could he be the wrong person?

[Unregistered]

I have been married now for only 10 months and I am feeling I might have married the wrong person. We are not understanding each other and as a result we misinterpret each other. There is not a week that goes by where there is not an agrument. He gets very, very angry with me to apoint where it's now destructive anger where he shouts and screems at me. When he shouts I feel as if the world is crumbling on my shoulders. This is now unbearable because I cannot get through to him to let him know that he is misunderstanding everything I say. I do question his love because the least simple conversation gets him very angry. I am so embarassed in telling my family what has been going on as they all thinks we are so happy with each other. I pray to God about it and for him to give me the strength to carry on but I do get weary sometimes and can't wait for the time to come in getting a divorce. I do want our marriage to work but there is only so much I can take and if this is what life will be like being married to him then I want no part of it.

[Kate]

It's hard to tell from what you've said what has caused things to go wrong for the two of you.

There are a number of articles on the site about basic relationship skills (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/), that might be worth exploring. There is also a very good listening technique which requires a bit of practice and discipline, but which can help communication. It involves you agreeing that only one person talks at once. When that person is talking the other one has to listen carefully and then is given the opportunity to repeat back what they think they have heard and ask if they have heard correctly. Only then is it their turn to respond. This slows things down and ensures that the responses are not based on a reaction to something one has saig which has prevented them from listening to the rest of what was said.

For example, if one person says "You never keep the kitchen tidy...." the other one probably only hears this first comment and then they're busy thinking up an answer or a way to get back at him. By slowing things down, it can take some of the heat out of the exchange and help you both to hear the whole story!

One way to do it is to have the person speaking hold a cushion or a card and you can only speak when you have that object.

Another thing you might think about is whether you are showing him your love in a way that he really recognises. One way of looking at that is from a book called The Five Love Languages (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/fivelovelang/). The author points out that we all have different ways of expressing and experiencing love. He suggests that they are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Giving Gifts, and Physical Touch. If we try to communicate our love in a way that isn't important to our spouse then they don’t experience being loved. We often get angry when our emotional needs are not being met, so finding ways to affirm him and show him love may draw the poison out of the wound.

I know this soudns very one sided, but sometimes in marriage we get into a rut and someone has to have the courage and sacrificial love to choose to break out of it.

I hope this gives some food for thought

Best wishes

Kate

[Unregistered]

Thanks Kate for your response.



My husband has kids from a previous relationship and I knew this before we got married. I knew it would not be easy to take him on with kids but knew that when they come around I would get support from him. I do like children but find myself fearful of these children. My husband part from their mother years before we started seeing each other but they even say to me that they want their parents back together. With that I am very concern about them and how I react to them. Because of the break down in our relationship when they come to visit I do not associate myself with them and this cause him alot of frustration and belives that I am resenting them. At times I try to involve in games and other activitives but he trys to prevent this from happening. When we have disagreements and the children come for weekend he wants me to forget about the hurtful things and the issues at hand and be happy for them. I find this very hard to do and I honestly do not handle that very well as my needs and desire as his wife are not met. There is a vicious cylcle because I dont feel loved, he receive no support from me and all we do as a result of that is argue. I am not asking him not to be a father to his children which is what he believes but to recognise that I am around and not to think that the world revolves aroound him and his children. We are both now at the point of giving up but before I do I want to know if anyone else share similar situation and if there are any solution to this issue.

[Kate]

Hi there,

I didn't realise that your husband had children visiting like this. That is bound to cause some strains. You may find something of value in the section of the web site about step families (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthsecond/). In some ways it is harder when the children are not with you all the time, because both of you are trying to deal with a rather artificial-feeling situation.

I'm sure the times when the children come over are very important to your husband. It's not that he doesn't care about you, but what he needs from you at those times is support. When we love someone, one of the hardest things is to put aside our won needs for a time, to meet their needs. I do wonder if you can put your hurt and need aside when the children come over and make the effort to meet his expectations of you, whether you may find he will then be able to respond to you. In the end I suspect that you will find that you feel appreciated and loved by him. Love is really not simply a feeling, it's also an action. When we choose to love in spite of our feelings, then things begin to change.

I'm sure he wants his children to see you two happy together. I know there are things you want him to understand, but if you can make the first move, then things may calm down and you may be able to share with him what it is you find difficult. It's always easier to share our concerns when there is peace and closeness between us, rather than when we are raw and sensitive.

I hope you can find a way to break out of the vicious circle.

Best wishes

Kate

[Smily]

Hi Kate thanks very much for your reply.

I truly appreciate your encouragement and the advice you shared with me. I have managed to own a copy of book titled The five Love Languages (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/fivelovelang/), very good book and we are now reading the chapters together. I know it is early days but there have been a change in the way we communicate together. The suggestion of using an object to indicate not to interrup when one of us is speaking have been working. I can now see a bit of light at the tunnel even though I will need to work on the aspect of giving support to him when his children comes to visit.

Thanks for pointing me in the right direction of the 'Step Families' and the 'Basic relationship skill' articles we will be spending some time on that in the hope of building a stronger relationship. These are very useful articles. It is often said that the first couple of years of a marriage is the hardest, where there can be lots of 'waves', highs and lows so I guess trying to build a firm foundation now will help in weathering any storms which may come in later years.

Your support has truly given us hope.

Regards
smily