Comparing relationships

[Unregistered]

I'm just curious.... I've read about some pretty bad relationships here on this board. Personally, (I've written about my situation before), I'm married - faithfully - for 17 years. We've been together 20 years this August. He has cheated on me more than once (the last time aided in my having a heart attack due to extreme stress in addition to other physical risk factors). He is also a manic depressive who doesn't believe in medicating himself, or for that matter, even going for therapy. I've begged him to go, he knows that I think he needs professional help, but he thinks he can "fix it" himself. Whatever. I'm at the point where, although I do still love him, very often, I find myself not caring at all. He was raised in a very (emotionally) abusive home. He has very deep scars. He can't "just get over it" as many people seem to expect from him. I'm just about running out of sympathy. I've already run out of forgivness, which he knows. I also told him, in not so many words, that I'm tired of living with his constant negative attitude. (He promised he would "fix it". All he does is try hard to maintain a happy, positive attitude, but it doesn't come naturally to him and I know one day he's just gonna explode). He's really bringing me down - and has for the last few years. I find myself wishing that he'd have another affair so that I could throw him out and yet still know that there'd be someone out there who'd take care of him. I know it wouldn't last because he can't get along with people for very long (except me - but that's only because I really do have the patience of a Saint!) I was scared to be alone, which is one of the reasons why I married him in the first place. I thought I could bring him the love and understanding he never got from his mother, but to no real avail. I told him that "trying to make you happy is like banging my head against a brick wall. It's hopeless." He agrees.
We still love each other, but are certainly not "in love". No violins or rainbows or fireworks, but I know there is a DEEP concern for each other's welfare. I often find myself wishing that he'd just die peacefully in his sleep. I'm sure if that happened, I'd be crushed - for a while. But I'd get over it. Do others here have a relationship like this? My Mom tells me that "marriage isn't about being happy". I guess she's right. But lately I find that he is dragging me down into his world of negativity - and that is SO not me. I wish he'd leave me, but I know he won't. Can anyone reltate to these feelings?

[martinfromsthelens]

i was in care from the age of 7 ironically i was sent there in 1965 after my parents split up and as both worked could not look after me it was an orphanage in the real dickensian sense of the word.
i stayed there till i was 12 (it was supposed to be 6 months )
the home was run predomenantly bt women who were extremely forceful and had no compassion there was no one around to complain to no one listened anyway.from there i graduated to approved school detention centre borstal and eventually prison.
it seems the early years had a lasting effect and one of the things i never had was love and this was something that would haunt me for years after.
i would not allow myself to be close to anyone i didnt trust them my first wife was in total awe that i could not show any feelings like other guys i believe this was the reason my marriage didnt work.Alot of guys though not been through the same situation as me have the same real communication problems always holding back always leaving oneself open to question.
your own comments and feelings sound like one of despair if you really would like to see him die wouldnt it be on your conscience cause you have been willing it ?

Marriage is a partnership and if one stops doing their bit it becomes a one way struggle just like a brick wall take a supporting brick out and the wall falls down .
It seems your husband has some deep rooted anxieties that maybe are only just presenting themselves.
I managed to deal with my insecurities through talking to people
and getting it out of my system its only when you get a little older that you can put answers to the questions that used to baffle you and others close to you.
After all you have been through maybe its pretty understandable that you should have these feelings and others have them to.
You have shown courage though in sharing it here and i hope that
one day you will be able to enjoy life again you need to take it easy after what happened not too long ago as a near fatal attack
is seldom followed by something minor,

start to think about yourself. martin