Housewife/mother/prostitute to husband

[Liz]

Dear Lynne,

No, marriage isn't supposed to be like this, and your husband doesn't seem to be in a very good place. It's sad he won't seek help because he seems to need it.

I was wondering if the Marital First Aid Kit (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/marfirstaid/) might give you some insights into what is going on for your husband.

Do you have any idea why he is so angry and withdrawn? Is there any way you can get him to open up with you and share what is making him unhappy, because from what you've said, I get a picture of someone who is very unhappy and so busy coping with his own misery that he can't be pleasant to anyone else. Don't take on the blame for the situation, you seem to be trying very hard to fit in with his wishes, but in the end he needs to be working at the marriage too, for you to find a way forward.

You posted this originally in the Christian Marriage section. Perhaps your local church has people who can pray for you and your husband and give you loving care and support.

[lynne]

This was also posted in the Christian Marriage Help section.

My husband and I have been married 10 years, most of which I HAVEN'T felt as if I were his wife, but rather his housekeeper, mother or prostitute. I can't remember the last time he said he loved me, our last kiss or hug.
Although my husband has never handed me a list of "rules/regulations", actions speak louder than words. His emotional detachment and anger have trained me in such a way that a list isn't needed.

Sure, I have voiced my anger and resentment towards the situation in the past, only to be told to "shut up", or worse yet, being abandoned in my room, left to cry alone.

And, yes, I have sought marital counseling. He went with me on two occasions, promising me a much more loving marriage, only to turn back to his ways within two months - that was almost 6 years ago. From that time on, he has refused counseling of any type.

I don't want a divorce, so, I've been trying very hard to accept the situation as is, thinking that maybe I'm not trying hard enough. I've made sure that the "rules/regulations" he has are handled each day, without fail, to the letter. My children (ages 9 and 5) and I go out each evening for a couple of hours so they don't "bother him or get in his way". I have hired people to fix things around the house so I don't have to bother him with it.

All of this, and he is still angry and noncommunicative.

Approximately a month ago, he came to me saying he thought he was going through a "midlife crisis". I was very sympathetic and suggested seeking antidepressant medication, but, he refused and told me to "leave me alone - don't do anything for me".

I really don't know what to do in this situation. No matter what I do, he's still angry, and, he won't seek help, in any form.

I don't know how much longer I can stand this. Is a marriage really supposed to be like this?