Can I ever trust again?

[mcali658@bellsouth.net]

I found out 6 months ago my husband was having an affair. I had suspected for several months and he kept telling me I was crazy until the day I found out. We have been married for 25 years. There is so many days that I have a tough time getting through the day because the person he was seeing works with both of us. He is trying very hard to regain my trust but I feel it might be too late. He was truly the best friend in the world and have lost all trust in this friend. What do I do?

[Kate]

There are no easy answers when trust has been broken in this way, but your husband is trying to rebuild your marriage again. Not every man has the courage to face his mistakes and do that.

You might find some of the articles on handling affairs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) helpful. It will take time to forgive (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffhurtforg/forgive/) and build trust again, and it will be a painful process. Sometimes it may seem easier to walk away, but that doesn't acually solve anything. The hurt is still there.

Is it really necessary for you both to work with the other woman? It seems that that would put you both under extra pressure.

Please don't give up on your marriage or your husband, but do seek any help you need to get you through the pain.

All the best

Kate

[Cindy]

I am really trying to move on and try to trust again. but when I first suspected he totally made me out as an idiot and a whore accusing me of seeing someone and telling me i was crazy even when I found out he tried making my older daughter believe I had a boyfriend. The other woman is his assistant and can't do anything about that. Every time we make love now I wonder if he is really with me. His entire family of men ave done the same things to their wives including his father. My husband was the last person in the world that I would ever think would do such a thing.

[Kate]

Dear Cindy,

It's not possible to tell from your account whether you have been able to talk through what happened with your husband. Does he know how hurt you were and has he apologised or has there been any healing between you? If you don't think you can bring it up again now then you may have to forgive him for what he said and did, without his apology, and try and let it go and move on. Forgiveness really is a key to moving on together and it's very much about letting go on your right to punish or even wanting to punish the person who's hurt you. It's not condoning the hurt or saying it doesn't matter, it's generously not holding it against the other person and acknowledging that none of us are perfect. Finding the motivation to forgive can be difficult. It can even be seen as a weakness in our culture. But not forgiving hurts us, not just the person we won't forgive, and it can also prevent them from moving on from their mistake.

Why not have another look at Peggy Vaughan's tips on dealing with affairs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/patternaffair.html) andrebuilding trust after an affair (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/rebuildtrust.html).

There might be some ideas there to help you move forward.