Rob
1st June 2001, 08:14 AM
Ok
I guess i should start from the top. We met in France and fell in love. I am British and she is French Canadain.We got married after about 8mths of visiting each other in UK and Canada.Things were going great and i decided that for us it would be better if i moved to Canada.It seemed as soom as emigrated, things began to change. She started a university course which took up 99% of her free time and also deprived her of sleep. She became inpaicent,stressed and i thought she was heading for a nervouse breakdown as she wasnt getting sleep.She started taking sleeping pills, and i worried about her becoming dependant on them.When i would come home from college i couldnt make any noise else she would get annoyed and upset. Wtaching the tv thro the head phones wasnt on cuz she could hear the noise from the head set.She started pressuring me to get a job, "any job it doesnt matter" and we started argueing over that. I tried to explain to her i want to find a conveinent job that is bearable that im not being over picky but im not going to work in a hell-hole just to bring home pennies.She told me that i dont make enough effort. Anyway i really wanted to quit and go back to UK, i felt that, this wasnt the person i thought i was marrying, this is an unbearable monster. But i noticed she was really on the edge and i thought that it was only a matter of time before she has a nervous break down. Then i started thinking about us. That a Husband should be thier to support not just quit, and that if i bite my tounge and try to support her and deal with her stress then when she passes her exams, the relationship could develope.So,when she was at home studing i used to visit her inlaws and watch tv round thiers on the weekend, so that she would have the silence she needed.I found a job to carrying for a 6mths and then i went on a course on refrigeration. We moved to a slightly large place near to my college and the stress continued.I slowely developed interests of my own because she was always studing and preparing from her final exams.
Then when we both finished and passed our courses, she wanted to unwind for a month but she looked at the finances and jumped into the first job that came along- which is shift work.I tried to tell her that shift work is hard, but the same time i felt distanced from her and didnt mind if i didnt see her so much.but she convinced herself that she could manage it.She didnt have to jump into this job we could have stayed round her parents until she had rested and we both had jobs, but i felt she let pride get in the way.And i felt she let her pride stand in the way on previous occassions too.
So the relationship just didnt develope and then small things that where annoying became more of a problem.In her spare time, she would work on new hobbies and interests http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/ubb/tongue.giflants,yoga, spirituality,reading and radical health food/eating habbits. I found her interest in spirituality and god a bit disturbing as she would occasionly go to these events that i felt could be manipulative and i disagree with the principal of Mantras- i tthink that it is self brain washing. She started coming back with these ideas and theroies that i found impossible to believe, yet she would tell me them as tho it was true or possible.Ie that once you are a master of wisdom and know fully know and control your body that you can do things like levitate or even disapear and reapear in and place (like self teleportation). I dont have a problem with heathly eating, as long as the food looks good and tastes good and is balanced... tofu and rice or a salad consisting of large amounts of herbs,letuce and vinegar is not a nice meal. I like meat, but i dont believe that meat 2-3 times a week is too much. I dont eat beef because of BSE and i try to select heathly cut -even if i have to pay a bit more ill dont mind.
In our personal lives it really seems to me that we have nothing in common:hobbies interests,our view on life, priorities, perspective,Foods,
I recently disguist with her about all this, and i know she isnt happy with me.When i married her she wanted to move into the forest after her studies and at the time i thought i could be good, but i changed my mind as i didnt want to be isolated in a town that only has a population count of less than 1000 people and only a handful of stores i was concerned that i would find it very lonely and i would get depressed because there is nothing to do. Also it would be harder for me to find work as i dont speak fluent french and i cant write french AT ALL. But i also , i didnt know that i would have such a problem with mosquitos..when i get bitten enough i become very tired all the bites swell up and i just feel like im sleepy.
Recently she was talking about wanting children,she had it all planned out.first 2yrs she would take off and the next 2 yrs i would quit my work and she would go back to work.I said no that the relationship isnt ready for it but she kept saying it would be a good expierence and wed be bringing a life into the world.I dissagreed and said if the relationship doesnt inprove then i dont see me ever concidering children.But still she went on about it- its like all i said ment nothing.So after a while i got fed up and then annoyed and started saying , if you really want kids now , find someone else who will.
Last thing is her self image and the way she doesnt want the world to treat her.She really has an problem with her size and weight and there is nothing i can do.She dresses like a tom boy and doesnt shave. I dont want her to do what she doesnt want and she beleives we shuld let the hair grow and that its men who make women shave etc etc.But i find it disturbing to me(thats my problem)because i think its a sign of personal grooming,how she feels about her self and i like the look of clean shaven legs.I would like her to dress sometimes more femine and even seductive.It doesnt have to be sleazy or just clothing to promote sex. but deep down ,i think she doesnt want to attract attention to herself by dressing seductive (even in private), because she doesnt want to be/follow steriotyped,she feeling vunerable/insecure,shes not happy with her own image.
She has told me so many times in the past yrs, that as soon as she looses wieght or gets fit shes gona buy new clothes, but this has never happen
So now after our weekend talk she wants to give it another yr.But im not sure, ive lost hope and faith in the relationship and i know i dont love enough to want to stay with her for the rest of my life.I think that now she will make all the changes just to keep me, but it wont be genuine and she will make herself depressed.
I said that maybe she should find someone better than me who shares in your interests in God,Food,plants and your way of life.... but she want me to fall back in love.
So all this week ive been depressed and i cant think straight- when i think its just about sunday's conversation or more things that annoy me. Its like alll the annoying things that i tried to ignore or accept are now intollerant.
http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/ubb/frown.gif
I looked at councelling and ive been to a few web sites, and im not sure if i want councelling. The way i feel that i dont want the counceller to fix things, just to put things in perspective. That i talk and then the counceller give sujestions,advice and comments.That the main priority shouldnt be to fix the marriage, but to make sure my problems etc are delt with.
I guess i should start from the top. We met in France and fell in love. I am British and she is French Canadain.We got married after about 8mths of visiting each other in UK and Canada.Things were going great and i decided that for us it would be better if i moved to Canada.It seemed as soom as emigrated, things began to change. She started a university course which took up 99% of her free time and also deprived her of sleep. She became inpaicent,stressed and i thought she was heading for a nervouse breakdown as she wasnt getting sleep.She started taking sleeping pills, and i worried about her becoming dependant on them.When i would come home from college i couldnt make any noise else she would get annoyed and upset. Wtaching the tv thro the head phones wasnt on cuz she could hear the noise from the head set.She started pressuring me to get a job, "any job it doesnt matter" and we started argueing over that. I tried to explain to her i want to find a conveinent job that is bearable that im not being over picky but im not going to work in a hell-hole just to bring home pennies.She told me that i dont make enough effort. Anyway i really wanted to quit and go back to UK, i felt that, this wasnt the person i thought i was marrying, this is an unbearable monster. But i noticed she was really on the edge and i thought that it was only a matter of time before she has a nervous break down. Then i started thinking about us. That a Husband should be thier to support not just quit, and that if i bite my tounge and try to support her and deal with her stress then when she passes her exams, the relationship could develope.So,when she was at home studing i used to visit her inlaws and watch tv round thiers on the weekend, so that she would have the silence she needed.I found a job to carrying for a 6mths and then i went on a course on refrigeration. We moved to a slightly large place near to my college and the stress continued.I slowely developed interests of my own because she was always studing and preparing from her final exams.
Then when we both finished and passed our courses, she wanted to unwind for a month but she looked at the finances and jumped into the first job that came along- which is shift work.I tried to tell her that shift work is hard, but the same time i felt distanced from her and didnt mind if i didnt see her so much.but she convinced herself that she could manage it.She didnt have to jump into this job we could have stayed round her parents until she had rested and we both had jobs, but i felt she let pride get in the way.And i felt she let her pride stand in the way on previous occassions too.
So the relationship just didnt develope and then small things that where annoying became more of a problem.In her spare time, she would work on new hobbies and interests http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/ubb/tongue.giflants,yoga, spirituality,reading and radical health food/eating habbits. I found her interest in spirituality and god a bit disturbing as she would occasionly go to these events that i felt could be manipulative and i disagree with the principal of Mantras- i tthink that it is self brain washing. She started coming back with these ideas and theroies that i found impossible to believe, yet she would tell me them as tho it was true or possible.Ie that once you are a master of wisdom and know fully know and control your body that you can do things like levitate or even disapear and reapear in and place (like self teleportation). I dont have a problem with heathly eating, as long as the food looks good and tastes good and is balanced... tofu and rice or a salad consisting of large amounts of herbs,letuce and vinegar is not a nice meal. I like meat, but i dont believe that meat 2-3 times a week is too much. I dont eat beef because of BSE and i try to select heathly cut -even if i have to pay a bit more ill dont mind.
In our personal lives it really seems to me that we have nothing in common:hobbies interests,our view on life, priorities, perspective,Foods,
I recently disguist with her about all this, and i know she isnt happy with me.When i married her she wanted to move into the forest after her studies and at the time i thought i could be good, but i changed my mind as i didnt want to be isolated in a town that only has a population count of less than 1000 people and only a handful of stores i was concerned that i would find it very lonely and i would get depressed because there is nothing to do. Also it would be harder for me to find work as i dont speak fluent french and i cant write french AT ALL. But i also , i didnt know that i would have such a problem with mosquitos..when i get bitten enough i become very tired all the bites swell up and i just feel like im sleepy.
Recently she was talking about wanting children,she had it all planned out.first 2yrs she would take off and the next 2 yrs i would quit my work and she would go back to work.I said no that the relationship isnt ready for it but she kept saying it would be a good expierence and wed be bringing a life into the world.I dissagreed and said if the relationship doesnt inprove then i dont see me ever concidering children.But still she went on about it- its like all i said ment nothing.So after a while i got fed up and then annoyed and started saying , if you really want kids now , find someone else who will.
Last thing is her self image and the way she doesnt want the world to treat her.She really has an problem with her size and weight and there is nothing i can do.She dresses like a tom boy and doesnt shave. I dont want her to do what she doesnt want and she beleives we shuld let the hair grow and that its men who make women shave etc etc.But i find it disturbing to me(thats my problem)because i think its a sign of personal grooming,how she feels about her self and i like the look of clean shaven legs.I would like her to dress sometimes more femine and even seductive.It doesnt have to be sleazy or just clothing to promote sex. but deep down ,i think she doesnt want to attract attention to herself by dressing seductive (even in private), because she doesnt want to be/follow steriotyped,she feeling vunerable/insecure,shes not happy with her own image.
She has told me so many times in the past yrs, that as soon as she looses wieght or gets fit shes gona buy new clothes, but this has never happen
So now after our weekend talk she wants to give it another yr.But im not sure, ive lost hope and faith in the relationship and i know i dont love enough to want to stay with her for the rest of my life.I think that now she will make all the changes just to keep me, but it wont be genuine and she will make herself depressed.
I said that maybe she should find someone better than me who shares in your interests in God,Food,plants and your way of life.... but she want me to fall back in love.
So all this week ive been depressed and i cant think straight- when i think its just about sunday's conversation or more things that annoy me. Its like alll the annoying things that i tried to ignore or accept are now intollerant.
http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/ubb/frown.gif
I looked at councelling and ive been to a few web sites, and im not sure if i want councelling. The way i feel that i dont want the counceller to fix things, just to put things in perspective. That i talk and then the counceller give sujestions,advice and comments.That the main priority shouldnt be to fix the marriage, but to make sure my problems etc are delt with.