Internet chat rooms

[Worried]

Hello,

My worry is fairly similar to the ladies whose husbands are addicted to internet pron, but slight different angle.

Just to explain we have been a married for almost a year, but I am concerend that my husband is chatting to women over the chat rooms. He is adament that he is not, but I have searched the computer for files and data. I have found pictures and logs. One e-mail my husband has sent also includes his mobile phone number for them to call.

I know that he would not cheat on me in real life, but he must be talking to these people on-line and over the net.

He won't admit he, he gets mad everytime I bring it up. Recently I have done searches and there has been nothing there, but I still don't trust him. Whenever I try to talk to him he gets very upset and says that his trust in me is also being diminished everytime I bring the topic up.

I want to trust and believe him, but he keeps lying to me and saying that someone has got into all of his data.

How can I build up that trust? (I search the computer daily and even log onto his personal e-mail).

My mind is also the problem, I always imagine the worst, how can I stop that and just believe the best out of him?

I have all of this hate, and bitterness in me and I just want to build the trust up again. We are both Christians, but my husband does nto seem to have a growing relationship with God.

Do you have any advice about how we can build the trust up again and get over this problem?

Thanks - worried

[Liz]

Chat rooms can cause real temptation and disrupt marriage. There is a good site to help with these things called Pure Intimacy (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/php-bin/jump.php?linkid=69).

It may be that your husband had been drawn into some relationships through chat rooms, but that your finding out has stopped things at least for the moment. It's interesting you say he would not cheat on you in real life and to some extent there is a sense of fantasy in on-line affairs. There is a good article about on-line affairs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/articles/onlineaffair/) on the site.

Remember if you did catch him doing something he's ashamed of, it may have left him feeling very uncomfortable, and dealing with guilt. That may take him some time to handle and even make him defensive. None of us find it easy to admit we've done something to hurt someone. He may need to know you have forgiven him, and there lies another challenge have you/ would you forgive him if he has really been talking to other women on chat rooms. I'm sure that as a Christian you know that you are called to forgive him. Without forgiveness bitterness will grow and that will affect your own relationship with God.

Where trust is concerned checking up on him behind his back doesn't usually help to build trust. Checking up on him only works if you have mutually agreed to check the computer together to build the trust between you. People even have different understandings of what trust is and how to build it. Have you ever talked about what trust means to the two of you? It's possible that since you have not been married long, you haven't talked about such an issue before or even thought you needed to.

As a Christian, you have the powerful weapon of prayer to protect your marriage. You can pray for your husband, ask God to bless him and help him grown in his faith. Ask God for love and wisdom. Ask Him to bring anything that is hidden out into the open and to enable you to find a way through it. Allow Him to challenge and change you if necessary.

Try and start looking forward for ways to build your marriage together and in particular to build your communication (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthcomm/) and understanding. The first few years can be challenging as you really get to know each other and learn to live with each others faults and weaknesses. There are some good enrichment programmes (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) about you might like to try. They are good ways to build up your communication and build on all the good things you have in your marriage together.

[Melissa]

Hi. My situation is very similar to yours, the only twist is, I (not my husband) was the one with the "problem".

When we first got the internet, I immediately started opening up the chat sites. At first, all was innocent, just chatting, talking about general things, etc.

Well, the occasional chat turned into hours and hours of chatting. Then came the multiple emails and exchanging pictures. After that, the phone calls started. Then, obviously, meetings.

In all, I had met 5 men in the course of 8 months. All but 1 wanted sex and left quickly once they found out I wouldn't comply. Also, every single one of the men was married.

For me, internet chat wasn't real life, neither were the meetings. Because, in real life, there would be no *secret meetings*, or *secret phone calls*.

I think alot of people get caught up in that kind of fantasy life. It took me getting proposed to by another man to finally decide that this *secret life* wasn't for me.

I suggest going through this site and really looking at all the resources - I have found alot of them quite helpful in my own marriage.

[worried]

Thanks for both your replies. Unfortunatley the second one makes me even more worried.

Melissa did your husband suspect or confront you about this? If so how did he do it?

Liz - thank you for your response and it is exactly what I would have told anyone else. As an up-date I have managed to get a version of net-nanny onto the computer, which will stop various web sites being used. I also believe that it logs chats that have happenend.

It is very difficult to trust him again, and I am not totally convinced that he is not talking to people still - maybe on the mobile phone. We are trying to build that trust up again, by spending more quality time together . And I know as a Christian that I need to trust in him forgive him.

I am truly thankful for the power of prayer as it is the best source of comfort I have. I also know that if I want my husband (and me) to change then prayer really is the only way now. Whatever I say will be wrong, but I know that prayer works.

I know the first year of marriage is meant to be the hardest - I believe that now!

As an extra note if anyone else really believes in prayer then I suggest reading 'The Power of a Praying Wife (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/prayingwife/)' by Stormie Orten. Helps focus on specific areas.




[This message has been edited by Dave (edited 13 June 2001).]

[Melissa]

A response to your question...

I had told my husband for years that there was a problem with our marriage, but, he refused to listen or do anything about it.

I threatened to cheat on him several times, but, wasn't able to do so until finding the internet - it was just too easy.

What happened? I told him I was staying late for work one night. That was nothing unusual as I had to do this on a routine basis for years.

Well, he happened to notice a bagful of clothes I had packed in the car. He asked me about them and I gave him some excuse of needing them in case I wanted to go somewhere after work, he didn't buy it, OBVIOUSLY.

Then, he started watching. I was pretty good at staying out of trouble for a while, until one night. I got a little carried away and stayed out until 1 a.m. I never stayed that late at work, the latest was
9 p.m.

When I walked in the door, he asked me point blank, how my boyfriend was. I didn't try to hide it, why should I? He was visibly upset and couldn't understand how I could do that to him.

I explained to him once again that I was unhappy in our marriage, something he had known about all along, but, refused to take notice of.

Since then, things haven't really changed much, but, I won't cheat again, as I know it's wrong and it really doesn't help the situation.

I continue in therapy as I feel maybe some past issues are contributing to our problems. I am also continuing to keep up on this forum, the books and articles.

Time will only tell what happens now...