Any suggestions....while in the middle of it ?

[Time will Tell]

How do I start.....I think I'm in the middle of an affair (still....). My wife and I separated 5 years ago, briefly, for good reason...I wasn't supporting or listening, thought I was doing things for the right reasons...but not really....a story I think others will know.

However, we have moved on, I have changed, and started getting my priorities in line. However my partner went with our son to a sports tournament in 1998, on returning, she started an affair with one of the other people in my sons team (adult - 11 years her junior - she is 38). Some background on her, she is overly self conscious, and lacking in confidence. Very concerned about being the centre of attention and of her capabilities. She has attended counselling about this, before and after this affair, but stopped at certain points, as it got "too hard or close and she didn't want to continue"

Anyway, the affair, at least physically lasted about 3 months, sex, etc occurred. She liked it, not so much the sex, rather the attention, from a young guy, (I tend to fit into the "but you do that cos you are my husband" camp, which is frustrating, giving compliments, and having the "brushed of", though this relates to her self perceptions as above).

However, since then, we have gone thru ups and downs. I have had some serious time in understanding myself, and been/going to counselling as well, (it's been good, and helping me)....however she is still seeing this guy, and is addicted to his attention (in fact any attention). She has learnt (though I've known for ever, and told her so) that she is good looking, and now is feeling age (now 38) set in , and feels like she will lose it all. She wants to feel men looking at her, attention...etc. She's talked to the counsellor about it, but is scared to address it, as the attention from the person helps fill the day. She doesn't have a job (though is looking, lack of confidence, etc hinder actual steps, either getting extra education or applications for roles she doesn't feel comfortable with) so seeing him (as a friend) helps fill the time.

Unfortunately he loves her, and when we have a "down" she turns to him, whilst I don't think physical sex is happening, it is at an e-mail/internet chat level. Her excuse is that "they have history, and it comes up".....so, I have a level of distrust, and this causes paranoia, especially when other issues cause stress. This then causes a vicious circle, making her feel "spied on", so she turns to him again.........etc etc

Finally, he has some serious issues with self perceptions, and worth. She is concerned that if she stops seeing him, he may kill himself.....though I feel that is part an excuse, my arguments always come across with a biased perspective (as you do in my circumstance), so it is hard to make progress.

So, finally, do we enjoy us....yes, we have great kids, I love her deeply (and with counselling, have opened up myself, and so love her more....) We enjoy time to us, on holiday, away from it all........but it is an underlying stress.....and minimal progress occurs....I find it very tiring...

So, whilst it may look like the soap opera story from hell.......I'd appreciate any suggestions, comments or thoughts....

------------------
http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/ubb/smile.gif Time will tell.....

[This message has been edited by Time will Tell (edited 16 May 2001).]

[Kate]

This is a difficult one. Your wife doesn't seem to see what she is doing as being unfaithful - is that right - because she's not having a physical relationship? Is this man her only friend and is she using him as a confidante, like she might a girl friend?

Perhaps all you can do for the moment is to keep on showing how much you care. Go on showing and telling her how much you value her and eventually she'll recognise "the genuine article" in the love you show her. See what you can do to help her get a job or find a hobby that brings her into contact with other people and distracts her from that relationship.

Are you still having counselling? You might like to have a look at the marital first aid kit (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/marfirstaid/) to see if it has any advice appropriate to your situation.

[Time will Tell]

Thanx Kate.....

Yes he does act as a good friend and confidant, but she also has some female friends, though not seen so often. He, when possible will be there, either phone, web or actual visits.

With regards to jobs, and hobbies, I try, though part of my wife's issue is being able to feel like "she" has achieved something. So if I come up with suggestions/ideas, she feels again that she isn't able to move forward on her own. (I know, that that is what marriage, support and friendship is all about....and so does she, until it applies ot her, part of the "do as I say, not do as I do" world she falls into).

She does partially (though not to the extent that any action occurs) admit that it's not normal, and in fact that the "addiction" is not healthy for her or him, but that is not stopping it. She knows my fears, though doesn't like hearing them.....

I am trying to show my love, friendship and support for her in all ways, but as you may see, it can be hard.....Sometimes it has been great, but then I may open up to some of my concerns, she closes down, and distance between us occurs again....

I am still attending couselling, it helps....a lot !!

------------------
http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/ubb/smile.gif Time will tell.....

[This message has been edited by Time will Tell (edited 23 May 2001).]

[Trying]

Hello Time Will Tell,

Thanks for responding to my post awhile back, I had responded back to you on my post but was unsure if you saw it.

I have copied it here incase you missed it.

Thank you Time Will Tell for responding and sharing your experiences with me. You are right, our situations are similar.
I go back and forth on this issue of separation. It's hard because at first I couldn't even imagine such a thing. During the period we were seeing a marriage counselor, my husband would say every so often he didn't know how he was feeling when ask by her what his level of commitment was, he wasn't sure he wanted to stay. That would always hurt me and make me react so emotionally. But after time I realized I could not hold to him, if he truly wanted to go. Fact is, he never did say he wanted to go. He never once said to me he wanted to go, just put it out there during these sessions like it might be a possiblity one day. When he lied about a business trip and had infact spent an overnight with his lover, even then he did not say he wanted out. Finally it was me that asked him to move out, that maybe he needed to do this to set his priorities. As you saw from my posting things have improved between us because I have backed off. Now we seem to be getting along better, but still questions remain. Just as they do for you.

You are the one who separated in the past and apparently that helped you set your priorites, but now your wife is sort of where my husband is. If my husband wanted to move out now, so he could figure out what he wanted, I think I would be strong enough to deal with that now. But now he doesn't go, I would have to make him leave and that's what's hard right now. I'm not sure if I should make him leave or let him stay and hope that he is sincerely dealing with things and not just pretending everything is fine.

I have read your post and it looks as though you suspect your wife has contact with her companion. How are you able to cope with this? Do you just go on about your business and hope everything will work out in time? That's what I can't figure out for myself. Should I just go on about life, be patient, caring and loving and hope it all works out?

Lastly, your suggestion of a part time job or hobby was well taken. I felt so lousy for so long it was hard to want to do anything except what I had to do to keep my family running, but little by little I seem to be feeling better and wanting to do more.

It helps to know someone knows how you feel. I wish you well.

I had stated in this response that things were better. Well they were better for awhile but they don't stay that way long with people are wrestling with such complicated issues. I, like you, try to hang in there with love and support. But it certainly is not easy when your partner refuses to open up and let you in. One minute you're feeling a bit closer like maybe there's hope and the next minute they close back down and that distance you spoke of in your post comes back.

You could run back through my post to catch up on how things are going if you like. I am very much interested in how things are going for you and how you cope while "In the middle of it."

Trying

[Time will Tell]

Hi Trying, thanx for the reply.

I'm a bit like you at present, things are not so good. We had a bit of a downer (as you do in any relationship) and since my partner is maintaining contact with her "other person" she turns to him for contact, support, etc. Rather than addressing us. It hurts...it really does. I know it's happening, as I can monitor computer communications. No that is not good for trust, but at this point, I feel it needs to be earned, and I am right. It does also help in understanding her moods, feelings etc, as she is not totally open with me. Basically as my stress, can upset her, and she tries to "avoid it".

How do I get through this. I regularly write down my thoughts, in poems (not good, but words) or just words. I helps, gets out the feelings, etc. Most of the time I don't give/send or show my partner these, that can be fairly vicious, and are an outlet sometimes more than true thoughts or feelings. I also do sport and go to the gym, it helps, give some physical stress relief. I really notice that if I don't go, then I start to stress up. Finally Counselling, it has helped alot, both directly on a fortnightly basis and e-mails. My partner has been to this person, and has some real issues she needs to addres, but won't (part of the problem), primarily due to fear. It helps understanding that, looking to help them, and because of the nature of them, time will be necessary. Also finally, understanding that I love her, that a few years of hurt/pain etc, is worth it in the context of the life and time I want to spend with her, and if we come through it, then our relationship will be so much stronger. If we don't, then I will have learnt alot about myself, and others, for the future.


[This message has been edited by Time will Tell (edited 12 June 2001).]

[Trying]

Hi Time Will Tell,

It is good to compare notes. We seem to be experiencing a lot of the same things which causes a lot of the same feelings. I appreciated all you had to say (even about the stuff concerning work----though the real issue for me here is not only dealing with those aspects of his "demanding" job but that he uses/used those perks of his job, travel expense account, and late night entertaining to accomondate his secret second life) Your input was terrific and I never felt as though you "drifted". As you can see I have no problem going on and on!

When things feel good you want to hang in there but when they don't feel good I question myself and wonder why I want to hang in there when it seems I am the only one. Infact, I have really heard no words that indicate he wants to fight for this marriage. My only indication on anything is that he's still here and that he still goes to his own counselor. But we are coming up on a year since I first found out. So on one hand I guess it's good on those two counts, but it is discouraging sometimes when it seems as though after a year you still have this broken marriage.

My husband works with this other woman and it is almost impossible for me to know whether or not they maintain contact. Like your wife he has resumed contact when he is unhappy here. He was very unhappy during the time we were receiving marriage counseling, could not live with the discomfort I guess. There's a very strong physical as well as emotional bond. But there is a strong bond here as well and I'm sure his struggle is quite painful. So painful that it appears he just sits with it and does nothing. Cannot decide whether to stay or go. As long as I am loving and supportive and don't bring up anything concerning this he acts (physically) loving back toward me. Since he can't say he loves me (he doesn't know) can't talk about how he's feeling about her, can't tolerate talking about my feelings in all this, I feel like I'm out in an emotiional wasteland. We, too, are going through sort of a down time. As you may have read in my post he became discouraged because I had snooped and because he found out I had copied some of our financial info. So he has distanced himself from me a bit. (shows none of loving little gestures he was just starting to show just weeks ago, and not in the mood in bed etc.) This hurts. It makes we wonder what we will ever have if I keep turning the cheek when everything seems based on whether or not HE'S FEELING GOOD. I guess I worry whether they (our partners will ever have the courage and strength to look inside) Each of them have two people who "love" them. When ever you're in pain on one side you just have to turn the other way, and there's the other one ready to ease your pain.

You separated and were able to figure out your priorities. In the beginning I was not emotionally stable enough to even consider that that would be good thing to do. There have been times now that I believe it could help things become unstuck, but I have to push and when I do my husband says things that make me feel quilty. I lovingly suggest that I am stronger now and that he should no longer feel bad that he still has feelings for her and that he doesn't need to lie, deceive and cheat but that he is free to go.

I guess I just hate not knowing where he is. Like you say we can have some really good times together (when I don't allow myself to worry about this) but for me there is always the underlying current and it kind of makes having fun feel like pretending.

I know that my husband would be the happiest, if we just had fun laughing, loving and playing like we use to. He would feel safe and it would be great not suffering a consequences from all this. I would love to just have fun laughing, loving and playing too. It's really all I want along with feeling those good things you feel when someone truly cares. But it's truly hard to genuinely enjoy laughing, loving and playing when you feel so much pain that no one (except yourself) is acknowledging. Do you think that's what we're suppose to do during this time just try to go on with life laughing, loving and playing for now so they can feel safe and not try to talk with them about our pain???