I'm having an affair

[Unregistered]

I am having an affair. I've been married for 27 years. Until I had this affair I hadn't been with any man other than my husband. I needed something in my life. The kids were grown and my husband and I do nothing together. Some nights he never even speaks to me. When I am with the other man life seems perfect. When we are apart I feel lost. I am the "other woman", I can't believe I did that. I am so unsure of everything right now. Does any of this make any sense?

[lschofield]

What you need to concentrate on is making your life with your husband all that you enjoy when you're with your lover.

Not only are you potentially harming your husband (I'm assuming he doesn't know) but you are destroying another woman's hopes and keeping her from what she should be enjoying.

All I can say is that you reap what you sow and this will undoubtedly come back to you. Do you think your lover is as kind to his wife as he is to you? You should be ashamed of yourself!

[martinfromsthelens]

if you have managed to stay faithful for 27 years what has made you do this now you no doubt know people close to you who have suffered terribly as a result of an affair i dont think it really makes a difference how old you are or how long you have been together the pain is still as great for the person having to bear it i know because i am going through it right now.
i can tell you it is the worst experience i have had in my life i cant sleep eat or thimk straight.i have got my own business and that is suffering now because ive lost the will to work.
the biggest thing to have to live with is the terrible feeling of rejection,all things go through your mind how long its been going on and why no one could tell you.
i have got to say that having gone through this i will be more supportive in future to people close to me that have to go through the same thing.i would not wish this on my worst enemy,exept of course the guy who has took my belovrd away from me.

[Unregistered]

I don't know what to say. I wish I knew if people really do stay in love. For years i did everything alone. He never participated. And I accepted it. The kids became my life. Now the kids are grown. Many nights I go home after work and not a word is spoken until he says goodnight. I can try to talk...it doesn't seem to make a difference. I felt so alone. I know that doesn't justify cheating, but it happened. Now I don't know what to do. Although my husband isn't much a part of my life, I know he would be devastated. All I think about is telling him I am leaving. I don't know what will happen with the man I am seeing. It's like I've told him, I went in knowing the situation. I can't expect anything there. But when I'm with him I feel so alive. You asked if he is good to his wife....I have to believe he is. He is so kind and caring. Something was just missing in his life too. We became each others best friend. Maybe I was just looking for a reason to leave...I don't know. I do know I don't want to spend the rest of my life living with someone who isn't my partner. Someone who doesn't share my zest for life. Is this so wrong? I think when we are rasing our families we forgot to take our own feelings into consideration. Is it so wrong to think about yourself???

[Liz]

The "empty nest" stage of marriage is reknowned for putting pressures on a marriage. There is an excellent book about it here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/emptynest/). Before you do something too drastic about your marriage, why not try and get a copy.

Best wishes

Liz

[Unregistered]

thank you . I will try it. I do appreciate suggestions. I'm at a loss.

[Unregistered]

I've tried to work things out at home but I'm doing it alone. He just has lost interest and I can't stay with someone who doesn't want to share his life with me. I'm still seeing the other man, but I'm not sure how much longer this will last. I do love him but I don't think anything will come of it. I know I will find happiness someday. Maybe I need to just be happy by myself for awhile.

[Unregistered]

Yes it does make sense. We do reap what we sow, it's the pain of being the other woman. Good Woman do bad things, not because they want to. I did it because I was lonely and unhappy in my marriage. The cost to us is our self respect. I'm fighting to get mine back. You see I feel in love with the other man, but he's not in love with me. The pain is horrible. So I guess I get what I disirve. Want to end it but he says it's too good, too fun. I need help. Any feedback would be great!

[Unregistered]

Why don't you "other women" grow some balls and leave your spouses? If life with them is SOOOOO awful, yes, it's perfectly OK to think of yourself and grasp some happiness. However, you are doing it by harming others - is THAT right?!
My husband had an affair. He thought it was OK for him to indulge a little selfishness because he was simply "bored" and some little chickie wiggled her 20 year old butt in his face. She was a lot more exciting than his boring middle-aged wife. He didn't think I knew so what harm was he doing - grabbing a little happiness of his own (and believe me, we talked, we did things together, we had fun. he just wanted MOOOORE). Well, the spouse usually always knows - even if the CHEATER doesn't think so. The stress of my husband's infidelity caused me to have a MASSIVE near fatal heart attack! Not hurting anyone, huh? You cheaters ought to be ashamed of yourself. Don't just chalk it up to a mistake, either - that's a BS excuse to justify your actions. A mistake is wearing one blue sock and one black sock. A mistake is calling someone Charlie when he prefers Chuck. A mistake is setting the VCR to tape a show on Wednesday when the show actually airs on Tuesday. Having sex with (and giving your heart to) someone other than the person to whom you made a COMMITMENT of marriage - that is not a mistake - it's BETRAYAL and it hurts more than any of your so-called lonliness or self-inflicted selflessness. Plus, who told you to put your life and your needs on permanent hold for the sake of your children (another BS excuse). You may think it will "devastate" your spouses, but personally, I'd rather be alone than live with someone who betrays my love.

[martinfromsthelens]

you have a good way with words and maybe it will get through to some people...i hope it does.
i have made no secret of my feelings on this since i have been on the recieving end and am only just gettin over it myself.
its always gonna go on and maybe freinds that you and i know will be doing it next week !!
like i keep saying......no one knoes the heartbreak till it happens to you if you love that person and it happens theres nothing to compare to the feeling of rejection inadequacy and it hursts real bad like youve never been hurt before !
its just a pity it always happens to the good people.

still as they say once a cheat always a cheat
if my ex thinks i will take her back when she gets fed up with him
then she is not as clever as i thought ....thouugh clever enough to hide her affair from me till she walked out !!maybe i should do a disco for a cheats night out...they would be queuing up round the block !!!

[Unregistered]

I have found these last posts interesting reading. My feelings are this........I believe that you can love more than just ONE person. I am in an affair he has just come into my life. We met as friends, there was chemistry there immediately. We both were aware of this. I have known him about a year, and the affair has just started. We have talked about our partners, he loves his partner and yet says that that is not enough in his life. I too love my partner yet this man brings new love and joy into my life, this has been long gone in my marriage. My husband chooses to be dull and uninteresting to me, he chooses not to share the things I love, he chooses to stay 'stuck' in his life. I went to marriage guidance last year to mend our marriage but he would not come nor even talk to me about the counselling sessions, even after a year that subject is a closed book. The pain of this has been awful for me.

This new man in my life and I know that we dont want to move in together, we know that the love we feel will be more joyful if we meet when we can, for walks in the evenings to see the sunsets, for loving times doing the things we love doing together. ( Things my husband WILL NOT do with me). Just spending time being 'in love'.

If my husband discovers this affair, I will gently tell him that I tried so hard for over 5 years to get back what we had together many years ago and he was not interested in doing this. If I have to make a choice I will move on and live on my own. Painful but I will do this.

I do believe we can love more than one person. I have just discovered this, it is not just about sex, it is about being loved and giving love. I just come alive when I am with him, he has given me life, only a while ago I was dying inside so slowly, I tried so hard to get this with my husband, so hard but he just did not respond.

I dont even feel guilty when I lie next to my husband in bed, I feel a new tenderness towards him now. Who knows what will happen, I will keep you posted.

Starlight

[martinfromsthelens]

Maybe it is possible to love more than one person at the same time,the difference is that most people in relationships do not succumb to the temptation of taking it further because they know it is wrong.
How you can GENTLY explain to your husband the details of your wandering is beyond me theres nothing gentle about what you are doing.
No matter how much you try to be defensive of your actions here the only person you are gonna fool is yourself what you are doing is wrong and you must know it is !!
Do the decent thing and decide which one you want.
What a state we would be in if everyone thought and did the same thing.

What you are doing is clearly selfish and going to end up with people hurt.
nothing more nothing less !!

[Unregistered]

REASON SEASON OR A LIFETIME

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is you will know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a reason it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, sometimes they walk away, sometimes they act up or hit out and force you to take a stand. What we must realise is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a season it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you and experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real but only for a season.

Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons, those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in other relationships and areas of your life.

[Dave]

Dear Starlight

What a strange wedding you must have had. Presumably your vows went something like "For better or until I get bored, for richer or until I fancy a little more, In sickness (mines OK, but I probably won't stick around if you fall ill......"

Or did you make the more normal ones? Do the promises you make mean nothing - are your words so untrustworthy? How would you feel about a pension fund that accepted you money in all through your life, and then just turned round and said "Oh, that promise to pay out was made years ago - we've found something much more fun to do with your money now.."

Yes, some relationships are for a reason and some for a season - but one relationship is set aside to be different - it's called marriage! It's based on a set of lifetime promises that focus on us giving to the other person - it's not about selfishness, it's about giving. It is also set apart because it includes sex - no other relationships a married person has should.

I'll not deny for a moment that it is possible to feel romantic and attracted to more than one person. Fortunately most mature adults reach the stage where they can make decisions based on the word they have given, and not be led by the latest infatuation or lust. Marriage is a tough road full of the decisions to love - and really worked at it brings a depth and beauty of love that shows tawdry affairs for what they really are - a betrayal of deep promises and a road to misery.

Dave

[martinfromsthelens]

Dave you have got it absolutely spot on !!
After all the posts and advice it seems that nothing has worked.
i have been waiting for you kate or liz to add some real thoughts to this and am pleased you have now voiced some realism.
theres no way i can go along with this scenario cause it just aint right/
i love coming to this site but the day that it becomes the norm to make allowances or excuses for whats going on in this instance to be acceptable or excusable will be my last visit.
fortunately i know that we are all agreed that it is wrong
it is heartwarming and so encouraging to know that i am not alone in thinking that a comittment means just that take the good with the bad thats what any relationship is about whether you are engaged married courting or whatever

marriage is a comittment no greater thing in life should mean so much its a pity some think it counts fpr nothing when it suits them!!

[Unregistered]

Dave, your post was absolutely right-on. And Martin, I know how you feel. Starlight, I still haven't heard why you are with your husband. You said it would be painful to break up. You never uttered the word love. As I said in an earlier post, get some backbone and do what's right - either COMMIT to your husband, join a polygamous community where people do "love more than one person at a time" or COMMIT to your lover (which you know, in the back of your mind is a hopeless case). Do you even know what the word commitment means? Season, reason, shmeason. A nice bunch of poetic BS to help CHEATERS, BETRAYERS, SELFISH CHILDREN, IMMATURE SPOILED BRATS, etc. deal with their selfish, uncontrollable desires. YOU MAY VERY WELL BE KILLING INNOCENT PEOPLE!!!!! What has your lover's wife ever done to you for you to cause her pain? Your husband is boring and unexciting. Oh, I'm sorry we all can't stay 16 years old with those same raging hormones. Walking on the beach, watching the sunset. Do you both run into each other's arms in slow motion through a field of tall wheat stalks with butterflies all around and a rainbow overhead? Do the clouds magically split apart and the sun shines its rays on just you two and you hear angels singing?Grow up, Lady! You're in the same place so many of us are in. You don't think that married folks get bored with each other from time to time? The difference is, we don't all act upon our selfish feelings because we actually give a darn about our spouses. We actually respect another human being enough and honor the sanctity of a relationship called marriage. There's a word called integrity - maybe you ought to look it up. You know what I do when I get bored (married FAITHFULLY for 17 years)? When I make love to my husband, I fantasize about some young stud. It doesn't last very long, he's happy, I'm happy, we have some ice cream or a couple of sandwiches, curl up in front of the TV and watch a good movie. Simple! If you expect more from life than that, you'll jump from relationship to relationship. Sometimes you just have to appreciate the teeny, tiny things in life - like having someone to watch a good movie with. Apparentlyy, you're not in a good "normal" marriage. You are unhappy, for whatever valid or invalid reasons you may have. You asked your husband to go for counselling and he refused. What the heck are you still doing in that marriage? Another question I have for you - if you were divorced from your husband, but your lover stayed with his wife, how willing would you be to take on the role of his mistress? It's easy now, you're both married. Would it be different if you were single and he wasn't? Would your relationship with him be half as exciting if you were both available. Sorry to sound so cold, but unless you have ever been the victim of betrayal, no amount of boredom, frustration, lonliness and whatever other excuses betrayers use to justify their sins, none of that can ever measure up to pain of a broken heart.

[martinfromsthelens]

could not have put it better than that just about sums it all up !!

[Unregistered]

Gee, we haven't heard much from Starlight, have we?

[Unregistered]

I was the one who put the first posting in. How much this issue has grown. I have been on both sides. I was the wife...when my husband cheated and I know how devastated I felt. Now I'm the "other woman". How did I get here? Maybe it's because I am weak...I needed something. I'm still seeing a married man...and as wonderful as it can be it and it be very diffucult to. I think I ask myself on a daily basis why I am doing this. Logically I know I should end it....set myself free. But the fear of not having someone in my life that cares keeps me involved. I've fallen in love with him....I don't think that is how he feels. I think about his wife. I wonder how he treats her when we are apart. I wonder if she has any idea. I wonder if she still loves him and makes love to him. Do I sound confused? I am....everyday I have a struggle. I wish it was easier....I wish I knew what to do and how to do it. It's so easy to judge until you've been there. I'm a successul, smart, caring person....but I am human.

[Unregistered]

I'm human, too, Lady. I guess some of us humans have more integrity, self-respect and human value than others. (When did ADULTERERS all of a sudden become "human"?!) It's easy for me to judge because I've been there, too. WHEN I WAS SINGLE (ie, not committed to another person, not promising to love, honor, commit, for better or for worse, even in times of sheer boredom, etc.) I was the "other woman". I was selfish. I was having a blast. I was excited, stimulated. I adored my lover. Every moment with him was wonderful. I felt that I was even, in some ways, the Florence Nightengale of romance. "My wife doesn't understand me, we're not in love anymore, blah blah blah..." Here I come to save the day (think Mighty Mouse). But I also have a conscience. And eventually, I broke it off. You only get one side of the story from your man, and I couldn't bear the thought of not knowing how his wife felt, of possibly hurting someone who had ever done a thing to me. Call it guilt, but eventually (several months) I had to break it off and send my man permanently back to his wife. They eventually DID get divorced (and yes, he came running to me.) Why would I want someone who would cheat on his wife? Again, I sent him packing. Last I heard, he was on welfare and drank heavily. LOOOOSER!

On the betrayed wife's side of the fence, I can tell you, yes, she probably does still love him, yes, he makes love to her and yes, he probably does love her - in some way. He probably treats her just fine. He comes home to her and he probably loves their home life. He may love her in her "role" as a wife (and mother if kids are involved). Does she know? Depends on how careless he is, but she probably has an "idea". They say the spouse always knows - and it's true. If she knows, and wants to hang onto him, she's probably doing everything in her power to make him forget about you. When my husband was fooling around, I tried to be extra-sexy, extra-attentive, extra-pretty, etc. I used to think, "I'm gonna out-f---- her. I'm gonna make him feel so good that he won't want her. Well, that backfired because I stressed myself to the point of having that near-fatal heart attack I wrote about. (Talk about guilt. Ever since then, he has devoted his LIFE to me! Too bad I don't love him as much as I used to. I still do, but I'll never let anyone get to me like that ever again.)
Your man has the best of both worlds. (I'm just guessing here but...) He has a wife whom he has no plans on leaving. She may be a wonderful wife, room-mate, homemaker, mother to his children (if applicable), confident, friend and comfortable lover and someone with whom he has shared many years of ups and downs (ie, marriage). Then he has you - an exciting girlfriend, a passionate lover, a forbidden affair. Many, many men believe that, as long as they aren't hurting anyone, they're practically ENTITLED to this life. In my opinion, it is wrong. I know that, in many countries, this type of life is "normal". Well, not here in America, at least not in my world. Many people like to think that "if things were good at home, he/she wouldn't stray." That's not always true. It depends on the person. Some people are either selfish, have no self-control or don't understand true commitment. Or else they don't think they're hurting anyone by having a little "extra" fun. My husband loves me - I know this. He is emotionally unbalanced due to a neglectful mother and he has issues with women. I understand all this, yet, it didn't make the pain of his infideltiy any less. You said you're smart and caring. Why are you allowing yourself to be humiliated and disrespected? If your marriage is so bad that you seek affection and comfort in the arms of another man, then it's time to get out (of your marriage). I have had girlfriends in bad marraiges who didn't have the "stringth" to leave until they had another man in their lives. What *******! I lost so much respect for them. If they were in a bad marraige, why did they "need" another man before they could leave? We women are strong and self-reliant. Get your head together, girl. What you are doing is wrong and it will only bring you (and other innocent people, and some guilty ones) more pain. And please don't chalk your immoral love affair up to being "human". If that is human, then we are a breed of uncivilized, selfish, disrespectful, desparate animal beings. Having an affair is much more than a mistake. You're not confused. You know what you're doing - now stop it! Have you considered talking to a therapist? These message boards are a great place to vent, but they are no replacement for professional counselling. Get your self-respect back and take charge of your own heart. Here's another thought... there are some women out there with so little self-esteem that they feel the need to steal away another woman's man. "Ooooh, look what I can do?! He loves her, but he's willing to be with me. I must really be something sepcial to be able to snag him even when he has a wife!" Only a fool or someone with no self-esteem, self-respect, etc. would get involved with a married man. Good luck to you. Is your husband REALLY all that bad? If he is, then I say good riddance. Leave him. But if he's not such a bad guy, why not do the hard work that marriage sometimes takes. THAT is commitment - when times are tough, not when they're easy. Write back and let us know how you're doing.

[Unregistered]

WOW...you said things that really touched home with me. Thank you. I can't explain how and why this happened. Maybe I need to talk to a therapist. Maybe I thought I needed to know someone could love me in order to leave a bad marriage. But that hasn't even given me to courage to leave something so familiar. I will keep you posted. Again..THANK YOU!!

[Unregistered]

I can be very blunt in my writings, but sometimes we need to get hit between the eyes before we can see things clearly. I'm glad that my brutal words may have helped to open your eyes. Yes, I think a therpist would be an excellent idea. I know that leaving the familiarity of a home life that you've known for years is frightening. And I also know that very often, people get themselves involved in affairs (or drug use or alcohol or overeating) as a way to escape the lonliness or boredom of a tired out old marriage. But you know in the back of your heart and mind that an affair is NOT the answer. Please talk to a therapist, if only to clear out your head.
I would also tell Mr. Loverboy that you "need to think things through" and that you need some time to yourself. You might also tell this to your husband. And do it! Find someone professional to talk to. Perhaps you could sign up for a yoga or exercise class. Start doing things for YOURSELF - even if it's taking time to read a book or seeing a movie that YOU particularly want to see (rather than doing household chores, cleaning up after hubby, rearranging your schedule for loverboy, etc.)
Evenutally you may find that the person who loves you the most is YOU! And once you have that, you have strength to do just about anything. Let me know what happens. I'll check here.
Sign me, "J"

[Unregistered]

I don't know why...but what you say makes sense to me. I have been reading everything in here for months. I'm scared but I know you are right. Thanks again...I will keep you posted. I pray I can find the strenght I need.

[Unregistered]

Last night I took your advice and told my husband I needed to leave. He lost it. He told me if I left he would kill himself that he would have nothing to live for. This coming from a man who never does anything with me...who never talks to me...or shares anything with me. I don't hate him. I don't want him to feel this way. What do I do now? I'm exhausted from last night...I am an emotional wreck. I don't know where to turn.

[martinfromsthelens]

In a way i am feeling you need some help from us all now because we have tol you what is needed and you have started the process.
You have told him you want to leave but you dont say whether you have told him why?
i remember when my partner left me i was threatening suicide too it seems a powerful word to use but it had no impact to her.the only reason she was worried was in case i did it because my family and freinds would have held her responsible.
Loking back i am sorry i said it as she just wasnt worth it.
at the time though my mind was in pieces and i suspect thats where your husband is now.
if you told him about the affair he could do one of two things let you go and get on with it or decide to try and make a go of your marriage albeit with very difficult issues to work through.
If you havnt told him about your lover he is going to be thinking he can work through it with you because he is going to think there is still a chance.
you musty have had lots of anguish this weekend and no doubt you have been doing some talking.
this is the point at which the cosiness goes out of the affair and the time when the secret trysts meeting and moments of passion are called into account and have to be justified against the realism of what is right and wrong.
i dont know where you go from here i know what he will be feeling cause i have been there but i knew most of the facts,and
though not much consolation i did however know the reason she left or certainly should i say the motive.
what are your plans ?are you looking 4 the day when your lover leaves his partner ?
i hope everyone will continue to give you advice right now you certainly need some keep us posted .

[Kate]

Starlight, I've just been looking back through the thread and a little while ago, you were talking about leaving a bad marriage. Is there really nothing that you can do to rebuild your marriage or do you not want to.

When I look back at what people have said here, the one who suggested you dared to leave your husband also suggested that an affair was not the answer, yet I don't hear you saying you've lost touch with the married man you were seeing. I wonder whether you were just looking for an excuse or affirmation that it was ok to do what you want and leave your husband for the other man.

It sounds as if you are on dangerous ground. Are you really going to leave your husband so you can sort out what you want in life or so you can pursue the other man. What about his wife???

Surely it would be better to have a break from your husband to see if that wakes him up and makes him willing to work with you on the marriage. Do you really want to leave it all behind?

Kate

[Unregistered]

Hi Starlight - it's me again, the blunt American. Sorry I couldn't reply over the week-end. I'm glad you found the courage to take the first step needed in either improving your marriage or improving your life.
It's hard to put all the pices together just from notices on this board, but from what yo have written, I can safely assume that you want out of your marriage because you are feeling unloved by your husband. You mentioned counselling to him and he was unresponsive. Did you remind him of these things in your conversation with him (about leaving)?
I don't know how important it would be to tell him about the "other" man, but again, we're not sure if you're even going to stay with the other man. My (unprofessional, and I STILL say you ought to talk to a professional counselor) advice is, forget about the other man for a while. He may be a comfortable excuse to leave your husband, but it's a comfort that is, at the very most, shallow and temporary, as we know he isn't going to leave his wife. If you want to leave your husband because you are unhappy and unfulfilled, no matter how much you may have given him, that's one thing. But if you are going to leave your husband because you think you're in love with someone else - a MARRIED someone else, then you must think long and hard about the outcome. As for your husband's threats of suicide, well, he's obviously desparate. Do no tlet him guilt you into doing anything you don't want to. but like I said, if your reason for leaving him are because of his neglect, emotional apapthy, etc., in my opinion, those reasons are valid. To leave your husband because you are bored and have found passion with a married man, well, tha'ts not what I consider valid. Write soon and let me know what's going on.

[Unregistered]

sorry I haven't written in a while. My life is a mess. When I told my husband I wanted to leave it had nothing to do with the man I was seeing. I decided to take a break from that too. I've just been so unhappy for such a long time in my marriage...it has taken it's toll. He crys all the time...all he wants to do is talk and try to work things out. What he doesn't realize is that it is too late. Too much has happened and I don't think I can do it. It's like I tried to take care of everyone all my life and make everything better...and when I did that I lost myself. Does that make any sense? As far as the man I was seeing...it will be his choice on what happens next. I won't continue the way it is now and if he loves his wife then so be it. He should devote his time to her. I don't have alot of regrets...I probably should...but maybe I needed a push. I know that is just an excuse. I very much appreciate all your advice. It's nice to be able to share this with someone. As to if I told my husband about the affair...not yet. Maybe if I do he will be able to let me go. The funny thing is he hasn't paid any attention to me in YEARS...now I'm important. Thanks again my friends. I will keep you posted!

[martinfromsthelens]

Its never too late..youve done the right thing and maybe you are wondering now if it was.
Time now to take stock of things and work out what you really want.
If he cries all the time there must be good reason but i take in what you are saying too.
It clearly does sound a little messy right now but the future is in your hands and you now have the chance to move forward go back or stay as you are.
You have accepted that he is going to stay with his wife and you want to leave your husband so that means you are going to be left with nothing.
If youre convinced that theres nothing left between you and your husband and that its irretrievable then you have to think about yourself now.
You havnt had a lot of sympathy on here throughout all this but you have mine now because you have had the courage and conviction to see that it was going to go nowhere and i can see now you are so alone having ended it.
Please keep us informed and keep your chin up this is a sad story yet there may be a message here that will help others in the future.

[Unregistered]

Hi Starlight! Sometimes when we take care of others, we DO lose ourselves. I'm glad to hear that you are finally taking back some of yourself.
As for your probably soon-to-be-ex-husband, well, as Martin said, since he's crying all the time, he probably DOES still have lots of close feelings for you. But a friend of mine who is a recovering alcoholic told me of a wonderful word the other day. It's "consequences". She, as an alcoholic, even though she is clean and sober now, is STILL paying the price (consequences) for the hurt she caused others back in her drinking days. Your husband is now dealing with the consequences of the neglect he had for you for so long. As we say here in the States, "a dollar short and a day late." If you honestly think there's anything left between you two, I encourage you to give it your best, last try. But you know in your heart of hearts whether you feel anything for this man or not. You can't MAKE yourself love someone again once the love has died.
As for your other man, well, it's just my personal opinion, but, unless there's something really awful about his wife, which, if that WAS the case, he ought to leave her, (but obviously he has no plans to do that), well, what kind of guy cheats on a nice wife? Not a monster, but a selfish, childish boy who "wants it all". Is THAT the kind of person you want for yourself? A man who cheats on his wife will cheat on his wife no matter WHO she is. What I'm saying is, let's say that your Mr. Wonderful decides to leave his wife and take up with you. How long do you think it would be until someone else happened to tickle his fancy?
I agree with Martin's post. The only thing I disagree with is - if you leave your husband and drop Mr. Wonderful, you won't be alone - you'll have YOU!!! And you should be your own very best friend.
Good luck, girl!

[Unregistered]

You don't know how much your responses touch me. It is true what you said about my ex-lovers wife. There has to be something, probably much more than I even expected. I don't know why he thought he needed me....maybe the excitement...it surely wasn't for anything permanent. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy him. I just opened my eyes. I had made up my mind that if I couldn't let him go I was just going to go to the town where they live and be where I could see them as a couple. I would not have made a scene....I just would make sure HE noticed that I was there. I don't know anything about her....not what she looks like or anything. I've always wondered. But I think I'm doing ok now. I feel stronger every day.

As for being alone....it scares me to death. I've been with my husband since I was 16. But I WILL BE OK. I need to do this for me. The stress is starting to affect my health. I will make my new life work and I hope to only make good decisions. What a learning experience this has been. I'm sure I will have my ups and downs...but it's like you said...you can't make yourself love someone if you have no feelings left.

Thank you so much! You really make me think. I hope I can continue like this...I pray I am strong enough. I will keep you posted. I hope this will help someone from making the wrong choice like I did.

[Unregistered]

Good luck Starlight! I just KNOW you can do it. We women are so much stronger than the world gives us credit for - especially when we band together.

I think it would be a good idea if you went to town and saw your Mr. Wonderful with his wife. Not so much that he could see YOU, but that you could THEM together. I don't think it's a healthy relationship, tying yourself down to a married man (one who probably has no intention of leaving his wife). It will keep you from meeting anyone who may REALLY be good for you. It may also hold you back from your own personal self-awareness. If you see them together, it might give you the strength to stay away from him. When I was single, I had an affair with a married man (he told me he was separated. Yeah, sure. His wife went away for the week-end - ONCE - and he went out carousing, met me, told me he was separated - well, he WAS, sort of! Haha!) I fell for him completely. Then he told me he really was married, but the marraige was unfulfilling. (I was so young and gullible. I believed every word.) One day, I drove to his house, sat in my car and just watched. Eventually, SHE came out with their 2 daughters. I was devestated. They looked like the picture of a happy Mom and children. Whatever was going on between the 2 of them was, very obviously, NOT my business and I wasn't going to be the one to break up what could very well have been a lovely family. No offense to men, here, but MANY of them just have no self-control. Or else they have an extremely limited attention span when it comes to women/sex/companionship. In any case, when I saw his family, it gave me the strength to break it off.
I will check here to see how you're doing. Good luck! Maybe your ought to go to the library and get some books on "your new lifestyle". And trust your instincts!

[Unregistered]

Bad day today. I'm sure I'll have plenty of them. Just can't quit crying. Heard from my married friend....I just can't get back into it. I am going to be strong

[Unregistered]

That is life, Starlight - good days and bad. If they were all just sort of mediocre, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it? I think that's why God invented grapes/wine!!!! All you can do on those bad days is just ride it out - you know that this, too, shall pass.
Why not take your kids out somewhere. Are the girls old enough to enjoy the simple pleasures of window shopping with an ice-cream cone/ Speaking of ice cream, here's a fun idea. A girl I used to work with, in order to cheer herself up, would get a double-dip ice cream cone, and then stand in front of the windows of the gym. She's watch those nuts, running on their treadmills, or riding their exericse bikes, and just stare at them as they sweat, while she enjoyed her ice cream cone!! Haha!
Cheer up, Starlight - or not. Try to find something to take your mind off of things. You know you'll have days like this, but think of all the wonderful things you'll do FOR YOURSELF with your new, free time!

[Unregistered]

Sorry I haven't kept you posted lately. But I'm doing so much better. Funny how the things we think are so important, things we think we can't live without....how that can change. I'm started to take care of ME. Like ME..without having a man to confirm that. I did meet with the man I was seeing the other day. We talked briefly and it was nice. Nothing happened...we just visited. I won't make it something that happens often but it was nice to realize that he just enjoyed talking to me. And it felt ok to me....not out of control like I use to feel. I couldn't have gotten this far without your support! Thanks

[Unregistered]

Yaaay! Good for you, Starlight! Glad to see that yo have regained control of your life. That's the best feeling! Best of luck to you.
J in the USA

[Unregistered]

It isn't always easy. I took a step backwards again. I saw the man i was having an affair with and I let things happen. I knew better but it felt so good. I was weak. How could I do this when I was doing so good??????? I felt terrible afterwards....all I could think about is that he was going home to his wife! Sometimes emotions override logic. I feel terrible. like I failed myself

I don't know....will I ever be strong enough to break it off completely? anybody who has been through this....how do you do it?

[Unregistered]

Hi Starlight! sorry to hear about your fall from grace, but it's OK. You KNOW you can do it. Have you considered going for personal counselling? Sometimes just having Good luck.

[Unregistered]

Yes I've thought about counseling. I'm having alot of trouble giving up the man I was seeing. He filled many of my needs beyond the sexual ones. I try to picture him with his wife. All the things they do together . And I know all we get is stolen hours. I'm smart....why can't I let this go? I hate it. Hopefully I will get help soon. I appreciate your opinions.

[Unregistered]

Hi,

I need some help. I have been with my partner for nearly 5 years, we are engaged, due to be married next June, and we have just bought our first house together, but we were living together before that.
I have a nagging feeling that he is not being honest with me, although when I talk to him he reassures me and doesn't get angry, upset of course as he feels he is being doubted. Anyway, he works part time as a dance school teacher, and his employee left a note in his bag, saying that she loves him, he did not show me, I went through the bin to find it as I knew he was lying to me. Now today, he has said that her sister has called and left a message on his mobile saying that he has broken this girls heart etc etc. He says he doesn't know what its about and that he will call her to find out, but he doesn't seem that bothered about it. What can I do?? We are not getting on very well at the moment either, due mainly to the amount of work he has been doing (this part is true) but how do I live with the shame and embrassment if it turns out to be true?? Someone please give me some clues as to what I should do.

Thanks

[Liz]

Hi there,

Have you thought of doing some marriage preparation before you marry? Even though you have been living together, there are obviosly some areas that you need to talk through and there may well be others that you are not aware of.

You can find resources here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/). Things like Prepare (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/preres/prepinc/) and FOCCUS (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/preres/foccus/) might be appropriate.

You may find that if you have some preparation like this, some of the issues that you are dealing with will resolve themselves, as your openness and trust grows.

Best wishes

Liz