Advice please

[Unregistered]

about 4 weeks ago my wife told me she doesn't love me any more. Last week I found out she has been having an affair for about 4 weeks or so.

I kicked her out of the house, and she is now living in rented accomodation nearby

We have been having problems in the past. I am studying for a professional qualification as well as working full time. This takes up a lot of my time and focus, and I know I have neglected her. But does this give her the right to go and find someone else. We have been married 5 years.

She doesn't know whether she can come back as she is worried she wil become bored again and possibly do the same.

What should I do? was I wrong to kick her out?

[Unregistered]

Five years is not a long time to invest in a relationship, so it might be wise to cut your losses while they are still small. (My relationship is going on 20 years and at this point, my losses would be huge if I cut them.) However, everyone deserves a second chance. If I were you, I'd forgive her ONCE and let her back (if that's what you want). I wouldn't have children with her. I would watch her carefully without being too overbearing. If she messes you up again, dump her. A cheater is almost always a cheater.

[martinfromsthelens]

i disagree five years is a long time as you must have done a lot of things together and had both good and bad times during this period.
You say that she might not come back in case she becomes bored again ?Was this her excuse for having an affair,which dont just happen rather they are made to happen by 2 willing partners who want it to happen/
Mt partner has recently done the same to me but it was going on for months and though i suspected it both denied it and even tried to make me feel guilty for mentioning it.
now they are out in the open and living tigether they have told me its only been going on for 3 weeks as if its spme sort of consolation to me !!we were together for 5 years too but packed anawfull lot into those years i know how you must be feeling nothing prepares you for this and questions never get answered.i do agree though that if she is capable of doing this once she can do it again and you will need to convince your head and heart that she wont.First though you need to sit down and discuss what allowed this to happen start to love each other again take your time and discuss eachothers needs and fears if its what you want and there is a second chance grasp it with both hands.Trust has been violated here i have seen people come out of it and some never do.At the end of the day it is how much you both want eachother again and this time for much longer than 5 years.good luck and best wishes i know all about your experiences and would not wish it on my worst enemy.

[Kate]

There seem to be some problems about expectations between you. You have been working hard and didn't realise that your wife was feeling neglected. You both expected things of each other which weren't fulfilled.

As a root cause that can be dealt with by learning to communicate more openly with each other and considering each others needs and how you can respond to them. Somthing like His needs, her needs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/needs/) or The five love languages (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/fivelovelang/) might give you some ideas.

The Monogamy Myth (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/monogamymyth/) and Divorce Remedy (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/divorceremedy/) are two of the many good books around that you might find helpful.

Before that though you need to sort out what has happened, whether you are willing to choose to forgive (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/forgive/) her and start again. Then you need to rebuild the trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/trust/). You might like to look at some of the resources that are mentioned.

I don't think it matters whether you've been married five years, fifty years or five minutes, if you've committed to love each other and consented to marry each other, then you have to try and make it work despite betrayal and hurt. I suppose it's how you look at marriage. Is it something you enter into wholeheartedly whatever goes wrong eg infidelity, chronic illness, debt etc, or is it something you enter into until one or other let's the other down in some way. How do you see marriage?

Best wishes

Kate