did the same to her and i should ask him about the texts and bracelet .
I understand what you are saying liz but i know i showed him i loved him ,and he showed he loved me in the same ways ,we were always hugging and giving each other massages he use to lie with his head in my lap and i would play with his hair because i knew he loved it i put messages in his lunch boxes and leave each other notes whenever i went shopping i would always think about what he liked ,i would buy him presents i feel that everything i have done for him has been thrown in my face.
His sister is worried that he is in such a mess that she wouldnt put it past him to try and do something stupid he is weak and has always run away when things get too much ,i had already said to him that he has to think what that would do to his children and if he really loved them he wouldnt do it as it would destroy they lifes they need their father here ..Another lonely night in a empty bed . i will keep you updated.

[Unregistered]

Well done . I dont even know you but I feel strangely 'proud' of you.

I dont mean to sound condescending in saying that but I think you have been incredibly strong during all that has happened.

You can never sit there and feel you didn't try. You can look to the future now knowing you did everything in your power to make your marriage work.

There is still a lot you dont know which must be hard but now other family members know, information may start to creep out of the woodwork.

I dont mean confessions of infedelity although that may well be the case. I mean true reasons from your husband as to how and why this has all happened right under your nose without you being aware of any problems in the first place.

Im so pleased you have finally told your parents, in fact both of you. I really think this will help you no matter what your future. Your parents sound lovely and having them to lean on will give you even more strength in the coming months.

By the sounds of it you used to have a fantastic relationship and really knew how to 'love' each other the way you loved to be loved. There must have been a reason that changed for your husband and maybe one day you will find out.

For now though you can only think of you and your girls, the most important ones. Try hard not to worry about your husband now, he has his family to do that remember. You need to focus on you right now.

In light of his sisters comments and the suspisions of your dad are you going to question him on the text messages or the receipt now?

Do you think it will help you to close the door finally or dont you think it matters now?

I truely hope you find happiness and im sure you will. Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

All the best, Lulu.

[bellaioo]

He came back this morning ,will be staying at his mum and dads ,says he has been crying alot what does he want me to feel sorry for him.He took the girls to the park this morning and if i wanted to talk we would when he came back.that he was ready ,he says this has been happening for a long time and i havent shown him i loved him, i pointed out that he was hardly ever here , and i had to do everything for the girls,what did he want , all my attention as soon as he decided to come home.he seems to be dwelling on all the things that were not so good not about everything that was good .
He wants me to give him notice if i want him to have the girls as he leads a busy life and has a social life.He said he would cancel his subscription at the golf club but then said he would continue to be a member and go to there social events.I asked him he if he wanted to take the children out on sunday afternoon and he said with you ,told him i thought he would want to spend sometime with them.He said he couldnt think past today his head is in a mess,i told him i thought he had sorted out what he wanted but he said not about us about the girls i know he is worried about telling them .Have asked him to pick up our daughter from gym later and he said he would then seem to have second thoughts because he had to come across from his mums then go back again but said he would sort it.
He has admitted he has been speaking to the women he works with and has confided in her.but he wasnt having a affair with her said i beleived him but why did he lie about it ,also said he had lied about where he was going a few times said he was going to golf but has gone off for the day on his own to try and sort his head out.I feel so bad i feel that if had been aware of his feelings i could of done someyhing he said i should had noticed how he was feeling .He wasnt over attentive to me and left everything to me to do but it didnt stop me loving him.

[Unregistered]

Hi ! You know that life is never on an even keel and that, right now, you are going through the pain of the "down" times. But you KNOW that things will pick up and eventually, your life will be on the upswing again. Just hang in there. We all go thru hardships, but we are all blessed at times. I'm hoping that these rough times pass quickly for you.
That being said, I think that one of the reasons why your husband is saying hurtful things like "he never felt loved" or "you neglected him", it's like what I said before - I think he's saying these things to justify to himself what he's doing to his family. From everything I've read here, it seems to me that he is truly unhappy. Why? We don't know. I think his infidelity (something that he'll never admit to anyone. Heck, he's probably lying to HIMSELF about it!), the infidelity is just a side-effect of his unhappiness.
Sometimes we fall in love, marry, have a family and for some reason, we just become unhappy. Maybe the things about the person we fell in love with just disappear. Maybe those little habits and annoyances that we once found to be so cute and endearing are now just irritating. I don't know why your husband is unhappy. When he says he felt neglected and unloved, if I were in your shoes, I'd ask him, "What do you mean? Haven't we always been affectionate? Haven't I always continued to send you love notes and stroke your hair? Haven't I always been hear to listen to you? Haven't I maintained our home and the upbringing of your children while you work, play golf, etc?" I'd pinpoint all those things and see his reaction.
So he has a busy social life, eh? Doesn't sound like he's too unhappy (outside of the house) to me. And as for crying, well, maybe I'm jaded, but anyone can "make" themselves cry if they think hard enough.
If you want info on his co-worker, maybe your Dad can shed some light on that.
I'm so sorry for you and your girls. I am not sorry for your husband. Yes, he's confused and no, I wouldn't want to be in his shoes. Regardless of what his sister says (of his weak character), it takes a lot of strength to make the decision to end a marriage. He's not as weak as you all think. He's doing exactly what he wants. Sort of. In my opinion, what he wants is to have the perfect picture of domestic bliss, his "happy home" with wifey and children, and a hot girlfriend on the side about whom he can brag to his golf buddies.
I pray for your strength. And I think it's a good thing you told your parents. Even HIS sister said she'd be there for you. You have a strong support system. Use them. Write to us here, talk to your family. Seek some emotional counselling and think about yourself before you think about anyone else! Good luck.
J.

[Unregistered]

Hi, how are things?
Lulu

[bellaioo]

Its been hard today, it is so lonely sleeping on my own,my mum is so upset and so are his parents his dad has rang me several times and said he dosent understand it says he will talk to him tonight also has said hubby came to him last night and promised him that now and for the whole time he was married to me he hasnt been unfaithful his dad beleives him,i dont know i found a bill for a restrant for a couple of weeks ago .
he is coming tomorrow to tell them that he is leaving ,the funfair is in town and i promised to take them i said we should take them first and then he can tell them but he thinks that he should tell them first then he wants to take them to the fair on his own will they want to go after been told that he is leaving. then he wants to take them out sunday afternoon about 12 i had already told him we were going to my parents for dinner and he can take them out about 3 o clock he had asked me to come along now he says we cant play happy families that was why he wanted to take them to the fair on his own after telling them will they want to anywhere.
he asked if there was anything i wanted to ask about us ,i said no because as far as he is cocerned there isnt any us he said that was right .i am afraid i got angry with him I called him a b...d for how he has gone about this saying he needed time away then coming back and wanting to save the marriage then two days later saying he cant ,then saying he wont wait until the holiday but leading his own life . then kept saying he had tried so hard to put things right but as i pointed out if the problem was that i wasnt showing him any love then how could he put that right.he was hardlY ever here so i dont call that trying if you are trying to save your marraige then you dont spend all weekend at golf and go to the pub everynight before coming home.
He is now wanting to come to a arrangement about when he can see the children that he needs to know when he can see them, i would never stop him seeing them but he isnt telling me when he can see them that he will have to work around what they already do. then in the next breath he said all that will change is that he wont be sleeping here anymore nothing esle has changed who is he trying to kid.i am really worried about how there are going to take this ,how can he think he can take them out after .i hope he isnt going to tell them nothing has changed except that he will be staying at his mum and dads.What is the best way to tell them, i asked if would stay the night so we were both here but he says it would only confuse them to be told daddy is leaving then for him to stay but surely he can say he is going tomorrow and be there for them.Says he will come on holiday but is worried about what my brother is going to be like as they have a villa down the road from where we are going and are there at the same time.and the children will want to play with there cousins. i havent told my brother yet but i am going to telkl him later tonight.thanks for listening to me going on about the same things over and over again. it really helps.

[J in the USA]

Thanks for filling us in. As for your husband's constant denial of infidelity, to quote a character from your countryman's writings, "me thinks he doth protest too much." If you get the opportunity to ask him anything (like the way he asked yesterday) you have every right to ask him, "Who were the texts from, who was the bracelet for and with whom did you go to the restaurant?" He says he wasn't fooling around, but infidelity is not just about sex. If he opened his heart to another woman and closed it to you, I call that being unfaithful
Anyway, you do sound like you're in pain, but I hear (read?) a lot of strength in your posts - believe it or not! Be strong and tough... we're all pulling for you.

[Unregistered]

Hi,

Some good advice from J. Things certainly seem to be moving along for you now, it must be quite frightening at times. I know how it feels to be lonely when a relationship breaks down. My previous partner and I were together for 7 years and its a hard adjustment even just getting used to being in bed on your own, so I know how you must be feeling. Trust me when I say it WILL pass as will the lonliness. You say he was out most of the time so you may be surprised at how quickly you get used to him not being around at all. Who knows - give it time.

I know that I would find it almost impossible to move on without answers. How do you feel about that? I know previously you were just waiting for the right time, hoping that you could work it out. Now that you have more or less accepted the situation, how do you feel about asking the questions about the texts, bracelet and now the dinner receipt? Is it important to you? Is it playing on your mind or not?

I was wondering - what was your husbands response when you questioned his commitment to your relationship? You said that you disagreed with him saying that he was never there, always at golf, down the pub etc. What was his response to that? Did he agree or acknowledge it?

Its hard to say what the best way is to tell your girls that he is leaving. I dont think there is a right way that will make it easier for them.

I think all the arrangements with the girls will sort themselves out over the course of time. Its probably too early to start worrying about what time table you will be working to. Just take each day at a time and dont expect too much from yourself, it will take a lot of adjusting.

As for the holiday - do you really want him to come? Will you be able to cope having him around when you know that you aren't together? Is there a part of you that still thinks maybe, just maybe when we are away......?

I dont know what your brother is like but im sure if you explain the situation to him he will understand. He must know your husband well enough to get along with him. Men dont normally get involved in other peoples problems so you may find that your brother is fine with your husband. Im sure the children will still be able to play together even if the adults dont meet up. Have you thought how the girls will feel going on holiday with both of you after telling them you aren't together any more? Do you think it may confuse them so soon after being told? I dont know as I could never imagine having to be in that situation. Im sure you and your husband will do the best thing. You know your children and im sure you will find the right words for them.

I hope today goes as well as can be expected. Im sure its going to be the toughest yet for both of you. I'll be thinking of you and your girls and pray it wont be too hard for you when they have been told.

Good luck and when you can, let us know how your got on.
Lulu.

[bellaioo]

He told the children,explaining how much he loved them, and that he would always be there for them but he was going to sleep at nannys because he was unhappy with mummy and dosent love mummy anymore,he said it was nothing to do with them there hadnt done anything wrong and he will always love them.They asked lots of questions and came and huged me saying they were sorry daddy didnt love me.He spent the next couple of hours with them bathing them and talking.When lefted he was crying promising to be back in the morning to see them before church.I took them to see my mum and dad and they dissolved into tears.Asking why daddy had to go i told them it wasnt what i wanted but they will propably see more of him and when he dose come it is just to see them.
You asked about his possible affair sometimes i think he couldnt be having one he has promised too many peole that he isnt,but then i look at the evidence and i think yes he is,if i ask him about the gold bangle etc before the holiday and he admitts to anything then i dont think i could go on holiday with him,that was one of the questions the girls asked our we still going to spain.I do need to know but it can wait.
His sister rang me after he was gone and from what she tells me he is lying to her too,he told her i said he had to have the girls when i said he would have to work around what they already do and i wasnt going to be left feeling lonely. He also told me that it would be impossible to have them overnight when he is with his mum.But his sister says his mum said it was fine she knew he has to see them so he could bring them to stay.What i told him was that he could always see them but he would have to work around clus and activities they do,my daughter is a member of agymnastics club and they train three times a week and there have swimming lessons but he could always take them and pick them ,if he wants them for a weekend then he could always take them to church.I havent been funny at all i know they have to see him and i also need sometime which i have never had because he has never taken them out on they own.He told her that i wanted to go out as a family but it wasnt like that i offered for him to have them on sunday afternoon after